Re: Detachment

[Guest guest]

Hmm. Detatched is a good word for it. I call it emotional burnout,

but it amounts to the same thing. A few years ago I sat down and

thought really hard about it, wondering the same kinds of things: Am

I really numb to her, or am I just denying deeper emotions? Am I a

sociopath for not loving my own mother?

I answered my first question: I have anger towards her, and I have

fear towards her. Other than that it's just apathy. Once in awhile I

feel a vague sense of pity for her, that she's destroyed her life and

her relationships, but that's about all. The second question is

harder for me: when I'm really angry at her, combined with my apathy

towards her, I feel like that's a dangerous combination, and I

honestly don't know what I would do if she were to walk into the room

during those times. That scares me. But then, I know I have other

successful relationships, that I'm capable of love and peace and

understanding, and I know that I'm actually a good person who has an

abusive parent. I think everyone has a limit, that when you're pushed

and pushed and pushed beyond that limit, you lose the ability to feel

anything positive for that person. I hate the coldness I feel when I

think about her, but I can't deny it, and she's earned it. I dunno,

that's my take on it anyway.

> I feel like I detached from my mother sometime between the ages of

7-

> 9 years old (at age 9 I found that she had overdosed after weeks of

> threatening to do so, and instead of being the good 'caretaking'

> daughter I got my brothers up and on we were on our way to school;

> family friend happened to stop by shortly after and got her help;

> I've always questioned my actions that day, but I think I was just

> ready to let her go and detached already at that point).

>

> Anyway, I was thinking this over and I wonder if I am truly

detached

> from her, this uncaring and apathetic person who should have some

> feelnigs for her, some compassion, some concern, some anger, some

> sadness, *something*. Instead I feel nothing. I pity her when she

> was a child and the things that happened to her. But that's the

> extent of my feelings. I have tried to write her a letter but I

find

> that I care so little about most of it that I stop writing because

I

> have no desire to either show her understand or to show her

> resentment. I don't feel anything.

>

> But then I wonder if I'm just mental or something, that this is

just

> me telling myself to feel nothing because I can't feel everything I

> would need to feel considering everything that has happened with my

> mom. I have done so much over the years to overcompensate for my

> apathy, not just because of how I thought other people would judge

> me, but because I felt it was wrong of me to not care; and so I

did

> a good job, too good a job, of convincing people I was close to my

> mom, probably even convincing HER, and I can't possibly explain to

> people how little I care or else they're going to know I'm such an

> awful person. I don't think it's normal for a 9 year old to be

ready

> to let her mother die and go on to school like nothing was

> happening. And think about it all the time feeling that it would

> have been so much better for my brothers and me if she hadn't been

> saved that day. That is wrong, and I know it.

>

> So I am just rambling here. I guess it took me awhile to come up

> with a word to accurately describe my feelings for my mother, and

now

> that I found it (detached) I felt like writing about it.