Guest guest Posted January 30, 2004 Report Share Posted January 30, 2004 Hi , I'm also wishing your mother will find the strength she needs. Your present is my future if my dad goes first, as my dad as well has been slave to my mom for over 50 years... Her only plan for the eventuality of him dying first is to die quickly herself. Since that usually can't be brought on by wishing....i dunno! Best hope for optimal outcome, BabaClay At 01:42 PM 1/30/2004, you wrote: >After my sis' vague email about my mother " not doing so well " and my >asking for more info and she never responding, I get a call from my >neice telling me that my mother fell down and hurt herself and can't >get around so well but refuses to see a doctor. My sis called my >other sis who called her daughter to tell me. They are punishing me >for not doing everything like I used to. I know my siblings expect me >to go to her rescue even after no contact for almost a year. I am not >going. She needs to go to a doctor. My mother still doesn't want >to " go on " since my dad died 2 years ago and that has not changed. >What a mess. The truth is that nobody wants to deal with it, with >her. It is an endlessly, hopelessly frustrating mess. My father >absorbed her pain and anger for almost 50 years. She controlled him >completely and I knew even as a child that if he died first she would >fall apart. She tried to replace him with me and my sis until I >left. This is where her bp really is evident. She cannot cope. Her >greatest fear of abandonment has been realized and she is emotionally >spinning out of control. Nobody can really help her except herself. >It is like watching a boat sink and there are two choices: jump >aboard and sink with it or watch it sink and save yourself. We KO's >have tough, shitty decisions to make!! They are hard and I am a >compassionate person but I cannot sacrifice myself again. So I am not >calling her. I lit a candle this afternoon in recognition of the >strength I know is within her and each of us and said a prayer that >she recognize that strength within to care for herself as I do the >same for my self. That is all I can do right now, ya know? > > > Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner > " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via > 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to: >http://www.BPDCentral.com > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 30, 2004 Report Share Posted January 30, 2004 After my father died is when my mom really started to show her bp as well. Although she tried to control my father, he in turn had his own issues and would end up getting angry and turning into a monster after my mom pushed and pushed him for whatever. He had severe anger issues and she wasn't helping it any. But after he died she really began to freak out and tried to control me and possibly my brothers (I'm not sure). She is so afraid of being alone. Which isn't a nice thought but you can lose your mind over it. You must believe you can make it in this world no matter what and not think that the only way you can make it is by trying to wrap others around your finger. I too hope your mom finds the strength within her. Hang in there. I wish you the best for your life. > >Reply-To: ModOasis >To: ModOasis >Subject: Tough decisions >Date: Fri, 30 Jan 2004 21:42:38 -0000 > _________________________________________________________________ Get a FREE online virus check for your PC here, from McAfee. http://clinic.mcafee.com/clinic/ibuy/campaign.asp?cid=3963 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 30, 2004 Report Share Posted January 30, 2004 , never underestimate the power of one focused mind. I think that your candle ritual is such a beautiful, healing, and cleansing response to this poisonous emotional trap that's been laid for you. And realistically, you'll probably do at least as much good for your Nada by staying away and thinking good thoughts for her, as you will by letting yourself get hoovered back into the mess, which will reinforce her false belief system, and validate the manipulative, deceptive, disrespectful behaviour of her and your sibs. You have a right to be fully and truthfully informed, not jerked around with alarming snippets of potentially-misleading information, if they expect you to be involved. Even if they mean well and sincerely may not know any better, what they are doing is just SO toxic! I will also think some good thoughts for your Nada, and the rest of our Nadas and Fadas and FOOs. And some more for you and the rest of us. Hugs, > After my sis' vague email about my mother " not doing so well " and my > asking for more info and she never responding, I get a call from my > neice telling me that my mother fell down and hurt herself and can't > get around so well but refuses to see a doctor. My sis called my > other sis who called her daughter to tell me. They are punishing me > for not doing everything like I used to. I know my siblings expect me > to go to her rescue even after no contact for almost a year. I am not > going. She needs to go to a doctor. My mother still doesn't want > to " go on " since my dad died 2 years ago and that has not changed. > What a mess. The truth is that nobody wants to deal with it, with > her. It is an endlessly, hopelessly frustrating mess. My father > absorbed her pain and anger for almost 50 years. She controlled him > completely and I knew even as a child that if he died first she would > fall apart. She tried to replace him with me and my sis until I > left. This is where her bp really is evident. She cannot cope. Her > greatest fear of abandonment has been realized and she is emotionally > spinning out of control. Nobody can really help her except herself. > It is like watching a boat sink and there are two choices: jump > aboard and sink with it or watch it sink and save yourself. We KO's > have tough, shitty decisions to make!! They are hard and I am a > compassionate person but I cannot sacrifice myself again. So I am not > calling her. I lit a candle this afternoon in recognition of the > strength I know is within her and each of us and said a prayer that > she recognize that strength within to care for herself as I do the > same for my self. That is all I can do right now, ya know? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 30, 2004 Report Share Posted January 30, 2004 , I am reading your posts very carefully, because my nada's situation is similar to the one you are describing. My father is still alive, but about 3 years ago a very close friend of theirs died, and nada's behavior has been worse since then. I think it was the first time she really realized that she would be alone when my dad died. She started putting out feelers to my sister (the good child) about their getting a house together, perhaps moving in with my sister for awhile. She kept on changing plans, and my sister very patiently tried to steer her in the right direction. (Father does nothing, just goes along with nada.) Anyhow, sister & nada decided that in a year, they would find a house together. Three days after that decision, nada called my sister to say that she just sold their house, and that they would 'make do' by living with my sister until they found another house! OMG! There was no room for them at my sister's, and it got very ugly, with my sister telling nada that they better find an apartment or a house to rent, because there was no guarantee that they would find a house before they had to move out of theirs. Nada had even agreed to moving out earlier than required, at the request of the buyers. Making strangers happy was more important than her own family. I was pretty much out of this, except to hear about it from my sister. This was another time when it was a blessing in disguise to be the 'bad child'. I did try to help by talking to the realitor (sp?), who was a friend of nada's. She said my parents were upset because their children (sister & me) didn't trust them to make a decision about moving, AND, it was such a shame that my sister changed her mind about them moving in with her. I have to admit, I still get speachless when I hear about nada saying something that is so contrary to what actually happened. And I was too speachless to tell this person what actually happened. And since nada is high functioning, I don't think i would have been believed. Nada won't leave messages on my answering machine, so recently, she had my sister call to give me a message - for my son! I just shake my head and keep on saying 'thank you' that I am out of this craziness. I have ended contact with my nada, as you have. And I agree that BPD forces us to make tough, painful decisions. I think I can actually handle nada in the present, but something 'snapped' for me, and whenever I am with her, I just get overcome with memories of my childhood, and I just don't to put myself in a situation where I have to experience that. I expect that I will work through this, but when I do, I have no idea if I will then restablish a relationship with her, or not. I totally agree with your comment about not sacrificing yourself. Keep on healing. Sylvia > My mother still doesn't want > to " go on " since my dad died 2 years ago and that has not changed. > What a mess. The truth is that nobody wants to deal with it, with > her. It is an endlessly, hopelessly frustrating mess. My father > absorbed her pain and anger for almost 50 years. She controlled him > completely and I knew even as a child that if he died first she would > fall apart. She tried to replace him with me and my sis until I > left. This is where her bp really is evident. She cannot cope. Her > greatest fear of abandonment has been realized and she is emotionally > spinning out of control. Nobody can really help her except herself. > It is like watching a boat sink and there are two choices: jump > aboard and sink with it or watch it sink and save yourself. We KO's > have tough, shitty decisions to make!! They are hard and I am a > compassionate person but I cannot sacrifice myself again. So I am not > calling her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 30, 2004 Report Share Posted January 30, 2004 If she will not see a doctor, there is nothing you can do. It's clear from your post that you're clear. Don't accept any punishment from your siblings, it is undeserved. remembering FOG--fear obligation and guilt has really helped me not feel guilty or buy into the fear, obligation or guilt thing. and bp is loaded with overblown health situations. if she's not bad enough to go to the doctor, it's not the emergency it's being painted. stay strong, you make sense to me... imho, tiki Tough decisions After my sis' vague email about my mother " not doing so well " and my asking for more info and she never responding, I get a call from my neice telling me that my mother fell down and hurt herself and can't get around so well but refuses to see a doctor. My sis called my other sis who called her daughter to tell me. They are punishing me for not doing everything like I used to. I know my siblings expect me to go to her rescue even after no contact for almost a year. I am not going. She needs to go to a doctor. My mother still doesn't want to " go on " since my dad died 2 years ago and that has not changed. What a mess. The truth is that nobody wants to deal with it, with her. It is an endlessly, hopelessly frustrating mess. My father absorbed her pain and anger for almost 50 years. She controlled him completely and I knew even as a child that if he died first she would fall apart. She tried to replace him with me and my sis until I left. This is where her bp really is evident. She cannot cope. Her greatest fear of abandonment has been realized and she is emotionally spinning out of control. Nobody can really help her except herself. It is like watching a boat sink and there are two choices: jump aboard and sink with it or watch it sink and save yourself. We KO's have tough, shitty decisions to make!! They are hard and I am a compassionate person but I cannot sacrifice myself again. So I am not calling her. I lit a candle this afternoon in recognition of the strength I know is within her and each of us and said a prayer that she recognize that strength within to care for herself as I do the same for my self. That is all I can do right now, ya know? Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to: http://www.BPDCentral.com ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 31, 2004 Report Share Posted January 31, 2004 , I am so proud of you for lighting the candle to symbolize your mother and everyone's inner strength. I also pray everyday that my mother realizes her own strength. I am a nurse and for many years I was the rescuer. I realized it was a never ending cycle for attention. I also stopped trying to save her which has put my sisters in a tailspin. About a week ago I called my mother who has asthma and she could barely talk, so short winded. Sometimes she can be overly dramatic so not sure if it was attention seeking or serious I put the ball in her court, " If it's that bad you need to see you doc and get antibiotics. " My sister called all upset, " could it be bronchitits or pneumonia? " I said it could be either if it is that bad she needs to see a doctor. (Before I would make the appt., pick her up etc., and the next day she had a new complaint - she can be quite the martyr) She made the appt, got antibiotics and was actually problem free for about 24 hours. Now she is on to a new dilemma, it seems her garage door is frozen shut. Anyhow I am very proud of you, it is tough and an ongoing struggle not to want to save her - but as you said we can jump on the sinking ship and go down with her or save ourselves. Think I will light a candle too, nice idea. - Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.