Alone- but Happy, Free and Safe!

[Guest guest]

Dear Mods:

I don't post very much anymore, but have received great support on this board

for a little over 2 years, when I first learned that I was a KO with a

NPD/BPD nada, fada, middle sibling and youngest sibling who is bipolar and in

denial. This post is my holiday $.02 (two cents), for I have come a long, long

way

and I have a lot of gratitude that I want to share. This is a bit of my

story.

Two years ago I made the decision to call protective services for my nephews,

due to abusive behavior, in particular annihilating rage blasted upon them

from my BPD sister, culminating in an assault on my oldest nephew on Christmas

day, two years ago. In the aftermath I have been disowned, ostracized, shut

out and accused of being jealous, mentally ill, not knowing what I am talking

about etc from my BPD mother.

There have been times when I have questioned my own sanity, because the loss

of my nephews in my life has been devastating. And I wonder how I could do

such a terrible thing to my sister, and how I could do something that would

terminate my relationship with my nephews? How could I be so cold and cruel?

Of

course I do not deserve to have a life of my own and my sister has done

everything for me (threatened to destroy cherished belongings, destroyed

cherished

belongings, told lies about me, told everyone I was gay, verbally assaulted

and abused me, plotted with my mother to seperate me from a man who loved me)

and she loves me etc etc, all this my mother's spin. And it gets to me

sometimes. But then the fog clears, I know that I just could not take it

anymore,

and I did not want what happened to me to happen to my nephews.

Several months ago, a miracle happened and I got a job offer to move to a

nice, warm sunny state and I have been out of the path, physically and

emotionally from my FOO for almost 9 months. And while still plagued with the

FOG

sometimes, I am sooooooo much better. I have hope again. I have dreams. I am

doing well at work. I am losing weight and exercising. I've been getting back

on track, and learning to love myself without being blamed for everything,

accused, judged, manipulated, assaulted, threatened. My life with this

particular

sibling had been a living hell, and I had nothing left of me when I made that

phone call a couple of years back. I was a wounded, terrorized shell of a

human being.

Now it is a new year, almost, and while I'm alone this holiday, no real

family to speak of, I have my 12 step group and a couple of little invitations

and

I will be just fine, and finally, after such a long struggle, I am happy to

be free and safe and not drawn in to all that horror anymore. I got away!

And I know that even though the rafters still shake with the negative

bombardment from the FOO, there is someone out there who is saying " Good for

her, she

finally got away from them "

I know now, looking back and seeing myself in my mind at grade school, and at

church, in the neighborhood, like a video clip of my early life, that some

people knew that things weren't right in the __________ (last name) house. We

were one of those families who looked right on the outside, but just didn't

blend, just didn't connect socially, because my NPD/BPD nada and fada mother

kept

everyone out, and locked us all in. " What do you want to have her over for?

She's just using you. " is what I remember hearing when I had a friend. No

one was ever good enough, or right enough, and everyone in the world was all

wrong, but we, the family, were perfect. What a crock!

I struggle myself with that behavioral dynamic, of locking myself in, and

shutting others out, because to not do so is against my BPD mother and thus,

completely taboo. But I inch out the door, and coax myself with the

encouragements that I imagine a good parent would say and I am getting better.

I envision

a day when I will have no fear about living a good life, when I will not be

traumatized by the terror that if I love something it will be taken away, which

is what always happened when I was connected with my FOO. I have learned to

protect my treasures. Sometimes wish it wasn't true, that I have to protect my

treasures from my own family. There is still apart that wants to believe that

I did have the happy family that I was brainwashed to believe I had as a

child, and taking off the blinders has been painful, but there is such a peace

about knowing and living your own truth.

It isn't my fault. I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control

it, and I don't have to let it beat me down anymore. Thanks so much for

letting me share and best wishes to all of the KOs here who bravely wake up and

face

every new day and slay the dragons of not good enough, never will be

invisibility. We are here, and we have a chance today!

Love, Jill

[Guest guest]

ahh, a true nonBP christmas story with a happy ending. I've been through the

same thing-- hopefully, one day your nephews will look back at the courage of

their aunt and feel good knowing that at least one person was on their side or

saw their situation for what it is. tiki

Alone- but Happy, Free and Safe!

Dear Mods:

I don't post very much anymore, but have received great support on this board

for a little over 2 years, when I first learned that I was a KO with a

NPD/BPD nada, fada, middle sibling and youngest sibling who is bipolar and in

denial. This post is my holiday $.02 (two cents), for I have come a long,

long way

and I have a lot of gratitude that I want to share. This is a bit of my

story.

Two years ago I made the decision to call protective services for my nephews,

due to abusive behavior, in particular annihilating rage blasted upon them

from my BPD sister, culminating in an assault on my oldest nephew on Christmas

day, two years ago. In the aftermath I have been disowned, ostracized, shut

out and accused of being jealous, mentally ill, not knowing what I am talking

about etc from my BPD mother.

There have been times when I have questioned my own sanity, because the loss

of my nephews in my life has been devastating. And I wonder how I could do

such a terrible thing to my sister, and how I could do something that would

terminate my relationship with my nephews? How could I be so cold and cruel?

Of

course I do not deserve to have a life of my own and my sister has done

everything for me (threatened to destroy cherished belongings, destroyed

cherished

belongings, told lies about me, told everyone I was gay, verbally assaulted

and abused me, plotted with my mother to seperate me from a man who loved me)

and she loves me etc etc, all this my mother's spin. And it gets to me

sometimes. But then the fog clears, I know that I just could not take it

anymore,

and I did not want what happened to me to happen to my nephews.

Several months ago, a miracle happened and I got a job offer to move to a

nice, warm sunny state and I have been out of the path, physically and

emotionally from my FOO for almost 9 months. And while still plagued with the

FOG

sometimes, I am sooooooo much better. I have hope again. I have dreams. I

am

doing well at work. I am losing weight and exercising. I've been getting

back

on track, and learning to love myself without being blamed for everything,

accused, judged, manipulated, assaulted, threatened. My life with this

particular

sibling had been a living hell, and I had nothing left of me when I made that

phone call a couple of years back. I was a wounded, terrorized shell of a

human being.

Now it is a new year, almost, and while I'm alone this holiday, no real

family to speak of, I have my 12 step group and a couple of little

invitations and

I will be just fine, and finally, after such a long struggle, I am happy to

be free and safe and not drawn in to all that horror anymore. I got away!

And I know that even though the rafters still shake with the negative

bombardment from the FOO, there is someone out there who is saying " Good for

her, she

finally got away from them "

I know now, looking back and seeing myself in my mind at grade school, and at

church, in the neighborhood, like a video clip of my early life, that some

people knew that things weren't right in the __________ (last name) house. We

were one of those families who looked right on the outside, but just didn't

blend, just didn't connect socially, because my NPD/BPD nada and fada mother

kept

everyone out, and locked us all in. " What do you want to have her over for?

She's just using you. " is what I remember hearing when I had a friend. No

one was ever good enough, or right enough, and everyone in the world was all

wrong, but we, the family, were perfect. What a crock!

I struggle myself with that behavioral dynamic, of locking myself in, and

shutting others out, because to not do so is against my BPD mother and thus,

completely taboo. But I inch out the door, and coax myself with the

encouragements that I imagine a good parent would say and I am getting better.

I envision

a day when I will have no fear about living a good life, when I will not be

traumatized by the terror that if I love something it will be taken away,

which

is what always happened when I was connected with my FOO. I have learned to

protect my treasures. Sometimes wish it wasn't true, that I have to protect my

treasures from my own family. There is still apart that wants to believe that

I did have the happy family that I was brainwashed to believe I had as a

child, and taking off the blinders has been painful, but there is such a peace

about knowing and living your own truth.

It isn't my fault. I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control

it, and I don't have to let it beat me down anymore. Thanks so much for

letting me share and best wishes to all of the KOs here who bravely wake up

and face

every new day and slay the dragons of not good enough, never will be

invisibility. We are here, and we have a chance today!

Love, Jill