Re: Triggers

[Guest guest]

<<Can anyone help me with the concept of triggers? What exactly does this

mean and how do you think one would go about trying to identify their

triggers?>> To me, a trigger is a reaction. I was able to identify them when I

finally

realized that my reaction wasn't appropriate for the situation in front of

me.< Is this mostly something that is said or done which causes a person to be

sensitive or respond or what? >> Yes, exactly.

<<maybe examples of triggers>> My husband and I are driving along last Sunday

and all is well. Suddenly he flips from the loud CD we love that was playing

to an unknown radio station which is playing a hymn, I sing along and I say,

" Oh I LOVE hymns " Just as quickly, he flips it off and says, " Not in my car. "

<<why you think you have that trigger,>>It reminds me of a time when I felt

ignored and unheard.

<<how it effects you>> In a flash, I'm back feeling the same thing I felt

when the feeling of being truly ignored was at it's worst which would be when I

realized that I was so unimportant to my parents, they abandoned me. << what

you do to try to soothe yourself or

whatever the phrase would be?>> Well now, it never occurred to me to soothe

myself at these times and even if it did, I'm too distressed to think of much

else but what is happening right them....but I am working on recognizing that.

.

[Guest guest]

scoutbonon wrote:

> Can anyone help me with the concept of triggers? What exactly does

> this mean and how do you think one would go about trying to identify

> their triggers? Is this mostly something that is said or done which

> causes a person to be sensitive or respond or what? I could probably

> look it up but I'm interested in it from the standpoint of KOs.

> Like, maybe examples of triggers, why you think you have that

> trigger, how it effects you, what you do to try to soothe yourself or

> whatever the phrase would be? Thanks to anyone who answers.

Sure, Scout. I'll give you an example of someone being

triggered. You wrote:

<<

.... I know when I was kicked off the list (with no explanation)

after accidentally posting a message from my personal email

account, the same type of post appeared, I guess maybe to show

how everyone is being so dutifully protected (apparently the

thought was I had MPD or something, who knows). I, for one,

after my situation, wish these things would be handled more

privately. There's protectiveness and then there's paranoia,

and veiled messages like this one are confusing...

>>

And then you wanted an apology. But I'd been doing list stuff,

chasing trollers off these WTO lists for the previous two weeks,

and I rolled over instead and went to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Can we be friends now?

<extending my hand>

- Edith

[Guest guest]

Ha. Saw that coming. I thought BPs were the only ones who were

predictable. " I am fully justified in what I did, owe you no

explanation, and I don't care if that was a problem for you because

obviously it's just a *trigger*. Lets be FRIENDS!!! " Nice.

>

> <<

> ... I know when I was kicked off the list (with no explanation)

> after accidentally posting a message from my personal email

> account, the same type of post appeared, I guess maybe to show

> how everyone is being so dutifully protected (apparently the

> thought was I had MPD or something, who knows). I, for one,

> after my situation, wish these things would be handled more

> privately. There's protectiveness and then there's paranoia,

> and veiled messages like this one are confusing...

> >>

>

> And then you wanted an apology. But I'd been doing list stuff,

> chasing trollers off these WTO lists for the previous two weeks,

> and I rolled over instead and went to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

>

> Can we be friends now?

> <extending my hand>

>

> - Edith

[Guest guest]

>

Scout,

The best way I can explain triggers is by example. When I was a kid,

my nada would always tell me stupid shit like that I should be

ashamed of my body and I shouldn't let anyone see it. When I got

older (teens), she told me I was a slut (she was the slut!) in spite

of the fact that I didn't lose my virginity until I was 21. Even

now, 20 years later, if anything happens that reminds me of the way

she treated me when I was young, it causes me to withdraw from sex.

I have a great relationship with my husband, yet after 12 years of

marriage, I still can't initiate sex because in my mind that's what

sluts do. I know intellectually that it's a bunch of BS, but it has

been so ingrained in me by my BP nada that I'm really having to work

hard at undoing the trauma she caused. Essentially, a trigger is

anything that causes you to react to someone as if they were your BP

parent or any situation that reminds you of some trauma caused by

your BP parent. Does this help?

Tammy

Can anyone help me with the concept of triggers? What exactly does

> this mean and how do you think one would go about trying to

identify

> their triggers? Is this mostly something that is said or done

which

> causes a person to be sensitive or respond or what? I could

probably

> look it up but I'm interested in it from the standpoint of KOs.

> Like, maybe examples of triggers, why you think you have that

> trigger, how it effects you, what you do to try to soothe yourself

or

> whatever the phrase would be? Thanks to anyone who answers.

[Guest guest]

Now - this trigger thing has me going...

I Do recognize triggers (most often AFTER the fact) when my reaction

is totally innapropriate for the situation. The situation kicks you

into the " drooling dog mode " - where you are responding to something

in the past - and using the present as a vehicle to do that.

To me - trigger also implies an EMOTIONAL response - and usually the

conotation is negative.

Yet - wouldn't our drooling dog patterns also be triggers? Wouldn't

anything that brings about any conditioned response be a trigger?

Where I get mixed up is the blend of trigger and honest reaction.

Just because something triggers a reaction doesn't necessarily mean

the reaction is innappropriate - though maybe the intensity of the

reaction might be.

Like your reaction to being ignored and unheard. That is a real

BIGGIE for me. What is an innappropriate reaction to being ignored

and unheard? If you are actually being ignored and unheard - it might

trigger the past - but also be a thing to deal with in the present.

Recently - I had a real bad time feeling unheard and not validated by

the guy-friend-person. Is it innappropriate to feel upset and hurt by

that?

It's hard because it is like I start taking all the blame on ME -

because *I* have the trigger.

And it really threw me back into remembering a time I DID try to tell

my dad I was hurting and he wouldn't HEAR me - and HE got aggravated.

But my reaction to my dad was to not try to tell him again. My

reaction to my guy-friend-person was to KEEP TRYING to TELL him - to

INSIST on TRYING to be heard until I felt validated.

Neither approach seemed to work though.

But yet - the triggers don't always stand alone - sometimes they

tangle in with current situations which are ALSO not good. But I

guess, as long as you have the trigger - it's hard to know which is

which.

Free

> <<Can anyone help me with the concept of triggers? What exactly

does this

> mean and how do you think one would go about trying to identify

their

> triggers?>> To me, a trigger is a reaction. I was able to identify

them when I finally

> realized that my reaction wasn't appropriate for the situation in

front of

> me.< Is this mostly something that is said or done which causes a

person to be

> sensitive or respond or what? >> Yes, exactly.

> <<maybe examples of triggers>> My husband and I are driving along

last Sunday

> and all is well. Suddenly he flips from the loud CD we love that

was playing

> to an unknown radio station which is playing a hymn, I sing along

and I say,

> " Oh I LOVE hymns " Just as quickly, he flips it off and says, " Not

in my car. "

> <<why you think you have that trigger,>>It reminds me of a time

when I felt

> ignored and unheard.

> <<how it effects you>> In a flash, I'm back feeling the same thing

I felt

> when the feeling of being truly ignored was at it's worst which

would be when I

> realized that I was so unimportant to my parents, they abandoned

me. << what

> you do to try to soothe yourself or

> whatever the phrase would be?>> Well now, it never occurred to me

to soothe

> myself at these times and even if it did, I'm too distressed to

think of much

> else but what is happening right them....but I am working on

recognizing that.

>

> .

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

> > Essentially, a trigger is

> anything that causes you to react to someone as if they were your

BP

> parent or any situation that reminds you of some trauma caused by

> your BP parent. Does this help?

Yes it helps... I think (coughcough) I have many triggers. I am

wondering if there is a way to work around them or what usually is

the treatment for dealing with them. Right now I'm working in

therapy regarding my tendency to either under-react or overreact in

situations and I think that both could be in response to triggers.

The underreaction is really kind of withdrawing, denial,

seeking 'cover', while the overreaction is, well, just that. I

wasn't sure if it would help to like write down everything that I

could see as being a response to triggers, or if this is just my way

to justify my own hypervigilance. Hmm... I would think about it

anyway, might as well try and learn from it? Or will being more

aware of it just make me feel in less control. I seriously thought

until a few months ago I was in total control of everything. Hmph.

[Guest guest]

> > > Essentially, a trigger is

> > anything that causes you to react to someone as if they were your

> BP

> > parent or any situation that reminds you of some trauma caused by

> > your BP parent. Does this help?

>

> Yes it helps... I think (coughcough) I have many triggers. I am

> wondering if there is a way to work around them or what usually is

> the treatment for dealing with them. Right now I'm working in

> therapy regarding my tendency to either under-react or overreact in

> situations and I think that both could be in response to triggers.

> The underreaction is really kind of withdrawing, denial,

> seeking 'cover', while the overreaction is, well, just that. I

> wasn't sure if it would help to like write down everything that I

> could see as being a response to triggers, or if this is just my

way

> to justify my own hypervigilance. Hmm... I would think about it

> anyway, might as well try and learn from it? Or will being more

> aware of it just make me feel in less control. I seriously thought

> until a few months ago I was in total control of everything. Hmph.

[Guest guest]

> >

> Cough!Hack!Wheeze! I have triggers galore! I don't think you can

> work around them. My therapist is teaching me how to recognize

them

> and then visualize the situation in a new positive light where I

> don't over or under react.

This question is a bit stupid, but when you are working with your

therapist, or anyone else, do they actually TELL you to visualize

things or point things out that lead you to a certain point? I'm

only asking because when I am in therapy it seems like I am still a

bit in control of it (because I know exactly what I will share) and

then I just kind of talk and talk until I get to a certain conclusion

or something. I don't know how to explain it but I've never been in

therapy before so I don't know if that's normal, and if it is then

why couldn't I just do that by like, talking to myself?

I spoke with someone who is a therapist/social worker though not my

therapist and we talked about my therapist and I told her how it was

hard for me because when the therapist would ask what I wanted to

work on I would say I don't know (because I worry that if she has to

ask then maybe it's an issue I'm overreacting to). And this woman I

was talking to said that my therapist shouldn't just accept an " I

don't know " . And I think I kind of agree. ALthough when I do point

out something I want to work on, my therapist tends to explain that

it's " perfectly normal " to think the way I do. Huh??? It's SO

confusing. I already told her to please not tell me what she thinks

I want to hear (people think they need to do this, drives me nuts!)

ANYWAY, my point...um... how do you know when you have a good match

with a therapist? I don't have unlimited resources and I've been

with this counselor for months now, and I don't want to switch to

someone who's worse, especially if she isn't really that bad (I can

be impatient especially when I can't SEE exactly where something is

going or results).

One other thing I was considering the other day after my session, is

that I have come to believe I am extremely self-centered. And I

don't mean selfish. I mean that everything is about me. Like even

when I am doing things to please other people, I will say or do what

*I* would want to hear or have done if I was in there position. So

even in being 'giving', I am reflecting on myself. And when I am

extremely aware of what I'm doing or saying, again, that's focusing

on ME, instead of them. LIke, I never considered that they might do

the same thing-- wonder what I'm thinking about them, etc. So now

I'm feeling like a bad person for making it all about me. I really

don't know that I'm doing much progressing in therapy though and I am

trying to be fair because it could be my fault. I am very

controlling about what I say even there because I take cues from the

therapist (I can tell when I say something she is interested in - I

know people might question that but I really am very perceptive and

it's NOT paranoia..)

So anyway.. that's about it sorry for rambling on and on.

[Guest guest]

legoarwen2003 wrote:

>

>

> You thought you were in total control of everything, huh? Don't we

> all wish that were true. Someday, it will be, as it seems to be for

> people like Edith who have worked through this crap, but I don't

> think any of us (including Edith) can really say that we are in total

> control at all times.

Edith here...

ta da

The NEED to feel IN CONTROL of others was my *biggest* fleas for

decades.

I was talking to my adult son one day, early in my recovery. It

was after I'd read about the BP's need to feel in control. All

of a sudden I heard what was coming out of my mouth. SPLAT! I

stopped mid-sentence and killed that flea right there on the

spot. I never finished the sentence and I never had to deal with

that flea again. It was a life-changing moment.

And, in that instant of clarity, the following sentence finally

made sense:

" Everyone is responsible only for their own behavior. "

It was a flea I'd learned at my nada's knee. It originated from

her fear of losing control in her tipsy-turvy, cognitively

distorted/out-of-control emotional world. Hey, she was one of my

two main role models.

And, following that, there was a domino effect cuz I no longer

had to second-guess others.

Looking back, learning how to say " No " (I practiced at first

while looking in the mirror) and ridding mySelf of the need to

feel " in control " of others were milestones in my recovery.

Learning to say " No " is important because that's how one

establishes boundaries.

- Edith

[Guest guest]

>>Amen!!!! Saying " No " and risking negative consequences has been a

BIGGY for me. But, DAMN! It sure feels good when you do!

Tammy

> Learning to say " No " is important because that's how one

> establishes boundaries.

>

> - Edith