Ugh!

[Guest guest]

A little while back, a good friend asked me how I was doing and I

decided to just go ahead and tell her that I was suffering from flash-

backs from my rape at age 5, just because I'm tired of keeping quiet

about it to avoid making others uncomfortable. In fact, she was *so*

kind, she hugged me, and said, " I'm so sorry! " with such tenderness

and compassion.

Just tonight she was talking about her mother (she had a very good

mother), and I mentioned that my mother emotionally abused me. She

gave me a blank look, and without being mean or rude, simply didn't

know what to make of it and essentially just moved on in our

conversation.

I'm tired of this! My mother's abuse of me affected me a thousand

times more than the rape. Why do people not want to believe it, or

look at me dumbfounded. It makes me feel like they doubt it ever

happened (which was my fear for ages, because it's what my mom told

me).

I've realized after 13 years of marriage that my husband, who grew up

with a severely manic-depressed mother, simply didn't get the same

soul-scars that I got from my mom. Some people actually feel pretty

whole and complete, and unashamed to be alive, and pretty much have

hope and confidence, etc.

Someday I want to look someone in the eye, talk about my mom, or talk

about PTSD, etc, and have them really understand. This group has

been so wonderful for me (thank you all!), but looking at a real face

would have its benefits, too!

It's strange to think that my experience of life and of the world is

at such variance from so many other people. Hmm. Go figure. But,

in all honesty, I wouldn't change anything. I love my depth, my

sensitivity, my awareness, my compassion, my strength (etc), and I

know that I'd be just as shallow as so many other people if my life

had been easier. I feel like I'm the heroine in a great novel, and

I'm coming through amazing adversities, and in the end I'm considered

great because of what I've survived through. No one else may

understand the novel of my life, but I do (and I believe God does),

and that's enough for me. Even though I often feel that my soul is

still being raked over the coals, and I feel the distinct burn, most

of the time I feel other things, happier things, to the same depth

where the hurt once used to reside. I feel like a beautiful image

has been carved on my heart, and though it hurt in the process, now I

just love that picture so much that it was worth the pain of getting

it there. Does that make any sense? Probably not - it doesn't even

make much sense to me. But then again, most of my life hasn't made

much sense to me, either, so it's no surprise.

Kya-Amorita

[Guest guest]

Kya-Amorita,

It makes wonderful sense. You sound like you have done quite a

bit of healing. I am so happy for you. -

[Guest guest]

Hi!

I seldom post much anymore, but your post explained things perfectly!

i_am_forever_loved2000 wrote:

> in all honesty, I wouldn't change anything. I love my depth, my

> sensitivity, my awareness, my compassion, my strength (etc), and I

> know that I'd be just as shallow as so many other people if my life

> had been easier. I feel like I'm the heroine in a great novel, and

> I'm coming through amazing adversities, and in the end I'm considered

> great because of what I've survived through. No one else may

> understand the novel of my life, but I do (and I believe God does),

> and that's enough for me. Even though I often feel that my soul is

> still being raked over the coals, and I feel the distinct burn, most

> of the time I feel other things, happier things, to the same depth

> where the hurt once used to reside. I feel like a beautiful image

> has been carved on my heart, and though it hurt in the process, now I

> just love that picture so much that it was worth the pain of getting

> it there.

> Does that make any sense?

Absolutely Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! I know EXACTLY how you feel, what you

mean, everything!

I was at a restaurant with a friend after a Bridge game the other nite,

and there were a bunch of young people having a great time after work.

I so loved their innocence, gaiety and spontaneity. I caught myself

wishing I were young again......oops! No way! No way! No way!

Mother put me through hxll, and believe me, I don't ever want to go

through that again! But, I wouldn't trade any of the experience for all

the money, power and prestige in the world! Nope! I'm happy just the

way things are.

Mother wasn't a rose garden, so I cultivated the dandelions instead.

And they thrived in the crevices of my heart where nothing else grew.

Now I've got a rose garden, literally! I chuckle, because my gardener

wanted to plant roses in my backyard three years ago, and I wouldn't let

him. Last year I relented, and now I have lots of them. Amazing, the

synchronicity and symbolism!

Others may have had a " Leave It To Beaver " existence, and that's great!

I'm glad I didn't, because complacency isn't the stuff that makes

diamonds. Pressure does. I never would have chosen the hand I was

dealt, but now that I've made the best of it, and won, I'm glad I wasn't

given a choice.

Would I have said any of this three short years ago? Heck no! I was

crying in my beer back then!

Nothing is forever!

SmileS!

Carol

[Guest guest]

Carol,

I missed your posts. Glad all is well. -

[Guest guest]

Thanks, ! :-)

I guess one reaches a point in their progress along the path, where the

need to spill one's guts isn't a compulsion anymore. At least it isn't

for me now.

I derive a lot of satisfaction out of watching new people join the list

with eyes as wide as saucers. They spill out their guts in a mad

frenzy, then they gain some footing and finally calm down. And it

usually doesn't take long, maybe a few months. Are their problems

solved? No, but they've finally got a place to go for " sweet

validation " , the one thing that makes all the difference in the world.

Soon they can see the light at the end of the tunnel, even though

there's a lot of huge boulders to climb over and slime to crawl through.

Then more newbies join the list, and the former ones step up to the

plate and take the new ones under their wings. And the beat goes on.

It's wonderful!

Everyone on the list has made so much progress. When we're busy wading

through all the muck, it's difficult to see any progress, but it's there.

Hang in there, everyone! We KOs are the greatest people on earth! We

have a story to tell the world, and our day is coming!

SmileS!

Carol

wrote:

> Carol,

> I missed your posts. Glad all is well. -