Guest guest Posted December 17, 2003 Report Share Posted December 17, 2003 Hi, I have a terrible memory when it comes to my childhood, very spotty and fuzzy. I flinch at physical contact, up until a few years ago I'd avoid eye contact, and I was also significantly sick as a child. It does sound like a lot of the symptoms of sexual abuse, but I don't recall any of that in my past. People talk about repressed memories and all that, but for me, I think it's the result of being raised by a BP mom. If you think about it, we learn about affection from our mothers. Normal infants learn to associate attention/affection with love and other positive feelings, and it becomes an ingrained response - physical touch = positive. For KOs, attention from our mothers often was a very negative thing, and affection came with lots of strings attached.. and the certainty that the affection would be taken away from us at some point. I learned to view attention as a very negative thing, and so I got very good at avoiding it. I also learned to be very, very cautious of affection, because I never knew what it meant. So for me, I think these problems are connected to having a nada. I thought your post was interesting, though, because that had occured to me as well. > I was wondering if anyone else has felt that the 'symptoms' we carry > from having a parent with bpd could possibly mirror symptoms of other > issues, problems, etc? Or is that just denial? > > I mentioned in a post yesterday how my counselor (who I've seen > around 12 times) suggested to me that I could have ADD or ADHD. > Because of how reactive I am and impulsive, because of how I focus > intensely on certain things, how I can be disorganized, etc. I don't > believe it's ADHD or ADD. I have looked it up quite a bit over the > last couple of days just to be sure, and I believe I am. > > What I am not so sure about is a possibility of sexual abuse-- I was > often exposed to a variety of people as a young child, including one > man my mother states sexually abused her when she was a child. I > feel that there are some elements of my personality and problems that > would 'fit' with sexual abuse but I don't recall that type of > situation. I recall reacting strongly when my mom told me about her > abuse (she told me when I was 6 or 7), I recall even before that > being freaked out about using public bathrooms in preschool, feeling > rigid and un-affectionate, etc. I didn't like to be touched or > looked at and I still have that problem. I had migraine headaches > and stomach problems in elementary school. And just a variety of > other things... So I have read and read and read and I don't know > what to think. Can all these just be symptoms of having my mom? Is > it possible the problems and things that she exhibited due to her > sexual abuse would be " transferred " onto me? > > I dno't want to make any assumptions but at the same time, I am very > good at denial. I have an excellent memory but I find that sometimes > I am not as accurate as I would have thought. > > Thank you for listening and any input or thoughts on this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 17, 2003 Report Share Posted December 17, 2003 This sounds like something you may want to explore further with your counselor. Have you told him or her that you think you may have been sexually abused? It is highly likely that my bp mother was sexually abused as a child as well. She would never discuss it, but sex and sexuality has always been a strange issue with her. Growing up, my mother made my siblings and I feel as if sex was dirty and wrong. When a close family member was molested by someone at the age of six, mom acted as if the girl had deserved it. Even with all these mixed messages, I never seemed to have an problem with physical intimacy. Emotional intimacy is another story! I am concerned about the feelings you describe. Recently a friend of mine who exhibited many of the same traits as you describe, told me she had een sexually molested by her grandfather. I encouraged her to enter into therapy. She has been seeing her therapist for awhile now and has started the process of dealing with many repressed memories and eventually healing. The emotional scars of sexual abuse are not something that will go away on their own. I obviously can't tell you what to do because everyone needs to figure out what will work for them, but I think talking to your counselor might help. > I was wondering if anyone else has felt that the 'symptoms' we carry > from having a parent with bpd could possibly mirror symptoms of other > issues, problems, etc? Or is that just denial? > > I mentioned in a post yesterday how my counselor (who I've seen > around 12 times) suggested to me that I could have ADD or ADHD. > Because of how reactive I am and impulsive, because of how I focus > intensely on certain things, how I can be disorganized, etc. I don't > believe it's ADHD or ADD. I have looked it up quite a bit over the > last couple of days just to be sure, and I believe I am. > > What I am not so sure about is a possibility of sexual abuse-- I was > often exposed to a variety of people as a young child, including one > man my mother states sexually abused her when she was a child. I > feel that there are some elements of my personality and problems that > would 'fit' with sexual abuse but I don't recall that type of > situation. I recall reacting strongly when my mom told me about her > abuse (she told me when I was 6 or 7), I recall even before that > being freaked out about using public bathrooms in preschool, feeling > rigid and un-affectionate, etc. I didn't like to be touched or > looked at and I still have that problem. I had migraine headaches > and stomach problems in elementary school. And just a variety of > other things... So I have read and read and read and I don't know > what to think. Can all these just be symptoms of having my mom? Is > it possible the problems and things that she exhibited due to her > sexual abuse would be " transferred " onto me? > > I dno't want to make any assumptions but at the same time, I am very > good at denial. I have an excellent memory but I find that sometimes > I am not as accurate as I would have thought. > > Thank you for listening and any input or thoughts on this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 17, 2003 Report Share Posted December 17, 2003 Hi! Mother was divorced, so she worked while g'ma raised us at home. G'ma was really my mother. Anyhow, g'ma taught me that sex was something all normal boys wanted, but " good " girls had to demand respect by withholding it until marriage. You know........why buy the cow when the milk's free. If a boy was worth having, he would be willing to wait. G'ma was born in the 1890s, and she spent a few years in a Catholic boarding school where she was taught how to dress and undress without uncovering herself. She confided that she had a very difficult time giving herself in marriage, and that she was glad her husband had been very patient with her. She referred to women who gave sex freely as sluts and whores, and if they lived with a man outside marriage, it was " shacking up " . If any woman got raped, it was because she had teased the man beyond tolerance, and she deserved what she got. I believed her. I grew up thinking sex was wrong and dirty too. I don't think I was told that, I just got the impression somehow. Of course, I was reared Catholic where I was taught by the nuns that the most pleasing life to lead was one of celibacy, and if that wasn't possible, then get married, which was second best. The subtle message was, " sex is for the less spiritually minded " . As a kid, it never occurred to me an adult would want to have sex with a kid. Heck, I couldn't even imagine two normal grownups having sex, much less with a kid! I figured it was done only when they wanted a kid. I remember the neighbor kid and I giggling and snickering one day when he said he'd heard his mother and father " doing it " the night before. I was sure he'd be getting a brother or sister soon. He didn't. I have no clue if mother or g'ma were sexually abused. I never thought much about it until a few years ago when I discovered BPD. Now I have to wonder. :-) Carol M amq20@... wrote: > This sounds like something you may want to explore further with your > counselor. Have you told him or her that you think you may have > been sexually abused? It is highly likely that my bp mother was > sexually abused as a child as well. She would never discuss it, but > sex and sexuality has always been a strange issue with her. Growing > up, my mother made my siblings and I feel as if sex was dirty and > wrong. When a close family member was molested by someone at the > age of six, mom acted as if the girl had deserved it. Even with all > these mixed messages, I never seemed to have an problem with > physical intimacy. Emotional intimacy is another story! I am > concerned about the feelings you describe. Recently a friend of > mine who exhibited many of the same traits as you describe, told me > she had een sexually molested by her grandfather. I encouraged her > to enter into therapy. She has been seeing her therapist for > awhile now and has started the process of dealing with many > repressed memories and eventually healing. The emotional scars of > sexual abuse are not something that will go away on their own. I > obviously can't tell you what to do because everyone needs to figure > out what will work for them, but I think talking to your counselor > might help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2003 Report Share Posted December 18, 2003 > I have a terrible memory when it comes to my childhood, very spotty > and fuzzy. I flinch at physical contact, up until a few years ago > I'd avoid eye contact, and I was also significantly sick as a > child. It does sound like a lot of the symptoms of sexual abuse, > but I don't recall any of that in my past. People talk about > repressed memories and all that, but for me, I think it's the > result of being raised by a BP mom. Michell, this description fits me precisely. I think the emotional abuse, the refusal to let me be an individual, is the equivalent of rape and perhaps worse. One thing that my mother and her mother did was to give me forced enemas whenever they thought I had taken too long to have a " bowel movement " . This is an emotional equivalent of rape. I was often constipated in childhood. When I was a teenager my mother took me to the hospital to find out what was the matter with my intestines. They gave me a GI series (another rape), and said that I had " redundant bowel syndrome " . That is, it is all stretched out. I wonder why? But the constipation largely stopped as soon as I left home. - Dan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2003 Report Share Posted December 18, 2003 Dan, my mother was also obsessed with bowel movements and foced us to drink prune juice and gave us enemas when we were very young. She would rage that " I am not taking you to the hospital if you get sick " . She constantly told us we were picky eaters and told everyone we never ate fruits and vegetables (which she forced fed on us). I never suffered the humiliation of being taken to the hospital but to this day my mother still makes comments to anyone that will listen about how her kids are such bad eaters and that is why we are all sick as adults! My brothers both have ulceritive colitis which they acquired in their teens. This is an inflammation of the colon which can lead to colon cancer if not treated. Your story really made me realize that this is yet another " sick " thing that she did to us. I need to remember these things so I can eliminate the guilt of staying out of contact with her. Thanks for sharing your story. Debbie n a message dated 12/18/2003 3:35:43 AM Eastern Standard Time, danc19fr@... writes: > Michell, this description fits me precisely. I think the emotional > abuse, the refusal to let me be an individual, is the equivalent of > rape and perhaps worse. One thing that my mother and her mother did > was to give me forced enemas whenever they thought I had taken too > long to have a " bowel movement " . This is an emotional equivalent of > rape. I was often constipated in childhood. When I was a teenager > my mother took me to the hospital to find out what was the matter > with my intestines. They gave me a GI series (another rape), and > said that I had " redundant bowel syndrome " . That is, it is all > stretched out. I wonder why? But the constipation largely stopped > as soon as I left home. > > - Dan > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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