Re: PLEASE HELP!!!!! Grieving Tamy Tamy

[Guest guest]

> > > I am having one of the worst days of my life. I had a session

> with

> > > my therapist this afternoon and as I was driving home it finally

> hit

> > > me that symbolically at least, for me, my mother is dead. I

> wrote to

> > > her and told her (after trying every way I knew to help her) that

> > > because of her BPD that I was divorcing myself from her and that

> I

> > > would no longer take her phone calls or read her e-mails or

> letters.

> > > Suddenly, I had this shocking feeling that it was over. That I

> knew

> > > how my husband must have felt the day he came home from work and

> > > discovered that his mother had died. In my case, the shock was

> the

> > > same even though I know she didn't physically die. I am in a

> state

> > > of disbelief. I have finally accepted that she is not going to

> > > change and that there is no hope and I don't have a mother

> anymore.

> > > Not that I ever had one in the real sense to begin with, which

> > > somehow makes it worse. I haven't stop crying for two hours and

> I

> > > don't feel like I'm going to stop anytime soon. I told my

> husband

> > > that she had robbed me of my childhood, my father, and my baby

> > > brother. After a while I started thinking. I have taken back

> most

> > > of my lost childhood and am progressing more and more every day.

> I

> > > have taken back my father. I stopped believing her lies and

> started

> > > seeing him for the person he really was and began to realize that

> > > while he certainly isn't perfect, he's a good man and he has been

> > > very supportive. To hear her talk about him, you would thing HE

> was

> > > the monster and for all of my childhood I thought he was. The

> part

> > > I'm still stuck on is my stillborn brother. My dad and I think

> she

> > > somehow sabotaged the pregnancy because the child wasn't his.

> She

> > > couldn't very well have EVIDENCE walking around of her

> infidelity,

> > > now could she. Anyway, ever since I was 7 or 8 yo, it has eaten

> at

> > > me. I want to find him and bring him here and give him a funeral

> and

> > > proper burial. He never got any of that when he died because my

> > > father couldn't afford to pay for it). I would also like to have

> a

> > > DNA test done to see if he and I have the same father if possible

> (he

> > > may have been cremated). My husband thinks I'm going too far with

> the

> > > baby brother thing and that I should let it go, because those

> things

> > > happen. His mother had a stillborn also before she had him and

> he

> > > doesn't even know (or care) where it is. I pointed out to him

> that

> > > his mother wasn't like mine, so there's no reason for anyone to

> > > question anything about the child. I don't completely understand

> > > why, except that I feel compelled (maybe obsessed is a better

> word)

> > > to find him, bring him here, give him a funeral and a proper

> burial

> > > and possibly a DNA test and autopsy. I don't want to do it to

> > > prosecute my mom. I don't even intend for her to find out about

> it.

> > > I just want to know if my heart is telling me the truth. All of

> my

> > > life I have been obsessed with this child and I just feel like

> doing

> > > this would undo the horror. I also think that it's my way of

> taking

> > > back the last thing I haven't been able to reclaim from her

> > > depravity. If it turns out that I'm wrong (which I REALLY doubt)

> > > then so be it. The better it is. But what if I'm right? I

> can't

> > > let go of that question and my husband thinks I should. Should

> I?

> > > Am I obsessing over something that I should let go of? Am I

> > > overreacting? I know I did the right thing in dealing with my

> mom,

> > > as painful as it is, but I just have this compulsion to undo the

> > > wrongs she has done, at least to the extent that I can. I wish

> with

> > > all my heart I could give him his life back, but short of that, I

> > > could at least give him the love and respect I feel he never got

> and

> > > that would somehow, if not make things right, at least make me

> feel

> > > like I win. Not that I necessarily see this as a competition,

> but it

> > > seems to me that by just letting it go that she can continue to

> hide

> > > her crimes and it just seems to me that SOMEONE should know the

> > > truth. What do you all think? Am I going to far with this?

> > >

> > > Tamy

[Guest guest]

> > > > I am having one of the worst days of my life. I had a

session

> > with

> > > > my therapist this afternoon and as I was driving home it

finally

> > hit

> > > > me that symbolically at least, for me, my mother is dead. I

> > wrote to

> > > > her and told her (after trying every way I knew to help her)

that

> > > > because of her BPD that I was divorcing myself from her and

that

> > I

> > > > would no longer take her phone calls or read her e-mails or

> > letters.

> > > > Suddenly, I had this shocking feeling that it was over. That

I

> > knew

> > > > how my husband must have felt the day he came home from work

and

> > > > discovered that his mother had died. In my case, the shock

was

> > the

> > > > same even though I know she didn't physically die. I am in a

> > state

> > > > of disbelief. I have finally accepted that she is not going

to

> > > > change and that there is no hope and I don't have a mother

> > anymore.

> > > > Not that I ever had one in the real sense to begin with,

which

> > > > somehow makes it worse. I haven't stop crying for two hours

and

> > I

> > > > don't feel like I'm going to stop anytime soon. I told my

> > husband

> > > > that she had robbed me of my childhood, my father, and my

baby

> > > > brother. After a while I started thinking. I have taken

back

> > most

> > > > of my lost childhood and am progressing more and more every

day.

> > I

> > > > have taken back my father. I stopped believing her lies and

> > started

> > > > seeing him for the person he really was and began to realize

that

> > > > while he certainly isn't perfect, he's a good man and he has

been

> > > > very supportive. To hear her talk about him, you would thing

HE

> > was

> > > > the monster and for all of my childhood I thought he was.

The

> > part

> > > > I'm still stuck on is my stillborn brother. My dad and I

think

> > she

> > > > somehow sabotaged the pregnancy because the child wasn't

his.

> > She

> > > > couldn't very well have EVIDENCE walking around of her

> > infidelity,

> > > > now could she. Anyway, ever since I was 7 or 8 yo, it has

eaten

> > at

> > > > me. I want to find him and bring him here and give him a

funeral

> > and

> > > > proper burial. He never got any of that when he died because

my

> > > > father couldn't afford to pay for it). I would also like to

have

> > a

> > > > DNA test done to see if he and I have the same father if

possible

> > (he

> > > > may have been cremated). My husband thinks I'm going too far

with

> > the

> > > > baby brother thing and that I should let it go, because those

> > things

> > > > happen. His mother had a stillborn also before she had him

and

> > he

> > > > doesn't even know (or care) where it is. I pointed out to

him

> > that

> > > > his mother wasn't like mine, so there's no reason for anyone

to

> > > > question anything about the child. I don't completely

understand

> > > > why, except that I feel compelled (maybe obsessed is a better

> > word)

> > > > to find him, bring him here, give him a funeral and a proper

> > burial

> > > > and possibly a DNA test and autopsy. I don't want to do it

to

> > > > prosecute my mom. I don't even intend for her to find out

about

> > it.

> > > > I just want to know if my heart is telling me the truth. All

of

> > my

> > > > life I have been obsessed with this child and I just feel

like

> > doing

> > > > this would undo the horror. I also think that it's my way of

> > taking

> > > > back the last thing I haven't been able to reclaim from her

> > > > depravity. If it turns out that I'm wrong (which I REALLY

doubt)

> > > > then so be it. The better it is. But what if I'm right? I

> > can't

> > > > let go of that question and my husband thinks I should.

Should

> > I?

> > > > Am I obsessing over something that I should let go of? Am I

> > > > overreacting? I know I did the right thing in dealing with

my

> > mom,

> > > > as painful as it is, but I just have this compulsion to undo

the

> > > > wrongs she has done, at least to the extent that I can. I

wish

> > with

> > > > all my heart I could give him his life back, but short of

that, I

> > > > could at least give him the love and respect I feel he never

got

> > and

> > > > that would somehow, if not make things right, at least make

me

> > feel

> > > > like I win. Not that I necessarily see this as a

competition,

> > but it

> > > > seems to me that by just letting it go that she can continue

to

> > hide

> > > > her crimes and it just seems to me that SOMEONE should know

the

> > > > truth. What do you all think? Am I going to far with this?

> > > >

> > > > Tamy

[Guest guest]

Tammy,

Oh yes - the crying. They say crying is a good thing - but sometimes

it doesn't feel good at all.

It is good that you know you are doing the right thing. I have so

much trouble staying clear about that.

And it's so very good that you have a loving and supportive husband.

Treasure him.

Yet - even with all that - grief is rough - and something that can

make you feel so alone - even when you are not.

Free

> I know what I'm going through will get better. I've read several

> posts on this site by people referring to a grief process, but I

> didn't understand it until monday night when it hit me like a

> sledgehammer! I still feel like shit and I wish didn't have to go

to

> work so I could just sit and cry, I really need to get this out of

my

> system. I'm not really having any issues with shame or silliness.

I

> KNOW I'm doing the right thing. But knowing that doesn't make it

> hurt any less. My husband is very supportive, as always, and for

> once, he REALLY understands. He came home one day to find that his

> mother was dead. I felt that same sense of shock on monday when I

> realized that to me, my mother was dead. It really freaks me out

to

> think that she has given me no other choice but to remove her from

my

> life. I knew going into it that it would probably turn out this

way,

> but I had hoped for a different outcome. It is the death of the

hope

> that hurts the most. There is no hope. She will never acknowledge

> my suffering or apologize. She will just keep telling me I

imagined

> it and using God and religion to further abuse me. That's why it

has

> to be this way. I have to take care of ME first, right? I too am

> glad for this sight. No one should have to deal with this alone.

I

> can't imagine where I would be if not for you guys. I get so much

> validation and it speeds up the process for me to know that what is

> happening to me has happened to others and that they survived with

> their souls still intact. Thanks so much for your concern. It

means

> a lot to me.

>

> Tammy

[Guest guest]

---

Free,

Thanks! Crying really sucks. It takes three days for the swelling

in my eyes to go down so I don't look like I just got hit by a truck!

Grief is a process, and that process has to be completed if we ever

want to source of our grief to go away. It sucks, but that's the way

it is. Still, I am thankful for the good in my life. I'm lucky that

there is more good than bad on most days, but oooohhhhhh, the bad

days are BAAAAADDDDDD!

Love and Blessings,

Tammy

In ModOasis , " free_spirit_etc " <free_spirit_etc@y...>

wrote:

> Tammy,

>

> Oh yes - the crying. They say crying is a good thing - but

sometimes

> it doesn't feel good at all.

>

> It is good that you know you are doing the right thing. I have so

> much trouble staying clear about that.

>

> And it's so very good that you have a loving and supportive

husband.

> Treasure him.

>

> Yet - even with all that - grief is rough - and something that can

> make you feel so alone - even when you are not.

>

> Free

>

>

>

> > I know what I'm going through will get better. I've read several

> > posts on this site by people referring to a grief process, but I

> > didn't understand it until monday night when it hit me like a

> > sledgehammer! I still feel like shit and I wish didn't have to

go

> to

> > work so I could just sit and cry, I really need to get this out

of

> my

> > system. I'm not really having any issues with shame or

silliness.

> I

> > KNOW I'm doing the right thing. But knowing that doesn't make it

> > hurt any less. My husband is very supportive, as always, and for

> > once, he REALLY understands. He came home one day to find that

his

> > mother was dead. I felt that same sense of shock on monday when

I

> > realized that to me, my mother was dead. It really freaks me out

> to

> > think that she has given me no other choice but to remove her

from

> my

> > life. I knew going into it that it would probably turn out this

> way,

> > but I had hoped for a different outcome. It is the death of the

> hope

> > that hurts the most. There is no hope. She will never

acknowledge

> > my suffering or apologize. She will just keep telling me I

> imagined

> > it and using God and religion to further abuse me. That's why it

> has

> > to be this way. I have to take care of ME first, right? I too

am

> > glad for this sight. No one should have to deal with this

alone.

> I

> > can't imagine where I would be if not for you guys. I get so

much

> > validation and it speeds up the process for me to know that what

is

> > happening to me has happened to others and that they survived

with

> > their souls still intact. Thanks so much for your concern. It

> means

> > a lot to me.

> >

> > Tammy