Re: For those whose mothers have passed...

[Guest guest]

I told my Mother about her behavior towards me - or at least I tried to

several times. When I did, she always ignored me. I couldn't do it face to

face

because when I was 15, she suddenly left the country to chase after a man who

lived overseas and we never lived in the same country again. But I tried in

letters and sometimes I tried on the phone. When she answered the letters, she

would write page after page (sometimes more than 30) about her problems but

would never refer to what I had written about my life. This used to make me

full of rage.

The next stage I went through was regretting telling her. I felt that it

would have been better if I hadn't told her anything at all, because now I KNEW

that SHE KNEW my feelings, and that she still made the choice to ignore them. I

felt as if I had handed her some fresh ways to hurt me on a neat little

plate. (Since as a child I was abandoned by her, the easiest and naturally most

effective way for her to stick it to me again was to treat me as if she didn't

hear or see me.) Wishing I hadn't said anything changed when I realized that I

could never have respected myself if I hadn't at least made an attempt to let

her know how I felt.

If she ever would even engage in talking about my feelings on the phone,

which was highly unlikely to begin with, she would always say that I was just

trying to make her feel guilty. She would sigh and say, " Why do you want to

talk

about when you were young? " I guess that she just didn't care she was the

only person on the planet who could furnish me with the story of my childhood

life.

Since she has died, (2 months ago), I have finally allowed myself to accept

what a truly awful Mother she was. For some reason, I was unable to really

accept this while she was alive. I spent so much time trying to have a

relationship with her and denying the fact she didn't want one with me. It was

always

a question of, " Well if I try just a little harder........... " I always used

to think, " If I could just do a cartwheel on the moon for her, " but even then

I knew in my heart she either wouldn't be watching or she'd say I did it wrong.

Lin.

[Guest guest]

I just posted for the first time a short while ago. I just wanted to

add that I think it is a good idea to confront your mother, and for

the reasons you mentioned, because of the benefit to you.

I had to confront my mother this past fall, and it was difficult and

painful. She did not agree, and felt that I was wrong (as I always

was). But I have felt so much better for doing so. I know my own

truth, and I honored that truth, and my self, by speaking up. Good

luck to you.

> I have a question...

>

> Did you ever try to confront her, or at least to outline to her the

> ways in which her behaviors had affected your life, or anything

like

> that? If not, do you wish you had? Not necessarily (actually not

at

> all) because you thought it would make a difference to her, but

that

> it would be good for you to tell the one person you could never be

> honest with things that you never thought you would? I guess I am

> sort of a writer by nature, and I feel that it's important to tell

> someone my feelings, regardless of whether it's going to impact

them

> or change their way of thinking or behaving. I don't really know

> WHY, but it helps me. And writing, not sending, that's not what

I'm

> talking about. Just that I tried. I don't know if I could ever do

> that with my mom but it might be a step for me in letting go of

that

> hold. It's the one thing I would do with anyone else that I don't

do

> with her, out of fear, out of... fear. That's about it. I don't

> know why she scares me. She's pathetic and that's never been

clearer

> than it is now. But she freaks me out.

>

> Anyway... I'm not ever wanting to be in her life again, but I still

> the urge to do it if for no other reason than to let myself know

she

> doesn't control ME anymore. I have always been able to be my own

> separate person with most everyone else, but not with her.

>

> And maybe I'm just obsessing too much over her and this situation.

> It's just that I'm only now realizing after 28 years the effect her

> crap has really truly had on me. I used to think I was just a

> defective person, even when I knew she was completely out of it, I

> still thought there was something inherently wrong with me. I'm

> starting not to think that anymore, which is hard because then I

> think I'm being somewhat 'arrogant'.

>

> I think I'll just end every email with " I still have a long way to

> go... "

[Guest guest]

Scout, I tried and tried and tried, when I was desperate, when I was

calm, when I was hopeful, when I was in despair, every way I could

think of, I tried. Once, in conjunction with my therapist, I

confronted her about her alcoholism and abuse in a letter. (I didn't

really figure out the BP thing in her lifetime.)

She said she got it, and was cold to me for months, until she wanted

something, but never addressed any of the issues. ly, I got

more satisfaction out of seeing/speaking the truth of my experience

to people who did and do understand, and being heard and understood

by them, than I ever got from trying to communicate with Nada.

In a way I'm glad I tried, but I also think a wasted a lot more

energy on it than I should have. I guess I would say I'm not sorry I

tried with her, but I'm sorry I put so much of my heart and soul into

what I now know was a doomed quest to communicate with her in a

meaningful way.

Hugs,

> I have a question...

>

> Did you ever try to confront her, or at least to outline to her the

> ways in which her behaviors had affected your life...

<<snip>>

[Guest guest]

My mother is also still alive, although my wonderful father has

passed away. I also tried on several occassions to discuss this with

my mother. The physical transformation was unbelievable... she would

start out as a red faced angry adult and rapidly change into a

weeping childlike person. It wasn't until I came here that I realized

she was cycling between a witch and waif. Needless to say the

conversation went no where, but I told her I loved her and thought

she could benefit from therapy. She would always agree and it never

went any further than that.

My sisters said she would on occassion ask if they thought therapy

would benefit her. They both think it is a loaded question and she

has no intention of going she is trying to ease her guilt for

something. They both said they now just change the subject. For me I

too don't go down that road anymore. -