Re: This is common BP stuff, right?

[Guest guest]

Nicky,

I think not seeing someone is a way of setting a firm boundary. And a

pretty heavy one.

This, in itself, is not bad. It is very hard to set smaller, lighter

(yet firm) boundaries (issue by issue) - with those who have not

honored our boundaries or allowed us to have any.

Others might react by acting like our not seeing them is " revenge " or

done in cruelty... when it is not. It is a way of taking some time

and space for ourselves..without interference from others who

are " making us sick. "

I know there were times I did not go see the guy-friend-person for a

few days because I needed time to myself AFTER our interactions.

Sometimes he would be upset with me and try to pull me back in by

accusing me of doing " paybacks. " Yet I wasn't not seeing him

to " punish " him - I was not seeing him because it was harmful to me.

I found it was best to keep the issue focused on ME - and that I

needed some time away. Yet I don't think not seeing me really

bothered him as much as he thought I was doing so as revenge (and

because it had been so unlike me to stay away from him when I had a

chance to see him)...so your case may be different. But if I got

pulled into trying to explain WHY I was bothered being around him -

it was hardly ever productive. He seemed to need to mantain the image

of himself of always being kind, patient, and understanding of me.

Even if he COULD admit HE had done something - it was always " I'm

always kind until my patience runs out.. " So in trying to explain and

get him to understand - we went right back into the downward spirals.

It worked better when I was able to think whatever he needed to think

about himself - and take the responsibilty on ME for needing time for

myself. That way - he didn't have to " defend " his image - and he

could wait patiently for me to get my " stuff " together so I could

return without bothering him about why I needed time away in the

first place.

Those short times away did not work well. I now need more time away

and more space between us than before. And I still sometimes want so

much to EXPLAIN to him - to have him UNDERSTAND. But I can't really

explain in a way he could understand. If he could understand - he

would have done so long ago.

Free

> I need to not interact with nada while I figure this out, or maybe

> ever. This is frecking out my Dad and brother, not to mention

her.

> My Dad calls everyday and asks me to call her. She calls or writes

> letters saying she is the only one I have, that our family is so

> small, that what I say happened is a lie, and I am evil for always

> taking and never giving back to the family, etc. I guess it sounds

> stupid when I actually write it down and I say it. But some how

> when she says it I start to feel crazy. I guess maybe I'll put a

> block on my phone and though out her letters. This whole thing

> makes me sick to my stomach. Nicky

[Guest guest]

nicky, you are wise to notice this is common -- been there, seen that, wear the

KO t-shirt. it hurts coming from your mother and family of origin. and i have

gotten great relief from something edith told me. intellectually we understand

bp rather quickly. emotionally it is slow and can be very painful and exposure

has also made me sick to my stomach. the best advice i got for when situations

get like this came from a monk: stay away and pray. another good one is, " fools

rush in where angels dare not trod " tiki

This is common BP stuff, right?

I need to not interact with nada while I figure this out, or maybe

ever. This is frecking out my Dad and brother, not to mention her.

My Dad calls everyday and asks me to call her. She calls or writes

letters saying she is the only one I have, that our family is so

small, that what I say happened is a lie, and I am evil for always

taking and never giving back to the family, etc. I guess it sounds

stupid when I actually write it down and I say it. But some how

when she says it I start to feel crazy. I guess maybe I'll put a

block on my phone and though out her letters. This whole thing

makes me sick to my stomach. Nicky

Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

" Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

http://www.BPDCentral.com

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Guest guest]

re; boundaries

I spoke to a psyhiatrist who specialized in BP, he said, in no uncertain terms,

that when dealing with bp's you need really BIG boundaries around you and of

course, we have to always have an out when the behavior rears it's head. tiki

Re: This is common BP stuff, right?

Nicky,

I think not seeing someone is a way of setting a firm boundary. And a

pretty heavy one.

This, in itself, is not bad. It is very hard to set smaller, lighter

(yet firm) boundaries (issue by issue) - with those who have not

honored our boundaries or allowed us to have any.

Others might react by acting like our not seeing them is " revenge " or

done in cruelty... when it is not. It is a way of taking some time

and space for ourselves..without interference from others who

are " making us sick. "

I know there were times I did not go see the guy-friend-person for a

few days because I needed time to myself AFTER our interactions.

Sometimes he would be upset with me and try to pull me back in by

accusing me of doing " paybacks. " Yet I wasn't not seeing him

to " punish " him - I was not seeing him because it was harmful to me.

I found it was best to keep the issue focused on ME - and that I

needed some time away. Yet I don't think not seeing me really

bothered him as much as he thought I was doing so as revenge (and

because it had been so unlike me to stay away from him when I had a

chance to see him)...so your case may be different. But if I got

pulled into trying to explain WHY I was bothered being around him -

it was hardly ever productive. He seemed to need to mantain the image

of himself of always being kind, patient, and understanding of me.

Even if he COULD admit HE had done something - it was always " I'm

always kind until my patience runs out.. " So in trying to explain and

get him to understand - we went right back into the downward spirals.

It worked better when I was able to think whatever he needed to think

about himself - and take the responsibilty on ME for needing time for

myself. That way - he didn't have to " defend " his image - and he

could wait patiently for me to get my " stuff " together so I could

return without bothering him about why I needed time away in the

first place.

Those short times away did not work well. I now need more time away

and more space between us than before. And I still sometimes want so

much to EXPLAIN to him - to have him UNDERSTAND. But I can't really

explain in a way he could understand. If he could understand - he

would have done so long ago.

Free

> I need to not interact with nada while I figure this out, or maybe

> ever. This is frecking out my Dad and brother, not to mention

her.

> My Dad calls everyday and asks me to call her. She calls or writes

> letters saying she is the only one I have, that our family is so

> small, that what I say happened is a lie, and I am evil for always

> taking and never giving back to the family, etc. I guess it sounds

> stupid when I actually write it down and I say it. But some how

> when she says it I start to feel crazy. I guess maybe I'll put a

> block on my phone and though out her letters. This whole thing

> makes me sick to my stomach. Nicky

Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

" Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

http://www.BPDCentral.com

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Guest guest]

Nicky,

I think what you are experiencing with your dad is

called 'triangulation'. BPs frequently will try to involve others to

help them when a KO (in case you don't know the lingo yet, KO means

Kid Of a BP) sets boundaries. It sounds like you have set a boundary

with your step mom that is very healthy for you. If you continue to

interact with her, she will just continue to abuse you. I know, I've

been there and am still there. I finally divorced myself from my mom

after trying everything I could to help her understand that she had a

problem that required serious therapy and she still tells me I'm

lying and imagining things. Her saying that is just another form of

abuse and I refuse to let her treat me that way. I know you feel

crazy, so do I, but you're not. SHE is. Your dad and brother may

not have had the same experience with her that you have, so they

probably don't believe you. The only person in my family who

believes me is my dad and that's only because she treated him as

badly as she does me. Otherwise, I would be totally alone in dealing

with this except for my husband, and even then, as supportive as he

is, about all he can do is hold me when I cry because he really

doesn't understand, although he does try and he is VERY protective of

me. I am very thankful for that. This morning I actually threw up

not because I was physically ill, but because my heart was hurting so

much that I had to 'purge' the pain, so I know how it feels to be

sick to your stomach. The best thing you can do for yourself is put

YOURSELF first. I know that sounds selfish, but it isn't. Your dad

and your brother probably aren't going to understand and you

shouldn't necessarily expect them to. Their experience with her may

be different from yours. Protect yourself now and it WILL get better

in the future. Edith, our moderator, has said that many times, and I

am looking forward to the day it is true for me. We call it

the 'lamppost' - that one day we will all be able to meet under the

lamppost and know that we are okay and these bad feelings will go

away or at least become manageable.

Love and Blessings,

Tammy

> I need to not interact with nada while I figure this out, or maybe

> ever. This is frecking out my Dad and brother, not to mention

her.

> My Dad calls everyday and asks me to call her. She calls or writes

> letters saying she is the only one I have, that our family is so

> small, that what I say happened is a lie, and I am evil for always

> taking and never giving back to the family, etc. I guess it sounds

> stupid when I actually write it down and I say it. But some how

> when she says it I start to feel crazy. I guess maybe I'll put a

> block on my phone and though out her letters. This whole thing

> makes me sick to my stomach. Nicky