Re: Does Anyone Feel This Way?

[Guest guest]

I often feel the same way, very isolated. I have to force myself to reach

out. I also feel that I can't trust or have intimacy with a lot of people. I

think that is one type of KO experience. I understand that adult children of

alcoholics also feel this way. Anyway you are not alone,.

[Guest guest]

Yes. I feel the same way too. I had close friends through childhood

and spent a lot of time at their homes, but I never felt connected to

their familiies, I knew I was an outsider and yet I never felt a deep

connection to my family either. I felt connected through the

craziness but not a normal family feeling. I have always gone through

periods where I take a few months off from work every 4 or 5 years

just to be alone and I dont want to be around a bunch of people and

yet I am friendly, open and outgoing with people. I am not stressed

around others, but sometimes they exhaust me, and small talk REALLY

exhausts me. I can only take being in the workforce/world for so long

until I just want some time alone! All my siblings are like this too.

So, I don't connect deeply with people although I can talk about

anything easily, emotionally, I still distant. I don't know what it

is either, except maybe I didn't learn it and I don't trust others. I

agree..<sigh> BUT, you're not alone in your isolation (so to speak)

> Very Isolated. I don't know why I feel this way. It's not that I

am shy,

> quite the contrary. I don't feel uncomfortable with people, as in

paranoia.

> However, I do feel that most people have an adgenda of whatever

sort. I do feel

> sort of empty inside, relationally speaking.

>

> I don't feel that people fit comfortable pockets in my life, like

there's

> some barrier between me and them that doesn't allow for that. Yet

I look around

> myself and people are together much more than I am around anyone.

>

> There's a misfunction somewhere and I can't place where it's coming

from.

> Sometimes I feel that it's my thoughts preventing this but I don't

know what

> thoughts they are. I know it sounds totally incongruent but that

is the

> experience I have now and have had. I haven't felt anbsolutely

congruent with someone

> since I was in grade school. Is it that I thought life was going

to be like

> it was before? If I didn't have a mother, I had true friends. But

that was

> long ago.

>

> The few people that I say trust, I still find that there is a

barrier of some

> sort. I think maybe my trust factor has gone. Even though I act

it by

> having conversation with someone, I truly don't think I trust that

anyone truly

> wants me is the most honest way I can say this. And the ones who

do, I really

> don't believe it to heart, although I know it be intelligence.

That's sad. Is

> this what it's like living as a KO?

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Without a doubt I feel this way. I think I isolate myself, tho,

because of feeling unworthy of anyone's time.

As I go thru this divorce process, I have had to rely on friends to

hear my woeful tale. This is very difficult for me. However, I do

need validation from somewhere regarding the behavior of my spouse.

And the closest to me are my kids and they should not be the source

of that validation. So, I have bit the bullet and have been talking

to friends.

What a surprise!! They could not be more supportive.

About 2 years ago, my therapist and I worked on letting people into

my life. It was not easy and I let only 2 or 3 in at first. But it

has been well worth it. However, I always keep in the back of my

mind that at any moment, I could lose these friends. A definite

throw back to childhood experiences within my family.

This evening I spoke to my aunt. She told me that my uncle (her

brother & my mother's brother) said that I used to have a lot of

problems. This bothered me that he said that. She answered him " Oh,

please, the only problem she had was that mother of hers " . That made

me feel somewhat better.

And she also told me that as early as 3 years old I used to bang my

head against the wall. And nada took me to the hospital and they

told her there was nothing wrong with me. This disturbed me too.

Brought back those old feelings that maybe I am just crazy and always

have been. It left me uneasy all night. Was I just crazy or did nada

unleash her wrath on me as early as 3? Either way, I don't like how

it makes me feel. Luckily, I see therapist tomorrow to sort that one

out.

So to answer your question..yes I do feel isolated at times. I think

we KO's have been fed a line of bull that the same character flaws

found in non-KO people, when found in us, make us feel very

unloveable . And that feeling of unworthiness came straight from the

person we trusted most as a child...nada.

Elyse

Thatsheis@a... wrote:

> Very Isolated. I don't know why I feel this way. It's not that I

am shy,

> quite the contrary. I don't feel uncomfortable with people, as in

paranoia.

> However, I do feel that most people have an adgenda of whatever

sort. I do feel

> sort of empty inside, relationally speaking.

>

> I don't feel that people fit comfortable pockets in my life, like

there's

> some barrier between me and them that doesn't allow for that. Yet

I look around

> myself and people are together much more than I am around anyone.

>

> There's a misfunction somewhere and I can't place where it's coming

from.

> Sometimes I feel that it's my thoughts preventing this but I don't

know what

> thoughts they are. I know it sounds totally incongruent but that

is the

> experience I have now and have had. I haven't felt anbsolutely

congruent with someone

> since I was in grade school. Is it that I thought life was going

to be like

> it was before? If I didn't have a mother, I had true friends. But

that was

> long ago.

>

> The few people that I say trust, I still find that there is a

barrier of some

> sort. I think maybe my trust factor has gone. Even though I act

it by

> having conversation with someone, I truly don't think I trust that

anyone truly

> wants me is the most honest way I can say this. And the ones who

do, I really

> don't believe it to heart, although I know it be intelligence.

That's sad. Is

> this what it's like living as a KO?

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I was usually the lost child in my large foo, so I'm a master of blending

in. Most people don't even realize I'm there. My boundaries are so thick,

no one can get through. I don't know how it fits in, but small talk really

irritates me as well.

>

> Yes. I feel the same way too. I had close friends through childhood

> and spent a lot of time at their homes, but I never felt connected to

> their familiies, I knew I was an outsider and yet I never felt a deep

> connection to my family either. I felt connected through the

> craziness but not a normal family feeling. I have always gone through

> periods where I take a few months off from work every 4 or 5 years

> just to be alone and I dont want to be around a bunch of people and

> yet I am friendly, open and outgoing with people. I am not stressed

> around others, but sometimes they exhaust me, and small talk REALLY

> exhausts me. I can only take being in the workforce/world for so long

> until I just want some time alone! All my siblings are like this too.

> So, I don't connect deeply with people although I can talk about

> anything easily, emotionally, I still distant. I don't know what it

> is either, except maybe I didn't learn it and I don't trust others. I

> agree..<sigh> BUT, you're not alone in your isolation (so to speak)

>

[Guest guest]

> And she also told me that as early as 3 years old I used to bang my

> head against the wall. And nada took me to the hospital and they

> told her there was nothing wrong with me. This disturbed me too.

Elyse,

I have a friend who has suffered from migraines all her life and as a

child used to bang her head against the wall to get relief. She also

would find dark places such as closets to lie down in order to feel

better. Just thought I would mention that. -

[Guest guest]

,

your post interests me because you say small talk exhausts you. I

thought I was a weirdo cause I felt the same way for most of my life.

I don't know/am not willing to small talk. I used to be proud of

that - " I only think about the big issues! Who are we? Where am I

going?!?! " But now I tend to see it as a continuation of primary

developmental milestones that I didn't solidify in my FOO.

Do you do better with the deeper conversations?

-- sraddha

> > Very Isolated. I don't know why I feel this way. It's not that

I

> am shy,

> > quite the contrary. I don't feel uncomfortable with people, as

in

> paranoia.

> > However, I do feel that most people have an adgenda of whatever

> sort. I do feel

> > sort of empty inside, relationally speaking.

> >

> > I don't feel that people fit comfortable pockets in my life, like

> there's

> > some barrier between me and them that doesn't allow for that.

Yet

> I look around

> > myself and people are together much more than I am around

anyone.

> >

> > There's a misfunction somewhere and I can't place where it's

coming

> from.

> > Sometimes I feel that it's my thoughts preventing this but I

don't

> know what

> > thoughts they are. I know it sounds totally incongruent but that

> is the

> > experience I have now and have had. I haven't felt anbsolutely

> congruent with someone

> > since I was in grade school. Is it that I thought life was going

> to be like

> > it was before? If I didn't have a mother, I had true friends.

But

> that was

> > long ago.

> >

> > The few people that I say trust, I still find that there is a

> barrier of some

> > sort. I think maybe my trust factor has gone. Even though I act

> it by

> > having conversation with someone, I truly don't think I trust

that

> anyone truly

> > wants me is the most honest way I can say this. And the ones who

> do, I really

> > don't believe it to heart, although I know it be intelligence.

> That's sad. Is

> > this what it's like living as a KO?

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

sraddha,

I can't do small talk. When I am around it I feel like there are

ants under my skin.

I would rather talk about the " big issues " . Most people can't

tolerate that. When, rarely, I find someone who can, it is great. I

really do better in that case.

The worst thing is if I want to talk about the " big issues " and

somebody tells me that they don't want to hear about it, that I

shouldn't talk like that. Then I feel completely devalued. This is

what happened to me repeatedly when I visited the USA this summer,

and it left me a nervous wreck for some weeks. It is the dumbing-

down of society.

Frenchmen talk about problems at length, figure out what should be

done, and then do nothing. Americans do something without ever

thinking of the consequences, and it is like a crime to discuss in

advance what might actually help the problem. If each could adopt

the best of the other's culture it would be a better world.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

We all agree that small talk is difficult and boring. Me too. but maybe

it's not a KO thing maybe it's a smart person thing. Since moving south most of

my friends want to talk kids, recipes and gossip and I can't take too much of

it at one time. I finally met a Canadian woman who wants to talk about

politics and economics. what a pleasure.

[Guest guest]

> We all agree that small talk is difficult and boring. Me too. but

> maybe it's not a KO thing maybe it's a smart person thing. Since

> moving south most of my friends want to talk kids, recipes and

> gossip and I can't take too much of it at one time. I finally met

> a Canadian woman who wants to talk about politics and economics.

> what a pleasure.

hmm.. I know that wasn't meant to imply that someone who enjoys

small talk isn't a smart person, right? There were a couple of us

who didn't agree that it was difficult or boring. (And probably a

few more of us who are from the south.) I think it's nice to be able

to relate to people, even if it's on a simple, superficial " how's the

weather " sort of way. I also consider myself to be a relatively

smart person who couldn't be less interested in politics or

economics. I also don't cook or have any recipes, kids or any gossip

to spread. I still seem to be able to find something at least

moderately interesting to chat about with most people. Just my 2

cents as usual!

[Guest guest]

,

Well said again...and thank you. There is something to be said for

those who can carry on a conversation..even if it's only " small

talk " , to some, but considered polite to others. I am often put in a

situation where small talk is very appropriate...if others would

think of those situations as well...I think they would notice they

too..have the ability to " small talk " . Think of times you talk to

the grocery attendant, newspaper person, unknown person on the street

or in a work situation. We all love to have deep conversations...but

I found only with those that REALLY want that also.

and I'm not even from the south!

Bonita

> > We all agree that small talk is difficult and boring. Me too.

but

> > maybe it's not a KO thing maybe it's a smart person thing. Since

> > moving south most of my friends want to talk kids, recipes and

> > gossip and I can't take too much of it at one time. I finally

met

> > a Canadian woman who wants to talk about politics and economics.

> > what a pleasure.

>

> hmm.. I know that wasn't meant to imply that someone who enjoys

> small talk isn't a smart person, right? There were a couple of us

> who didn't agree that it was difficult or boring. (And probably a

> few more of us who are from the south.) I think it's nice to be

able

> to relate to people, even if it's on a simple, superficial " how's

the

> weather " sort of way. I also consider myself to be a relatively

> smart person who couldn't be less interested in politics or

> economics. I also don't cook or have any recipes, kids or any

gossip

> to spread. I still seem to be able to find something at least

> moderately interesting to chat about with most people. Just my 2

> cents as usual!