Re: Thanks...Nada dying - don't know how to feel.

[Guest guest]

I appreciate all of your perspectives, and your support. I'm sure you know,

it is too easy to droop into feeling 'all by myself' sometimes. My siblings

complain about her cruelties when they are directed at them, and resent me for

'irritating' her. When I told my mother to 'leave me alone' more than 20

years ago my siblings bought into 'taking sides' in mother's stance that not

wanting a relationship with her meant that I'd 'divorced the family'.

I don't expect anything to change should I see her. The chaos she sets in

motion around herself would even reassure her.

Ten years ago my mother was in the hospital a week before I learned she had

had a heart attack. When I did see her I expressed that I would liked to have

been told. She responded, " Not telling you was the nicest thing anyone has

ever done for me. "

My choices are few, but will be respectful nonetheless. My mother will have

no funeral. I expect a memorial service, and would arrange one for friends

and family if my siblings do not. I would have nothing to say as a memorial, am

not angry/guilty/remorseful, but the passing of a life ought not be ignored.

My FOO has a negative perspective of death and dying. Both of my parents

have made arrangements to donate their body to 'science,' not specifying return

to family of any eventual cremated remains. My sister does not attend funerals

at all, even family. My father has forbidden that his remains be 'buried,'

for fear that his grave might be disturbed one day...another story. My mother

followed suit, saying she did not want visitors at a tombstone -- who didn't

visit her while she was alive. (WHO could she be referring to?) I received a

copy of the letter sent to immediate family from their attorney, so I know

they are not kidding about this. They wouldn't trust a simple request.

One of the things that has put me on their 'strange people' list was staying

with my grandmother as she lay dying. I held her hand and talked to her as

she passed on, and sat next to her for a long while after she had 'officially'

been declared dead, just feeling comforted that she was so peaceful.

My parents arrived at the hospital and were horrified to find me sitting in a

chair next to a dead person, told me to 'stop acting crazy.'

Have you had similar 'reality checks' from your FOO; some loving experience

wrenched into an accusation of weird insanity? This is what I've come to

anticipate from mine.

Thanks for all of your kind thoughts, Carol