Re: should I read/post here?

[Guest guest]

Daphne Barber wrote:

> Hi,

>

> I'm a year into therapy. My dead mother was definite abuser/BP. I

> think I have a lot of the behaviors, but therapist hasn't confirmed yes

> or no as to definite BPD. My two siblings exhibit the behavior, and it's

> very hard for me to deal with them.

>

> Should I be reading/posting here, or is there a more appropriate place?

> Also, perhaps you could suggest a support group strictly for BL's. I

> realize this one is for those affected by a BL -- what happens if you're

> both?

>

> Thanks....

Hi Daphne,

Hmmm, I dunno what a BL is.

This ModOasis list is for the NonBP adult children of BPs. If you have

BPD you can lurk if you wish.

I've included, below, Section 12 of the Guidelines. That section

addresses the problem of BPs on these NonBP lists.

KOs have lots of fleas but BPs get triggered easily so I have you on

moderation as per Section 12 of the WTO Guidelines. The WTO Guidelines

are posted to the WTO lists at the beginning of each month.

- Edith

Manager - WelcomeToOz Family of NonBP Email Support Groups

<<

Section 12. BPs on the WTO LISTS

The BPDCentral lists are NonBP lists; as such, our number one goal is

to provide a place for the NonBPs to feel comfortable to discuss common

concerns. Those diagnosed with BPD, however, are welcome to join for the

following reasons:

* NonBPs and BPs can learn a great deal from each other. BPs have

contributed a great deal to this list and have helped hundreds of people

come to terms and understand BPD behavior.

* People with BPD may also be considered NonBPs if they are coping

with someone with BPD in THEIR lives.

* In early 1996, the members of the list were polled about the topic

and overwhelmingly voted to invite people with BPD on the list as long

as they followed the same general guidelines (no flaming, etc).

* NonBPs often pick up BP behavior and thinking. BPD is a continuum.

It is sometimes impossible to tell where the line begins and ends.

* This is an automated list and we cannot control or guarantee the

mental health of anyone on the list; to say that the list was " BP Free "

is a promise we cannot keep. Under the best of circumstances, some

people do not know they have BPD.

* People who think they don't have BPD may join and then find out

they do. Or others may suspect that they do.

It is helpful for people with BPD to explain what it's like to live

with the disorder. However, even if BPs join the list, discussion WILL

revolve around NonBP issues (coping with a BP's cutting) rather than BP

issues (how to stop cutting).

If you are a Non, please keep in mind that the facilitators are

there to assure that you will not experience the same patterns you do

with the BP in your life. If a post does seem to do that, we are on top

of it (or you may forward it to us if you wish). Please just delete it

and go about your business. You may also join the Non-Only list which is

prohibited to people with known BPD.

If You Have BPD: (Note: current known people with BPD as of Jan.

2001 are grandfathered onto the list.)

First, if you joined to lurk because someone in your life thinks you

have BPD, please tell this person. They already suspect you are here. It

is against the guidelines to lurk to find out information about someone

you know in real life.

Next, if you have BPD but don't know people here, remember that

people joining this list will have feelings of isolation, depression,

guilt, self-blame, anger, helplessness, and grief. These are common,

normal feelings that people on the list will talk about. They will joke.

They will generalize. They will not be at the point where they can take

responsibility for their own part in the relationship.

If you have BPD, it can be difficult to read this list. At times,

you will probably get angry, want to remind people not to generalize and

remind NonBPs they have to take responsibility.

If this list were made up of people at the stage when they are ready

to hear it, these comments would be appropriate. But they are not all at

that stage. Some people are at the stage where just the THOUGHT of

having someone with BPD on the list makes them tremble. (These people

may want to join WTOnon-only).

So your contributions must be limited to explaining BP and being

helpful and supportive. You can listen and learn. But you cannot force

yourself or your beliefs--even if they are 100 percent right--on anyone

here. Why? Because this is a NonBP list and they need to feel safe.

They need to learn at their own pace, not yours.

Remember, these people love the BP in their life. Think of it as a

list of parents talking about teens. They may rail and complain and joke

and so on. But they're here because they love and feel connected to

someone in their life with BPD. A teen might explain the latest slang

and be very helpful in explaining how teens think and why they do what

they do. But the parents will clam up if they feel watched, judged, and

argued with.

So first, you have to make sure you can do this. It's a tall order

and in some ways it isn't fair. Just as important, you must make sure

that being on the list is HELPFUL for you, not HURTFUL. Some people with

BPD have joined the list and become worse. THIS IS NOT FOR EVERYONE.

To ensure the safety of the Nons and the well-being of those with

BPD, if you have BPD please let one of the facilitators know. For a

period of time, we will put you on moderation so the Nons on the list

feel safe and you don't need to worry about impulsively posting. If

after that month you still want to be here and you accept these

guidelines, we will discuss taking you off moderation. (Moderation means

us reviewing posts before they are sent.) If you don't feel good about

being here, please leave before it makes you feel misunderstood. If in

our judgement we feel it's inappropriate for you to be here we reserve

the right to remove you or ask you to leave.

If you are looking for lists just for BPs, there are several. Please

see the online support section on www.BPDCentral.com.

Randi Kreger

List owner, WelcomeToOz Lists

Coauthor, Stop Walking on Eggshells,

Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook,

Love and Loathing, Hope for Parents

www.BPDCentral.com

++++++++++++++++++

>>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for posting that. I think most KOs probably have fleas, but I

don't think a true BP is capable of serious reflection/analysis or

desire for change. I'd be surprised if any real BP's were posting here...

>

> Hi Daphne,

>

> Hmmm, I dunno what a BL is.

>

> This ModOasis list is for the NonBP adult children of BPs. If you have

> BPD you can lurk if you wish.

>

> I've included, below, Section 12 of the Guidelines. That section

> addresses the problem of BPs on these NonBP lists.

>

> KOs have lots of fleas but BPs get triggered easily so I have you on

> moderation as per Section 12 of the WTO Guidelines. The WTO Guidelines

> are posted to the WTO lists at the beginning of each month.

>

> - Edith

> Manager - WelcomeToOz Family of NonBP Email Support Groups

>

> <<

> Section 12. BPs on the WTO LISTS

>

> The BPDCentral lists are NonBP lists; as such, our number one goal is

> to provide a place for the NonBPs to feel comfortable to discuss common

> concerns. Those diagnosed with BPD, however, are welcome to join for the

> following reasons:

> * NonBPs and BPs can learn a great deal from each other. BPs have

> contributed a great deal to this list and have helped hundreds of people

> come to terms and understand BPD behavior.

> * People with BPD may also be considered NonBPs if they are coping

> with someone with BPD in THEIR lives.

> * In early 1996, the members of the list were polled about the topic

> and overwhelmingly voted to invite people with BPD on the list as long

> as they followed the same general guidelines (no flaming, etc).

> * NonBPs often pick up BP behavior and thinking. BPD is a continuum.

> It is sometimes impossible to tell where the line begins and ends.

> * This is an automated list and we cannot control or guarantee the

> mental health of anyone on the list; to say that the list was " BP Free "

> is a promise we cannot keep. Under the best of circumstances, some

> people do not know they have BPD.

> * People who think they don't have BPD may join and then find out

> they do. Or others may suspect that they do.

> It is helpful for people with BPD to explain what it's like to live

> with the disorder. However, even if BPs join the list, discussion WILL

> revolve around NonBP issues (coping with a BP's cutting) rather than BP

> issues (how to stop cutting).

> If you are a Non, please keep in mind that the facilitators are

> there to assure that you will not experience the same patterns you do

> with the BP in your life. If a post does seem to do that, we are on top

> of it (or you may forward it to us if you wish). Please just delete it

> and go about your business. You may also join the Non-Only list which is

> prohibited to people with known BPD.

> If You Have BPD: (Note: current known people with BPD as of Jan.

> 2001 are grandfathered onto the list.)

> First, if you joined to lurk because someone in your life thinks you

> have BPD, please tell this person. They already suspect you are here. It

> is against the guidelines to lurk to find out information about someone

> you know in real life.

> Next, if you have BPD but don't know people here, remember that

> people joining this list will have feelings of isolation, depression,

> guilt, self-blame, anger, helplessness, and grief. These are common,

> normal feelings that people on the list will talk about. They will joke.

> They will generalize. They will not be at the point where they can take

> responsibility for their own part in the relationship.

> If you have BPD, it can be difficult to read this list. At times,

> you will probably get angry, want to remind people not to generalize and

> remind NonBPs they have to take responsibility.

> If this list were made up of people at the stage when they are ready

> to hear it, these comments would be appropriate. But they are not all at

> that stage. Some people are at the stage where just the THOUGHT of

> having someone with BPD on the list makes them tremble. (These people

> may want to join WTOnon-only).

> So your contributions must be limited to explaining BP and being

> helpful and supportive. You can listen and learn. But you cannot force

> yourself or your beliefs--even if they are 100 percent right--on anyone

> here. Why? Because this is a NonBP list and they need to feel safe.

> They need to learn at their own pace, not yours.

> Remember, these people love the BP in their life. Think of it as a

> list of parents talking about teens. They may rail and complain and joke

> and so on. But they're here because they love and feel connected to

> someone in their life with BPD. A teen might explain the latest slang

> and be very helpful in explaining how teens think and why they do what

> they do. But the parents will clam up if they feel watched, judged, and

> argued with.

> So first, you have to make sure you can do this. It's a tall order

> and in some ways it isn't fair. Just as important, you must make sure

> that being on the list is HELPFUL for you, not HURTFUL. Some people with

> BPD have joined the list and become worse. THIS IS NOT FOR EVERYONE.

> To ensure the safety of the Nons and the well-being of those with

> BPD, if you have BPD please let one of the facilitators know. For a

> period of time, we will put you on moderation so the Nons on the list

> feel safe and you don't need to worry about impulsively posting. If

> after that month you still want to be here and you accept these

> guidelines, we will discuss taking you off moderation. (Moderation means

> us reviewing posts before they are sent.) If you don't feel good about

> being here, please leave before it makes you feel misunderstood. If in

> our judgement we feel it's inappropriate for you to be here we reserve

> the right to remove you or ask you to leave.

> If you are looking for lists just for BPs, there are several. Please

> see the online support section on www.BPDCentral.com.

>

> Randi Kreger

> List owner, WelcomeToOz Lists

> Coauthor, Stop Walking on Eggshells,

> Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook,

> Love and Loathing, Hope for Parents

> www.BPDCentral.com

>

> ++++++++++++++++++

>

> >>

[Guest guest]

rhythm_methd wrote:

> Thanks for posting that. I think most KOs probably have fleas, but I

> don't think a true BP is capable of serious reflection/analysis or

> desire for change. I'd be surprised if any real BP's were posting here...

You're correct in that BPs don't usually post here. Its my job to keep

them off these NonBP lists.

- Edith

[Guest guest]

> You're correct in that BPs don't usually post here.

> Its my job to keep them off these NonBP lists.

Edith, you're doing a good job of it. I feel really safe here now.

When I first joined I had some real problems that ended with me and a

few others quitting the group for a while. That feels like ancient

history now. I wonder, have I grown so much or did I just trigger a

few BP's? Hard to see from inside me.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

Hey Dan, just my own opinion, but I think you've learned a lot since

then (I remember the time you speak of). Feeling safe here certainly

helps the process. It's good to see how far we've come!

(glancing back into the dark hole behind her)

> > You're correct in that BPs don't usually post here.

> > Its my job to keep them off these NonBP lists.

>

> Edith, you're doing a good job of it. I feel really safe here

now.

> When I first joined I had some real problems that ended with me and

a

> few others quitting the group for a while. That feels like ancient

> history now. I wonder, have I grown so much or did I just trigger

a

> few BP's? Hard to see from inside me.

>

> - Dan

[Guest guest]

I think KO's have an internal radar that can sense out the BP's. sometimes this

is good because we are aware, sometimes it is bad if the KO is in an unstable

place and is chosen to be the BP's new yo-yo.......I'm still very secure that

Edith will keep us safe.

rhythm_methd wrote:

> Dan wrote:

Edith, you're doing a good job of it. I feel really safe here now.

>In ModOasis , Edith <psyprof@e...> wrote:

Thank you. Its good to get feedback and a pat on the head once in

awhile.

>-----------------------------------------------------

Edith -- firstly...thanx...

Secondly, you said: " There's always the possibility of a BP

> getting past the moderator. I've been dealing with that problem on some

> of the other WTO lists. Not fun! "

I'm confused. Why would a BP come here? What would he/she/it have to

gain by " getting past " the moderator?

And if I may ask, how can you tell when one of them arrives? I'm

guessing all of us KO's can spot one them instantly, and would flag

the post, right? Do you suppose any of them lurk here -- it gives me

the creeps...

~D.

To unsub send an empty email to ModOasis-unsubscribe

Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

" Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

http://www.BPDCentral.com

---------------------------------

[Guest guest]

shannon wrote:

> I think KO's have an internal radar that can sense out the BP's. sometimes

this is good because we are aware, sometimes it is bad if the KO is in an

unstable place and is chosen to be the BP's new yo-yo.......I'm still very

secure that Edith will keep us safe.

And,

> rhythm_methd wrote:

>

> I'm confused. Why would a BP come here? What would he/she/it have to

> gain by " getting past " the moderator?

Edith here:

Cuz a BP would want to *CONTROL* what we think. For example, a BP wrote

the following on her own list for BPDs:

" ... remember " xxx " going into hysterics because I posted that I

returned to the Oz board under a different alias? I did it a number of

times because as much as that board bugs me, it is still a pretty good

one in terms of addressing BPD issues, it's on-point. I would first

adopt a different-seeming persona (twice as a man) and then once the

moderator took me off moderation I would start to air my *real*

opinions-- and get thrown off. It became pretty fun. "

Uh huh, see, I have my sources.

And, my radar is fine-tuned and works just fine.

- Edith

Gate Keeper / WTO Lists

[Guest guest]

Edith -- that post from the BP makes me want to puke. May I ask you

something -- and if it's too long/complicated maybe you could suggest

how/where to find out? The 'strictly' BPD lists -- what do the BP's

get out of them? What kinds of things do they talk about among

themselves? Wtf is going on in their heads? Do they have a clue how

damaged/damaging they are? I'm really curious -- fascination with the

horrible maybe. I suppose I could go and have a look myself. Maybe

someday I will, but not anytime soon...

(((many thanks))) ~d.

> Edith here:

>

> Cuz a BP would want to *CONTROL* what we think. For example, a BP wrote

> the following on her own list for BPDs:

>

> " ... remember " xxx " going into hysterics because I posted that I

> returned to the Oz board under a different alias? I did it a number of

> times because as much as that board bugs me, it is still a pretty good

> one in terms of addressing BPD issues, it's on-point. I would first

> adopt a different-seeming persona (twice as a man) and then once the

> moderator took me off moderation I would start to air my *real*

> opinions-- and get thrown off. It became pretty fun. "

>

>

> Uh huh, see, I have my sources.

>

> And, my radar is fine-tuned and works just fine.

>

> - Edith

> Gate Keeper / WTO Lists