Guest guest Posted January 11, 2004 Report Share Posted January 11, 2004 Hello! I'm reading the book SAFE PEOPLE by Cloud and Townsend, the authors of BOUNDARIES and wanted to share a few things with you. The book isn't specifically about borderlines, but is entirely relevant. The book focuses on the damage that can occur in unsafe relationships and how we can choose " safe people " to be in relationships with and heal through. I am also in the process of realizing what other unsafe patterns and relationships (of a lesser extreme I have found myself involved in). The 20 traits of unsafe people Unsafe people… 1. think they " have it all together " instead of admitting their weaknesses. 2. are religious instead of spiritual. 3. are defensive instead of being open to feedback. 4. are self-righteous instead of humble. 5. only apologize instead of changing behavior (my nada has never even apologized!) 6. avoid working on their problems instead of dealing with them. 7. believe they are perfect instead of admitting their faults. 8. blame others instead of taking responsibility. 9. lie instead of telling the truth. 10. are stagnant instead of growing. 11. avoid closeness instead of connecting. 12. are only concerned about " I " instead of " we. " 13. resist freedom instead of encouraging it. 14. flatter us instead of confronting us. (I don't think I can relate much to flattery either). 15. condemn us instead of forgiving us. 16. stay in parent/child roles instead of dealing with us as equals. 17. are instable over time. 18. are a negative influence on us, rather than a positive. 19. gossip instead of keeping secrets 20. demand trust instead of earning it. The book discusses some of the effects of being in long-term unsafe relationships, such as always being the giver in relationships, choosing people who invariably let you down, lapses in concentration, chronic headaches, and gastrointestinal problems to name a few. I was also intrigued with the discussion of the elements that can keep us in unsafe relationships, such as, our need to rescue, defensive hope, fear of confrontation, familiarity, guilt, perfectionism, inability to judge character, taking on the victim role, and denial of our own perceptions. Blessings, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 11, 2004 Report Share Posted January 11, 2004 Hmm sounds like I might need to pick up a copy of this... thanks for posting, I just added " Safe People " to my Amazon.com Wish List. > Hello! > I'm reading the book SAFE PEOPLE by Cloud and Townsend, the authors > of BOUNDARIES and wanted to share a few things with you. The book > isn't specifically about borderlines, but is entirely relevant. The > book focuses on the damage that can occur in unsafe relationships and > how we can choose " safe people " to be in relationships with and heal > through. I am also in the process of realizing what other unsafe > patterns and relationships (of a lesser extreme I have found myself > involved in). > > The 20 traits of unsafe people > Unsafe people… > 1. think they " have it all together " instead of admitting their > weaknesses. > 2. are religious instead of spiritual. > 3. are defensive instead of being open to feedback. > 4. are self-righteous instead of humble. > 5. only apologize instead of changing behavior (my nada has > never even apologized!) > 6. avoid working on their problems instead of dealing with them. > 7. believe they are perfect instead of admitting their faults. > 8. blame others instead of taking responsibility. > 9. lie instead of telling the truth. > 10. are stagnant instead of growing. > 11. avoid closeness instead of connecting. > 12. are only concerned about " I " instead of " we. " > 13. resist freedom instead of encouraging it. > 14. flatter us instead of confronting us. (I don't think I can > relate much to flattery either). > 15. condemn us instead of forgiving us. > 16. stay in parent/child roles instead of dealing with us as > equals. > 17. are instable over time. > 18. are a negative influence on us, rather than a positive. > 19. gossip instead of keeping secrets > 20. demand trust instead of earning it. > > The book discusses some of the effects of being in long-term unsafe > relationships, such as always being the giver in relationships, > choosing people who invariably let you down, lapses in concentration, > chronic headaches, and gastrointestinal problems to name a few. I was > also intrigued with the discussion of the elements that can keep us > in unsafe relationships, such as, our need to rescue, defensive hope, > fear of confrontation, familiarity, guilt, perfectionism, inability > to judge character, taking on the victim role, and denial of our own > perceptions. > > Blessings, > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 12, 2004 Report Share Posted January 12, 2004 Thanks for posting this, ! What a fantastic resource for KOs, whose self-protective instincts are usually so damaged by the double-think from our Nadas and Fadas. When your brain pathways are forming, being given the message that " this is what taking care of you and keeping your safe looks like " , when in fact you are being used, abused, shamed, and put at risk....that messes up the " reflexes " for taking care of and protecting ourselves. I think that this list (and the book, which I have already requested from the library!) can help us in reclaiming our expectation to feel safe around people, to become sensitized when it is violated, and allow ourselves to take action. All of these healthy self-protective feelings and actions may feel dangerous to KOs, because in our childhoods they would likely have triggered an abusive backlash by our BP parents. Hugs, > Hello! > I'm reading the book SAFE PEOPLE by Cloud and Townsend... <<SNIP>> > The 20 traits of unsafe people... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 12, 2004 Report Share Posted January 12, 2004 Hey there, As I mentioned before, Cloud and Townsend wrote BOUNDARIES (which was actually the text that started my journey towards independence). Other excellent books by these authors that are relevant are THE MOM FACTOR (the controlling Mom especially), and CHANGES THAT HEAL. These guys are psychologists and much of their subject matter seems to fit BPD (though they never label anything). Their writing has a strong current of Christianity in it as well. Just so ya know before you check them out. I think that even if you are not a Christian, there is fabulous advice about rebuilding relationships and healing, but I thought it would be fair to inform you fully! Blessings, > > Hello! > > I'm reading the book SAFE PEOPLE by Cloud and Townsend... > <<SNIP>> > > > The 20 traits of unsafe people... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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