work on I need my stories as an excuse

[Guest guest]

MAny emails ago.. mona and bev said I should question That I need to keep my

stories for an excuse to be depressed...

says depression is always a thinking problem...

I did it a while back and have different scribbled pages in a notebook.....

and i think I should do it again... for now...

I realized what I got out of keeping stories was to think I was the poor lost

innocent victim.. who never hurt anyone.. but was hurt by lots of people...

in order to be innocent I felt I had to blame others...rather than see

everyone as innocent.

I liked being a victim..

There were a lot of underlying beliefs which came up...

People can hurt me.. was huge

I can hurt people..

I need fixing.

I need pity

I have reasons to have pity parties.

I need to blame people for past pain.

I've felt both resentment towards others and guilt... which led to pity

parties.. and waking up in despair as Viv... mentioned... for many years...

STill

do occasionally.

Brother Dharmananda in Self REalization once said we either say Good Morning,

Lord.. Or Lord its morning. "

Flo says this stuff -despair -comes up to be healed... and looked at...

I see myself in Jays emails about people in school... I have blamed others

in the past... I realize now my pain was not their intention ever... but my

projection of my own inner pain and inner self rejection. --people were

mirroring

that feeling.

And if they hadnt I never would of been motivated to change..

Brother also once said if we realized how often people think about us we

would no longer be self conscious...

Its obvious to me now... people dont intentionally think... I want to make

this kid miserable...I didnt intentionally want to hurt my dad... but it seemed

I did... and i alternately felt guilty and I blamed people for years... for

my projections..

katie says fix the projector..that never occured to me.

Also .I was sure if everyone pitied me.or liked me... . Life could be easy

for me...

I wanted pity ... the first time when I was terrified of water as a child...

and was forced to take swimming lessons.. If you can get pity you can get out

of it...

I didnt get out of it.. and i did finally learn to swim.. took years but I

did learn..

TA I dont need to keep stories for an excuse for past depression..

if I'm living in the now...

theres no excuse for thinking past stories.

No outer excuse for poor thinking...

I need to look at this stuff some more..

Thanks love, roslyn