at last, forgiveness

December 18, 2003

I hadn't dealt with my nonBP issues on a group site since last year but knew

that I still had issues to work through. Basically this year I worked on the BP

distortion attacks and spent time protecting myself legally rather than

emotionally. Helpful, BTW, to know that our country affords us rights that our

BP others abuse. The holidays bring the emotions to the fore and the concept

of family is impossible to avoid. I came here a few weeks ago to clarify

forgiveness and I am happy to say that it arrived gently over the past few days.

Someone on the site generously sent me forgiveness information in a private

email (I am so sorry I have lost the name of this person and would love to give

you credit, thanks and bow at your feet for your service-I think I remember the

name ?). Edith also made recommendations to look through the archives.

Both of these things helped tremendously.

My greatest fear in forgiveness was that I thought it would say to family

members, " ok, nothing ever happened, let's just move forward in denial and here

I am, ready to accept and tolerate your abuses again " . I also thought it would

telegraph an admission of being wrong about the alcoholism and abuse in our

family. (my NPD/BP fada and BP/Dishrag Nada overused and abused the phrase,

forgive and forget)

The first relief I found was when I made the distinction between forgiveness and

reconciliation. Reconciliation is a process that takes two willing parties.

Knowing this eliminated the fear that I would have to go back to where I came

from. I didn't want to forgive because holding back created the large wall of

protection that I have needed in order to heal. I can't believe I'm actually

referring to myself as someone who has healed. (it's taken nearly 8 years of

pretty intensive spiritual and therapeutic work--and anger was essential and

long lasting)

My second understanding came from a simple dictionary definition of

forgiveness: it explained it in financial terms: if someone owes you money and

they cannot pay, then you give them a piece of paper saying that you forgive the

loan and they no longer are obligated to pay. It was then explained in BP

terms-you forgive the notion that your BP's will ever apologize, appreciate you,

or understand that BP can be helped with therapy and awareness. Believe me I've

been campaigning and fighting for these moments to a frustrating no result. I

realize now, I was abusing myself.

The next relief was learning: " Forgiving is seen as a state of being that

embraces YOU, not an action or intention toward someone else. " Knowing that

this forgiveness could be a private moment between me and my God and did not

have to be a public proclamation that could be open for misinterpretation-i.e.

the BP saying, " I knew it was all your fault " , - left me free to try

forgiveness. In knowing that it wouldn't destroy any boundary or any groundwork

laid toward better mental health in my family and for myself, I felt more secure

in the concept of forgiveness.

Today, I went for a walk with my brother, who has not supported me at all during

this process and is joined with my family against my new ideas, I no longer felt

angry, I no longer felt fearful, I no longer longed for his words of support,

validation, apology or appreciation for what I have tried to do. The note is

forgiven. I didn't say anything, and for the first time in my life I felt a

steady peace, a calm knowing that " Forgiveness is the process through which an

injured personfirst fights off, then embraces, then conquers a situation that

has nearly destroyed him. "

Edith and others, thank you for this really wonderful gift. I hope you feel the

love, tiki

December 18, 2003

> Helpful, BTW, to know that our country affords us rights

> that our BP others abuse.

Except that, tiki, if you are in the USA, your country's legal

system was a vicious and enthusiastic weapon in the hands of my BP

ex-wife. I still cannot get over my bitterness about it.

- Dan

December 18, 2003

Bravo!!! Dancin' in the streets! Ticker tape parade!

Forgiveness is such a simple concept, once it's " really " understood, but

it's getting there that's so difficult! We've been conditioned by years

of preaching and teaching that to forgive is to reconcile. It isn't.

Big SmileS!

Carol

tiki wrote:

> I hadn't dealt with my nonBP issues on a group site since

> > last year but knew that I still had issues to work through.

> Basically this year I worked on the BP distortion attacks

> and spent time protecting myself legally rather than

> emotionally. Helpful, BTW, to know that our country affords us

> rights that our BP others abuse. The holidays bring the

> emotions to the fore and the concept of family is impossible

> to avoid. I came here a few weeks ago to clarify forgiveness

> and I am happy to say that it arrived gently over the past few

> days.

>

> Someone on the site generously sent me forgiveness information

> in a private email (I am so sorry I have lost the name of this

> person and would love to give you credit, thanks and bow at

> your feet for your service-I think I remember the name ?).

> Edith also made recommendations to look through the archives.

> Both of these things helped tremendously.

>

> My greatest fear in forgiveness was that I thought it would say

> to family members, " ok, nothing ever happened, let's just move

> forward in denial and here I am, ready to accept and tolerate

> your abuses again " . I also thought it would telegraph an

> admission of being wrong about the alcoholism and abuse in our

> family. (my NPD/BP fada and BP/Dishrag Nada overused and abused

> the phrase, forgive and forget)

>

> The first relief I found was when I made the distinction between

> forgiveness and reconciliation. Reconciliation is a process that

> takes two willing parties. Knowing this eliminated the fear that

> I would have to go back to where I came from. I didn't want to

> forgive because holding back created the large wall of protection

> that I have needed in order to heal. I can't believe I'm actually

> referring to myself as someone who has healed. (it's taken nearly

> 8 years of pretty intensive spiritual and therapeutic work--and

> anger was essential and long lasting)

>

> My second understanding came from a simple dictionary definition

> of forgiveness: it explained it in financial terms: if someone

> owes you money and they cannot pay, then you give them a piece of

> paper saying that you forgive the loan and they no longer are

> obligated to pay. It was then explained in BP terms-you forgive

> the notion that your BP's will ever apologize, appreciate you, or

> understand that BP can be helped with therapy and awareness.

> Believe me I've been campaigning and fighting for these moments

> to a frustrating no result. I realize now, I was abusing myself.

>

> The next relief was learning: " Forgiving is seen as a state of

> being that embraces YOU, not an action or intention toward

> someone else. " Knowing that this forgiveness could be a private

> moment between me and my God and did not have to be a public

> proclamation that could be open for misinterpretation-i.e. the BP

> saying, " I knew it was all your fault " , - left me free to try

> forgiveness. In knowing that it wouldn't destroy any boundary or

> any groundwork laid toward better mental health in my family and

> for myself, I felt more secure in the concept of forgiveness.

>

> Today, I went for a walk with my brother, who has not supported

> me at all during this process and is joined with my family against

> my new ideas, I no longer felt angry, I no longer felt fearful, I

> no longer longed for his words of support, validation, apology or

> appreciation for what I have tried to do. The note is forgiven.

> I didn't say anything, and for the first time in my life I felt a

> steady peace, a calm knowing that " Forgiveness is the process

> through which an injured personfirst fights off, then embraces,

> then conquers a situation that has nearly destroyed him. "

>

> Edith and others, thank you for this really wonderful gift. I

> hope you feel the love, tiki

December 18, 2003

Hi Tiki,

Thank you and yes, I/we do feel the love. Everyone here is a teacher.

We've all walked in the same ill-fitting pair of shoes and have lived

to tell about it. And by telling (ie, posting to the list) we validate

others.

Oh, and I bet the '' you referred to is .

Hugs & Peace,

- Edith

PS. Lookin' forward to having that Grand-Slam breakfast with you and

Carol M (and any other Los Angelinos on this list) on Jan 6 at 1 pm.

> I hadn't dealt with my nonBP issues on a group site since last year

but knew that I still had issues to work through. Basically this year

I worked on the BP distortion attacks and spent time protecting myself

legally rather than emotionally. Helpful, BTW, to know that our

country affords us rights that our BP others abuse. The holidays

bring the emotions to the fore and the concept of family is impossible

to avoid. I came here a few weeks ago to clarify forgiveness and I am

happy to say that it arrived gently over the past few days.

>

> Someone on the site generously sent me forgiveness information in a

private email (I am so sorry I have lost the name of this person and

would love to give you credit, thanks and bow at your feet for your

service-I think I remember the name ?). Edith also made

recommendations to look through the archives. Both of these things

helped tremendously.

>

> My greatest fear in forgiveness was that I thought it would say to

family members, " ok, nothing ever happened, let's just move forward

in denial and here I am, ready to accept and tolerate your abuses

again " . I also thought it would telegraph an admission of being wrong

about the alcoholism and abuse in our family. (my NPD/BP fada and

BP/Dishrag Nada overused and abused the phrase, forgive and forget)

>

> The first relief I found was when I made the distinction between

forgiveness and reconciliation. Reconciliation is a process that takes

two willing parties. Knowing this eliminated the fear that I would

have to go back to where I came from. I didn't want to forgive

because holding back created the large wall of protection that I have

needed in order to heal. I can't believe I'm actually referring to

myself as someone who has healed. (it's taken nearly 8 years of pretty

intensive spiritual and therapeutic work--and anger was essential and

long lasting)

>

> My second understanding came from a simple dictionary definition of

forgiveness: it explained it in financial terms: if someone owes you

money and they cannot pay, then you give them a piece of paper saying

that you forgive the loan and they no longer are obligated to pay. It

was then explained in BP terms-you forgive the notion that your BP's

will ever apologize, appreciate you, or understand that BP can be

helped with therapy and awareness. Believe me I've been campaigning

and fighting for these moments to a frustrating no result. I realize

now, I was abusing myself.

>

> The next relief was learning: " Forgiving is seen as a state of

being that embraces YOU, not an action or intention toward someone

else. " Knowing that this forgiveness could be a private moment

between me and my God and did not have to be a public proclamation

that could be open for misinterpretation-i.e. the BP saying, " I knew

it was all your fault " , - left me free to try forgiveness. In knowing

that it wouldn't destroy any boundary or any groundwork laid toward

better mental health in my family and for myself, I felt more secure

in the concept of forgiveness.

>

> Today, I went for a walk with my brother, who has not supported me

at all during this process and is joined with my family against my new

ideas, I no longer felt angry, I no longer felt fearful, I no longer

longed for his words of support, validation, apology or appreciation

for what I have tried to do. The note is forgiven. I didn't say

anything, and for the first time in my life I felt a steady peace, a

calm knowing that " Forgiveness is the process through which an injured

personfirst fights off, then embraces, then conquers a situation that

has nearly destroyed him. "

>

> Edith and others, thank you for this really wonderful gift. I hope

you feel the love, tiki

>

December 18, 2003

kudos to gregory and many thanks for helping me with the concept of forgiveness.

a life lesson, tiki

Re: at last, forgiveness