Guest guest Posted January 11, 2004 Report Share Posted January 11, 2004 I am reading a long difficult book, " La bête humaine " by Emile Zola. It is about child abuse, murder, infidelity, and I am not even sure where it is heading yet. Some scenes make me stop reading and go away and cry. All of a sudden I saw myself in the story, as the man and his wife who murdered a child molester. I am wondering, is my lifelong desire to become an amputee a displaced desire to murder my mother? Something too frightening to imagine, so I turned it inward against my own body? The description of the intensity of the murderer's feeling is similar to my amputee feeling. Except, I don't feel hatred against my leg. I just feel yearning, love and acceptance of myself, on condition that I won't have two legs any more. I am testing these ideas and feelings as I read the book. I also realize that I am nowhere near ready to visit my parents. - Dan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 11, 2004 Report Share Posted January 11, 2004 OMG Dan! Reading your post gave me goosebumps. I have also heard them called " truth bumps " because you get them when you experience the truth. Free > I am reading a long difficult book, " La bête humaine " by Emile Zola. > It is about child abuse, murder, infidelity, and I am not even sure > where it is heading yet. Some scenes make me stop reading and go > away and cry. > > All of a sudden I saw myself in the story, as the man and his wife > who murdered a child molester. I am wondering, is my lifelong desire > to become an amputee a displaced desire to murder my mother? > Something too frightening to imagine, so I turned it inward against > my own body? The description of the intensity of the murderer's > feeling is similar to my amputee feeling. Except, I don't feel > hatred against my leg. I just feel yearning, love and acceptance of > myself, on condition that I won't have two legs any more. > > I am testing these ideas and feelings as I read the book. I also > realize that I am nowhere near ready to visit my parents. > > - Dan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 12, 2004 Report Share Posted January 12, 2004 Dan, If it's ringing true to _you_ then run with it - especially to therapy. If it feels like a lightbulb moment then it is. For what it's worth, what you're thinking sounds compatible with what I studied of Klienian psychoanalysis last year. Good luck, AHS > I am reading a long difficult book, " La bête humaine " by Emile Zola. > It is about child abuse, murder, infidelity, and I am not even sure > where it is heading yet. Some scenes make me stop reading and go > away and cry. > > All of a sudden I saw myself in the story, as the man and his wife > who murdered a child molester. I am wondering, is my lifelong desire > to become an amputee a displaced desire to murder my mother? > Something too frightening to imagine, so I turned it inward against > my own body? The description of the intensity of the murderer's > feeling is similar to my amputee feeling. Except, I don't feel > hatred against my leg. I just feel yearning, love and acceptance of > myself, on condition that I won't have two legs any more. > > I am testing these ideas and feelings as I read the book. I also > realize that I am nowhere near ready to visit my parents. > > - Dan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2004 Report Share Posted January 16, 2004 >Dan, Interesting. I think you may be onto something. If I remember correctly, in some of your posts, you've mentioned unpleasant memories going back as far as the age of 4. I think I also remember you saying your desire to become an amputee started around age 5. Children have 'magical thinking' at that age. A small child who wants to kill their mother could easily turn the desire against himself in a 'magical thinking' way to avoid thinking the unthinkable. (does that make sense?) Killing your mother was unacceptable to you, which may be why being an amputee IS acceptable to you. It is the lesser of two evils. Makes sense to me. Tammy I am reading a long difficult book, " La bête humaine " by Emile Zola. > It is about child abuse, murder, infidelity, and I am not even sure > where it is heading yet. Some scenes make me stop reading and go > away and cry. > > All of a sudden I saw myself in the story, as the man and his wife > who murdered a child molester. I am wondering, is my lifelong desire > to become an amputee a displaced desire to murder my mother? > Something too frightening to imagine, so I turned it inward against > my own body? The description of the intensity of the murderer's > feeling is similar to my amputee feeling. Except, I don't feel > hatred against my leg. I just feel yearning, love and acceptance of > myself, on condition that I won't have two legs any more. > > I am testing these ideas and feelings as I read the book. I also > realize that I am nowhere near ready to visit my parents. > > - Dan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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