Re: New caregiver for mom

April 5, 2004

Kath:

I understand. I am thinking about doing the same thing for if I

ever find a job. The day care is $60 a day and that wouldn't leave much at

the end of the paycheck. Glad you found relief and security of mind. Enjoy

your weekend.

in Texas

New caregiver for mom

> Hi All,

>

> Just wanted to tell you what has been happening with our caregiver

situation. Last weekend our caregiver for the " weekend " walked out on mom

on Saturday night. Our caregiver for the week was able to stay through this

past weekend as it was her " weekend off " while I continued to search for

someone appropriate for mom.

>

> I began the week by calling a community college and asking them if they

have a job board etc. They said to email them a discription of the job and

they would send it out to all the appropriate students ie. nursing, psw etc.

I did this, ever hopeful that we would find someone that might want to do

this for a reasonable amount of money. No one called. :-(

>

> I called an agency and found out that the $150 that we were paying for the

last caregiver was really cheap. The agency could send someone for $330 for

the weekend but it seems so pricey since I am only paying $300 for the other

5 days!! I would have peace of mind though and I really liked the man who

ran the place. He said that if a caregiver left unexpectedly that they

would definitely send someone else and if he couldn't find someone on short

notice he would fill in himself. I felt terrible about the money however,

and seeing that I don't have power of attorney, I called my aunt to ask what

I should do.

>

> When I told her the situation, she said that that was " a lot of money " and

I said that it seems that it is very expensive to go through an agency but

the past few caregivers weren't exactly great and how could we expect them

to do anymore when we are paying them so little. She said that that wasn't

our problem, that they accepted the job and it's responsibilities and that

that shouldn't be our worry. I wanted to know whether mom has enough money

to pay the $330 instead. I have no idea what my mom has in her savings

acct. and only have access to the chequing acct. which I recently had to ask

her to transfer funds to as the money had run out. My mom owns a cottage

that she has barely gotten to in the past 2 yrs. My brother lives close to

it and uses it. He pays nothing. He wants to buy the place and I don't

have a problem as long as he is paying market value. The problem is that he

works a great deal in " cash " and so probably wont qualify for a mortgage.

If this were sold mom would probably stop having to worry about money and

could have a caregiver that would offer her quality care. I think my aunt

is waiting for my mom to make a decision (Ha!) or until her money runs out.

> Anyway she wasn't forthcoming with the actual amount and when I explained

that I needed to be able to go away for the weekends to my trailer and for

the month of July without worry that someone would up and quit on us, she

said well, I don't know what to tell you...your mom's money is going to be

gone in about a year...maybe the other caregiver would work every other

weekend...(do I detect that someone is not HEARING me!!) I said well that

doesn't work because a. she will burn out, mom and her have issues already.

and b. what about the other weekend? I cannot be mom's caregiver every

other weekend. I need to get away and have a life too.

>

> She said that mom should put her name in a few places. I told her that I

can't bring that up as it usually causes great upheaval with mom crying and

threatening to hate me etc. I asked her if she could go ahead and apply to

some of them since she has POW. It will be awhile before mom comes to the

top of the list and I know mom wont sign but instead will just keep putting

it off. I told her I can't sign anything because I don't have the authority

and she said well I can't do anything until your mom isn't capable anymore

(Oh, can you believe this!!) and I said she isn't capable of making a

decision on what underwear to wear, let alone about her well being... but I

I digress... So it is back in my ball court with me trying to find all the

solutions with none of the authority to do so. I will post more on this

soon.

>

> I came away thinking that this is " too much money " and despite my concerns

I pursued the newspaper ads hoping to find the perfect solution. I called

several ads and spoke with about 12 or so people. Most of them charged by

the hour and wanted anywhere from $13 to $17 an hour!!! There were few that

were willing to " live in " and most of those that I talked to, I had trouble

understanding so I am sure mom would also. I called one woman who was

wanting to do " housekeeping " but would consider it. I explained about what

she would be expected to do, and all about Lewy, and I think that she might

have been okay (at least for a while) but she said she would think about it.

When I called her back the next day, she said that she couldn't do it for

that amount of money. I asked her how much could she do it for and she said

about $400. She also said that she didn't feel she was qualified to take

care of someone who is " sick " . I said thank you anyway and got off the

phone. I asked everyone who said no if there was someone else they knew

that might be willing to do it. Some said they would pass on my name and

number to a friend. I had phoned every possibility in the last 2 Saturday

papers. I found an old Wednesday paper that I got for free at Mcs and

browsed the caregiving section. There was an ad in there but it was from

March 10 and so it didn't offer much hope. I called and the woman on the

other end said that she already had a job now. I asked her if there was

anyone she knew who would want to work Friday at 5 to Sunday at 7 and she

said " wait a minute, I think I might be able to do it as I only work M-F

10-3. She sounded very nice and had worked with dementia patients before.

She seemed to get the whole picture and not only understood what it is like

for the LO but seemed to understand what it was like for me too. She wanted

$200 and I said okay. I asked her if she could come and meet with me and mom

today. She said sure. I was so excited about this person that I think I

would have hired !

> her from

> that phone call.

>

> When she arrived, she was smartly dressed. She was polite and engaged my

mom in conversation putting her at ease. She stayed for an hour and had the

complete tour of the house. I got a couple of references and said that if

these work out and if mom wants to have you, could you work this coming

weekend? She said sure and I truly believe that someone up there is looking

out for me. I called the references (one was now living in Florida) and

both gave wonderful recommendations. The family with the dementia patient

said that she was a " saint " . Such high praise and I could just feel that

things were going to work with her. I hope I am right. I called her back

and gave her the job. The only drawback is that she wants to be paid in

cash. I am going to talk to her about the fact that I will hold back one

weeks pay (once burned twice shy) to protect ourselves. I will need

something to account for withdrawing money out of mom's bank acct. so

perhaps she will accept a cheque if we agree not to claim it...

>

> It will be hard to have her start when I am not here in the city but on

the other hand, who made me " responsible " for everythng. I have done my

best and have paid the price. I will check in on Saturday by phone and we

are coming home Sunday morning. Theresa met her as well and said she seemed

nice. She is 47 and looks younger than me. She talked about " baking " and

dancing with mom and going for walks and I hope it all isn't a " pipedream " .

Anyway for now I will be happy and hopeful, and hope that I wont have to do

this again for awhile.

>

> Sorry for the length of this post. I hope that details how to find a

caregiver. I know there are risks to hiring out of the paper but what other

choice is there?

>

> Kath

>

April 5, 2004

Kath,

I can't believe the nightmare time you are having and have had to repeat

over and over again. Forgive me but I am so pissed at your family right

now. Don't they care about what is happening to your mom? How can they

possibly feel ok about her being on her own or your having to take care of

all this on your own?

I'd be tempted to tell your aunt that as POA she has a duty to ensure that

your mother is safe and not just that the dollars add up every month - I

know she isn't exactly a spring chicken herself but really?

(OK, I know, here I am on a soap box when I have my own family issues

throwing me off!)

Really feeling it for you Kath.

Courage