Re: at last, forgiveness-tiki

December 22, 2003

-Oh! tiki! That is SO wonderful! I'm certainly in favor of

forgiveness... in fact - so much in favor of it that I wish I could

just LEAP there. But for some reason, the path to forgiveness starts

with walking through the muck.....and sometimes it feels so... well..

mucky.....

Free

-- In ModOasis , " tiki " <jgmahalo@e...> wrote:

> I hadn't dealt with my nonBP issues on a group site since last year

but knew that I still had issues to work through. Basically this year

I worked on the BP distortion attacks and spent time protecting

myself legally rather than emotionally. Helpful, BTW, to know that

our country affords us rights that our BP others abuse. The

holidays bring the emotions to the fore and the concept of family is

impossible to avoid. I came here a few weeks ago to clarify

forgiveness and I am happy to say that it arrived gently over the

past few days.

>

> Someone on the site generously sent me forgiveness information in a

private email (I am so sorry I have lost the name of this person and

would love to give you credit, thanks and bow at your feet for your

service-I think I remember the name ?). Edith also made

recommendations to look through the archives. Both of these things

helped tremendously.

>

> My greatest fear in forgiveness was that I thought it would say to

family members, " ok, nothing ever happened, let's just move forward

in denial and here I am, ready to accept and tolerate your abuses

again " . I also thought it would telegraph an admission of being

wrong about the alcoholism and abuse in our family. (my NPD/BP fada

and BP/Dishrag Nada overused and abused the phrase, forgive and

forget)

>

> The first relief I found was when I made the distinction between

forgiveness and reconciliation. Reconciliation is a process that

takes two willing parties. Knowing this eliminated the fear that I

would have to go back to where I came from. I didn't want to forgive

because holding back created the large wall of protection that I have

needed in order to heal. I can't believe I'm actually referring to

myself as someone who has healed. (it's taken nearly 8 years of

pretty intensive spiritual and therapeutic work--and anger was

essential and long lasting)

>

> My second understanding came from a simple dictionary definition

of forgiveness: it explained it in financial terms: if someone owes

you money and they cannot pay, then you give them a piece of paper

saying that you forgive the loan and they no longer are obligated to

pay. It was then explained in BP terms-you forgive the notion that

your BP's will ever apologize, appreciate you, or understand that BP

can be helped with therapy and awareness. Believe me I've been

campaigning and fighting for these moments to a frustrating no

result. I realize now, I was abusing myself.

>

> The next relief was learning: " Forgiving is seen as a state of

being that embraces YOU, not an action or intention toward someone

else. " Knowing that this forgiveness could be a private moment

between me and my God and did not have to be a public proclamation

that could be open for misinterpretation-i.e. the BP saying, " I knew

it was all your fault " , - left me free to try forgiveness. In

knowing that it wouldn't destroy any boundary or any groundwork laid

toward better mental health in my family and for myself, I felt more

secure in the concept of forgiveness.

>

> Today, I went for a walk with my brother, who has not supported me

at all during this process and is joined with my family against my

new ideas, I no longer felt angry, I no longer felt fearful, I no

longer longed for his words of support, validation, apology or

appreciation for what I have tried to do. The note is forgiven. I

didn't say anything, and for the first time in my life I felt a

steady peace, a calm knowing that " Forgiveness is the process through

which an injured personfirst fights off, then embraces, then conquers

a situation that has nearly destroyed him. "

>

> Edith and others, thank you for this really wonderful gift. I hope

you feel the love, tiki

>

December 22, 2003

hey free spirit--believe me, i didn't leap here--it's the culmination of 8 years

of therapy, learning about behavior through my husband while he was getting a

masters degree in therapy and 5 years intensive spiritual yogi training.

forgiveness is a concept that is thrown around--basically the abusers use it as

a way to get off scott free--and it was so confused in my mind. i'm still

getting used to the idea that it actually arrived. it feels really great--i

feel like running across the world, flying, i feel a great sense of freedom and

residual anger is starting to disappear- i think anger was becoming a habit and

i just need to realize i don't have anything in my life right now to be mad

about. that's a first, thanks for writing, tiki