Re: do I tell mom her husband died?

March 7, 2004

OOOO Boy! That is a tough one. I don't know how aware your mother is. I went

through the same agony, but ended up telling my Mom and then taking her to

the funeral. I'm not sure how much she understood, but I thought.... just in

case.. I would. Mom did well at the funeral, but I took her right back to

the NH afterward and had the nurses give her something to sleep. She asked

where Dad was several times and in fact still asks, but I tell her Dad is

tired and resting. She accepts that and that is the end of it for a while.

My Mom has no short-term memory at all. As soon as something is said and she

hears it.. it is gone from her memory. Mom was depressed for a long time

after that, but I'm sure she didn't know why. So Who knows what the correct

answer is. The best I can say is do what you feel in your heart is the right

thing.

Good Luck!

-Carol

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March 7, 2004

Hi,

This occurred with my parents not quite two years ago. My parents

were very close and my dad suddenly was placed in the intensive care

unit and we had to get care for my mother because none of us could

get to her fast enough and even after we got there we had to attend

to our dad. Can you consider a 24 hour caregiver temporarily to help

you with your mother? Is her husband your father? What at first I

overlooked was that my mother deserved to be part of the process and

visit my dad in the hospital. It was truly comforting to my father

and my mother was more aware than I anticipated she would be. She and

I have been able to speak about her visits and we were able to

prepare her for my father's death. My father wanted to be cremated so

we chose to return 6 weeks later for his memorial service, giving us

time to deal with all of our issues. During that time we maintained

24 hour care for Mom in her apartment so she could grieve and friends

could visit before we moved her 500 miles to live in a nh near me. As

the chaplain in the hospital explained to us, it was important that

Mom be included in the entire and we were amazed by her. I keep

pitures of Dad in her room where she can see them and when she asks

about him I reply, " We wish he was here, don't we, Mom. " and then she

remembers that he has died. --- I speak lovingly about him with her

and she replies that she misses him and then she moves on to another

subject.

Take Care - Deb LBDcaregivers , " warshaw714 "

<ACBeachbum@h...> wrote:

> My question may be the oddest one of the day but I think you are

the only

> ones who can even possible understand it.

>

> My mom who has middle stage LBD came to stay with me when her

husband

> (of 45 yrs) was hospitalized. She has been with me a month. She

thinks it's

> only been one or two days. She asks about her husband a couple of

times a

> week but then doesn't bring it up. She doesn't ask when she is

going home.

>

> I live 4 hrs from them. Looks like he isn't going to make it. So,

now what...

> When he dies, do I tell her? When he dies she has to stay with me

& I don't

> know if I can handle taking her to his funeral etc. several hrs

away. I am soo

> drained from having her as it is.

>

> Has anyone ever just not told their parent?

March 7, 2004

This is a really tough situation. Some may totally disagree with me,

but I think you should tell your Mom when you can can get her in a

moment of clarity. She is asking about him, so I dont think she is

THAT far gone that you just shouldnt bother. I would also offer to

take her to the funeral if she would like to go. Somehow, to me it

just seems " wrong " to hide it from her. Give her the respect/dignity

of being treated as you would treat her if she did not have LBD. If

you dont it may come back to haunt you later. Just my opinion, but

of course you make the final decision. Good luck and let us know how

it goes.

Hugs & prayers, Coyote

> My question may be the oddest one of the day but I think you are

the only

> ones who can even possible understand it.

>

> My mom who has middle stage LBD came to stay with me when her

husband

> (of 45 yrs) was hospitalized. She has been with me a month. She

thinks it's

> only been one or two days. She asks about her husband a couple of

times a

> week but then doesn't bring it up. She doesn't ask when she is

going home.

>

> I live 4 hrs from them. Looks like he isn't going to make it. So,

now what...

> When he dies, do I tell her? When he dies she has to stay with me

& I don't

> know if I can handle taking her to his funeral etc. several hrs

away. I am soo

> drained from having her as it is.

>

> Has anyone ever just not told their parent?

March 7, 2004

I know it's tiring, but I can't imagine you not taking her. She needs to know,

it's unfair to not. She might not realize what is going on, but on some level

she might. If it were me, I would definitely take her. This is not about you

in this case.

My question may be the oddest one of the day but I think you are the only

ones who can even possible understand it.

My mom who has middle stage LBD came to stay with me when her husband

(of 45 yrs) was hospitalized. She has been with me a month. She thinks it's

only been one or two days. She asks about her husband a couple of times a

week but then doesn't bring it up. She doesn't ask when she is going home.

I live 4 hrs from them. Looks like he isn't going to make it. So, now what...

When he dies, do I tell her? When he dies she has to stay with me & I don't

know if I can handle taking her to his funeral etc. several hrs away. I am

soo

drained from having her as it is.

Has anyone ever just not told their parent?

Welcome to LBDcaregivers.

March 7, 2004

My brother died of colon cancer last May. I talked about it with Dad

a couple of times. Sometimes he seemed to understand...sometimes not.

We took him to the memorial service with lots of pictures of my

brother. At the end of the service, he was very shaken and upset,

however after a while, he seemed not to remember what had happened or

why all the family was around. At Christmas this past year he wanted

to know what we were getting my brother for Christmas. At that point

in time, I think I made something up and let it go. He was satisfied

for the time being and did not mention it again. Maybe he knew, maybe

not...I couldn't tell. Keeping all of our conversations around him

guarded seemed to be too hard....especially when the rest of the

family was hurting. I know that it is not quite the same as a

husband, but how hard will it be for the family to " keep " the secret?

Lynn

> OOOO Boy! That is a tough one. I don't know how aware your mother

is. I went

> through the same agony, but ended up telling my Mom and then taking

her to

> the funeral. I'm not sure how much she understood, but I

thought.... just in

> case.. I would. Mom did well at the funeral, but I took her right

back to

> the NH afterward and had the nurses give her something to sleep.

She asked

> where Dad was several times and in fact still asks, but I tell her

Dad is

> tired and resting. She accepts that and that is the end of it for a

while.

> My Mom has no short-term memory at all. As soon as something is

said and she

> hears it.. it is gone from her memory. Mom was depressed for a long

time

> after that, but I'm sure she didn't know why. So Who knows what the

correct

> answer is. The best I can say is do what you feel in your heart is

the right

> thing.

>

> Good Luck!

> -Carol

>

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March 7, 2004

My mother's two older brothers passes away within a month of each other.

while my father did tell my mother she couldn't grasp this information for

long. We did not take my mother to the funeral. I was afraid of what it

might do to mom. Our choosing not to take her was all about mom. I believe