Re: I hate this memory too!

[Guest guest]

Well sh*t! Now I still have " Which one do you want me to KILL? " TELL

me! " echoing in my head.

Maybe I do have nada echos...because I can hear her so clearly.

Maybe they just mask themselves to be subliminal most of the time.

I don't know.

I just keep whacking moles as they pop up.

I can even hear me crying too.

I don't want to feel it though.

Aren't we supposed to be able to re-write our memories?

Or is that just a BP thing?

I mean it just now occured to me that I could have said " none of

them. " But that might not have worked well then.

Maybe I should re-write it.

And she said " Which one do you want me to kill? " TELL me! "

And I said " None of them really. But hey! While you're up - could you

get me a coke? Bring me some chips too while you're at it! "

And I went outside and my father asked what was going on.

And I said " Oh.. the usual. Mom is terrorizing us children by acting

like a crazy evil witch again ... and since you're not going to to a

damn thing about it.. I took the liberty of setting her straight

myself... "

well - that was entertaining but didn't really handle it all..

oh well..

guess I need to sit with this one for awhile...

or run and cry..

or something.

Free

> For some reason the turpentine posts brought up a pretty unrelated

> memory - but since it brought it up - I want it out.

>

> Aghhhhhhhhhhh!

> Okay.

> I will start the story where it starts. My mom got mad.

>

> I was searching back to see what *I* had done to make her mad.. and

> trying to piece together something that made sense...

> Yes.. I know... maybe I didn't do ANYTHING that made her mad. But

it

> still seems so odd that I don't even have my actions falsely

> connected to making her mad. I mean - it seems like - if I picked

up

> a blue crayon and my mom got mad.. my memory would store " I made my

> mom mad picking up a blue crayon. " But it is like I have all these

> memories that START with my mom being mad...and the FEELING that it

> was me she was mad at... with nothing before that to connect.. even

> if it didn't apply.

>

>

> Anyway.. my mom was mad. Something about the dogs being out (this

is

> where I would tend to add that I let the dogs out... but not

because

> I remember doing so...only because she was mad about the dogs being

> out and yelling at me.. so...

> but that doesn't even make sense because we lived on a farm and the

> dogs were ALWAYS out...

>

> Anyway.. she thought one of them almost got hit on the road.. or

> could have gotten hit on the road.. or something.. I don't really

> know..

>

> What I do know is she looked RIGHT at ME and told me to pick which

> one I wanted her to KILL then. It was something about she thought

one

> of the dogs was going to get killed.(on the road - not by her)..

and

> I think I didn't respond right or something.. so the next thing you

> know she is telling me to pick the one she kills...

>

> Now I took that real serious. But I couldn't/wouldn't pick..I just

> paused and stalled for time. Then I started running. I ran faster

> than I ever remember running... and was crying as hard as I could..

> almost like I was trying to run away even from myself.....

>

> And then my dad stopped me. he saw me running and crying. He

stopped

> me and asked me what was going on. I tried to tell him she wanted

me

> to pick which dog got killed. I wanted him to know how horrible it

> was. He was aggravated or something... but it was more like a Pff

> kind of thing.. like I was making a big deal out of it. I don't

> know.. but I felt like he was aggravated at ME for being so upset.

>

> Right now that is the only time I REMEMBER telling him - or TRYING

to

> tell him - what was going on.

>

> I wished he could have reassured me and made HER stop.

> I don't know what he did.

> Maybe he knew she wouldn' kill the dog.

> But even if he knew that I still think it is cruel to make your

CHILD

> think you WOULD - and make THEM pick.

> Because I believed she would.

>

> In fact, I was afraid to go back to the house because one or all of

> the dogs would be dead. And if they were all dead - it would have

> been MY fault because I didn't pick.

> That was the hard part. If I picked one - it would die.

> But if I didn't pick - they all could.

> But how do you pick?

> Why didn't my dad DO something?

>

> I even was kind of nervous for a few days after that. it took me

> awhile to KNOW that the dogs would be safe... and I couldn't even

> ask..because I sure didn't want to bring it up..

>

> I wonder if I was six then.

> I think I was a little older.

>

> Maybe that's one thing that makes it hard to make choices.

> I don't know.

>

> I hope this bubble dissolves.

>

> Free

[Guest guest]

> > For some reason the turpentine posts brought up a pretty

unrelated

> > memory - but since it brought it up - I want it out.

> >

> > Aghhhhhhhhhhh!

> > Okay.

> > I will start the story where it starts. My mom got mad.

> >

> > I was searching back to see what *I* had done to make her mad..

and

> > trying to piece together something that made sense...

> > Yes.. I know... maybe I didn't do ANYTHING that made her mad. But

> it

> > still seems so odd that I don't even have my actions falsely

> > connected to making her mad. I mean - it seems like - if I picked

> up

> > a blue crayon and my mom got mad.. my memory would store " I made

my

> > mom mad picking up a blue crayon. " But it is like I have all

these

> > memories that START with my mom being mad...and the FEELING that

it

> > was me she was mad at... with nothing before that to connect..

even

> > if it didn't apply.

> >

> >

> > Anyway.. my mom was mad. Something about the dogs being out (this

> is

> > where I would tend to add that I let the dogs out... but not

> because

> > I remember doing so...only because she was mad about the dogs

being

> > out and yelling at me.. so...

> > but that doesn't even make sense because we lived on a farm and

the

> > dogs were ALWAYS out...

> >

> > Anyway.. she thought one of them almost got hit on the road.. or

> > could have gotten hit on the road.. or something.. I don't really

> > know..

> >

> > What I do know is she looked RIGHT at ME and told me to pick

which

> > one I wanted her to KILL then. It was something about she thought

> one

> > of the dogs was going to get killed.(on the road - not by her)..

> and

> > I think I didn't respond right or something.. so the next thing

you

> > know she is telling me to pick the one she kills...

> >

> > Now I took that real serious. But I couldn't/wouldn't pick..I

just

> > paused and stalled for time. Then I started running. I ran faster

> > than I ever remember running... and was crying as hard as I

could..

> > almost like I was trying to run away even from myself.....

> >

> > And then my dad stopped me. he saw me running and crying. He

> stopped

> > me and asked me what was going on. I tried to tell him she wanted

> me

> > to pick which dog got killed. I wanted him to know how horrible

it

> > was. He was aggravated or something... but it was more like a Pff

> > kind of thing.. like I was making a big deal out of it. I don't

> > know.. but I felt like he was aggravated at ME for being so upset.

> >

> > Right now that is the only time I REMEMBER telling him - or

TRYING

> to

> > tell him - what was going on.

> >

> > I wished he could have reassured me and made HER stop.

> > I don't know what he did.

> > Maybe he knew she wouldn' kill the dog.

> > But even if he knew that I still think it is cruel to make your

> CHILD

> > think you WOULD - and make THEM pick.

> > Because I believed she would.

> >

> > In fact, I was afraid to go back to the house because one or all

of

> > the dogs would be dead. And if they were all dead - it would have

> > been MY fault because I didn't pick.

> > That was the hard part. If I picked one - it would die.

> > But if I didn't pick - they all could.

> > But how do you pick?

> > Why didn't my dad DO something?

> >

> > I even was kind of nervous for a few days after that. it took me

> > awhile to KNOW that the dogs would be safe... and I couldn't even

> > ask..because I sure didn't want to bring it up..

> >

> > I wonder if I was six then.

> > I think I was a little older.

> >

> > Maybe that's one thing that makes it hard to make choices.

> > I don't know.

> >

> > I hope this bubble dissolves.

> >

> > Free

[Guest guest]

I agree. Seems like I can THINK this memory - but just feel the

fringes of it. I do remember feeling it when it happened though.

Yet - like so many memories - it seems so unreal - like it happened

to someone else - or didn't happen at all...except that it happened..

and it happened to me.

Free

> > > For some reason the turpentine posts brought up a pretty

> unrelated

> > > memory - but since it brought it up - I want it out.

> > >

> > > Aghhhhhhhhhhh!

> > > Okay.

> > > I will start the story where it starts. My mom got mad.

> > >

> > > I was searching back to see what *I* had done to make her mad..

> and

> > > trying to piece together something that made sense...

> > > Yes.. I know... maybe I didn't do ANYTHING that made her mad.

But

> > it

> > > still seems so odd that I don't even have my actions falsely

> > > connected to making her mad. I mean - it seems like - if I

picked

> > up

> > > a blue crayon and my mom got mad.. my memory would store " I

made

> my

> > > mom mad picking up a blue crayon. " But it is like I have all

> these

> > > memories that START with my mom being mad...and the FEELING

that

> it

> > > was me she was mad at... with nothing before that to connect..

> even

> > > if it didn't apply.

> > >

> > >

> > > Anyway.. my mom was mad. Something about the dogs being out

(this

> > is

> > > where I would tend to add that I let the dogs out... but not

> > because

> > > I remember doing so...only because she was mad about the dogs

> being

> > > out and yelling at me.. so...

> > > but that doesn't even make sense because we lived on a farm and

> the

> > > dogs were ALWAYS out...

> > >

> > > Anyway.. she thought one of them almost got hit on the road..

or

> > > could have gotten hit on the road.. or something.. I don't

really

> > > know..

> > >

> > > What I do know is she looked RIGHT at ME and told me to pick

> which

> > > one I wanted her to KILL then. It was something about she

thought

> > one

> > > of the dogs was going to get killed.(on the road - not by

her)..

> > and

> > > I think I didn't respond right or something.. so the next thing

> you

> > > know she is telling me to pick the one she kills...

> > >

> > > Now I took that real serious. But I couldn't/wouldn't pick..I

> just

> > > paused and stalled for time. Then I started running. I ran

faster

> > > than I ever remember running... and was crying as hard as I

> could..

> > > almost like I was trying to run away even from myself.....

> > >

> > > And then my dad stopped me. he saw me running and crying. He

> > stopped

> > > me and asked me what was going on. I tried to tell him she

wanted

> > me

> > > to pick which dog got killed. I wanted him to know how horrible

> it

> > > was. He was aggravated or something... but it was more like a

Pff

> > > kind of thing.. like I was making a big deal out of it. I don't

> > > know.. but I felt like he was aggravated at ME for being so

upset.

> > >

> > > Right now that is the only time I REMEMBER telling him - or

> TRYING

> > to

> > > tell him - what was going on.

> > >

> > > I wished he could have reassured me and made HER stop.

> > > I don't know what he did.

> > > Maybe he knew she wouldn' kill the dog.

> > > But even if he knew that I still think it is cruel to make your

> > CHILD

> > > think you WOULD - and make THEM pick.

> > > Because I believed she would.

> > >

> > > In fact, I was afraid to go back to the house because one or

all

> of

> > > the dogs would be dead. And if they were all dead - it would

have

> > > been MY fault because I didn't pick.

> > > That was the hard part. If I picked one - it would die.

> > > But if I didn't pick - they all could.

> > > But how do you pick?

> > > Why didn't my dad DO something?

> > >

> > > I even was kind of nervous for a few days after that. it took

me

> > > awhile to KNOW that the dogs would be safe... and I couldn't

even

> > > ask..because I sure didn't want to bring it up..

> > >

> > > I wonder if I was six then.

> > > I think I was a little older.

> > >

> > > Maybe that's one thing that makes it hard to make choices.

> > > I don't know.

> > >

> > > I hope this bubble dissolves.

> > >

> > > Free

[Guest guest]

> > > > For some reason the turpentine posts brought up a pretty

> > unrelated

> > > > memory - but since it brought it up - I want it out.

> > > >

> > > > Aghhhhhhhhhhh!

> > > > Okay.

> > > > I will start the story where it starts. My mom got mad.

> > > >

> > > > I was searching back to see what *I* had done to make her

mad..

> > and

> > > > trying to piece together something that made sense...

> > > > Yes.. I know... maybe I didn't do ANYTHING that made her mad.

> But

> > > it

> > > > still seems so odd that I don't even have my actions falsely

> > > > connected to making her mad. I mean - it seems like - if I

> picked

> > > up

> > > > a blue crayon and my mom got mad.. my memory would store " I

> made

> > my

> > > > mom mad picking up a blue crayon. " But it is like I have all

> > these

> > > > memories that START with my mom being mad...and the FEELING

> that

> > it

> > > > was me she was mad at... with nothing before that to

connect..

> > even

> > > > if it didn't apply.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Anyway.. my mom was mad. Something about the dogs being out

> (this

> > > is

> > > > where I would tend to add that I let the dogs out... but not

> > > because

> > > > I remember doing so...only because she was mad about the dogs

> > being

> > > > out and yelling at me.. so...

> > > > but that doesn't even make sense because we lived on a farm

and

> > the

> > > > dogs were ALWAYS out...

> > > >

> > > > Anyway.. she thought one of them almost got hit on the road..

> or

> > > > could have gotten hit on the road.. or something.. I don't

> really

> > > > know..

> > > >

> > > > What I do know is she looked RIGHT at ME and told me to pick

> > which

> > > > one I wanted her to KILL then. It was something about she

> thought

> > > one

> > > > of the dogs was going to get killed.(on the road - not by

> her)..

> > > and

> > > > I think I didn't respond right or something.. so the next

thing

> > you

> > > > know she is telling me to pick the one she kills...

> > > >

> > > > Now I took that real serious. But I couldn't/wouldn't pick..I

> > just

> > > > paused and stalled for time. Then I started running. I ran

> faster

> > > > than I ever remember running... and was crying as hard as I

> > could..

> > > > almost like I was trying to run away even from myself.....

> > > >

> > > > And then my dad stopped me. he saw me running and crying. He

> > > stopped

> > > > me and asked me what was going on. I tried to tell him she

> wanted

> > > me

> > > > to pick which dog got killed. I wanted him to know how

horrible

> > it

> > > > was. He was aggravated or something... but it was more like a

> Pff

> > > > kind of thing.. like I was making a big deal out of it. I

don't

> > > > know.. but I felt like he was aggravated at ME for being so

> upset.

> > > >

> > > > Right now that is the only time I REMEMBER telling him - or

> > TRYING

> > > to

> > > > tell him - what was going on.

> > > >

> > > > I wished he could have reassured me and made HER stop.

> > > > I don't know what he did.

> > > > Maybe he knew she wouldn' kill the dog.

> > > > But even if he knew that I still think it is cruel to make

your

> > > CHILD

> > > > think you WOULD - and make THEM pick.

> > > > Because I believed she would.

> > > >

> > > > In fact, I was afraid to go back to the house because one or

> all

> > of

> > > > the dogs would be dead. And if they were all dead - it would

> have

> > > > been MY fault because I didn't pick.

> > > > That was the hard part. If I picked one - it would die.

> > > > But if I didn't pick - they all could.

> > > > But how do you pick?

> > > > Why didn't my dad DO something?

> > > >

> > > > I even was kind of nervous for a few days after that. it took

> me

> > > > awhile to KNOW that the dogs would be safe... and I couldn't

> even

> > > > ask..because I sure didn't want to bring it up..

> > > >

> > > > I wonder if I was six then.

> > > > I think I was a little older.

> > > >

> > > > Maybe that's one thing that makes it hard to make choices.

> > > > I don't know.

> > > >

> > > > I hope this bubble dissolves.

> > > >

> > > > Free