Jan's demands

[Guest guest]

Hi Jan,

Boy this certainly isn't an original conversation you're speaking here, and

I appreciate you being honest about it. Some of the stuff you say you need

has been " needed " from me and left me feeling like there was something wrong

and that who I am was not wanted.

- i need him to love my body just as it is, more than anyone else's.

- i need him to find me more special than anyone else.

- i need him to love only me.

[FB] These are three that I have stumbled over. Over here they occur as

completely unreasonable and a rejection. I'd like to free associate with my

responses. Of course they're not directed at you, but at my past. I don't

think there's anything wrong with you or how you feel Jan, and I appreciate

you sharing so vulnerably. It gives me an opening to talk about something

that's up for me. The following are things I feel I've needed to say.

You need me to love your body more than anyone else's. So I'm left with

feeling like you think there is something wrong with me as I am. You don't

want me. You want some idealized version of me, but *I* am not accepted. I

feel hurt and rejected for what I like and what I prefer and I don't seem to

have control over these. In your thinking you have made up this story which

has you " needing " something I cannot provide (something other than what I

am). We both loose and it feels unfair from over here.

You need me to find you more special than anyone else. Once again trying to

dictate what I appreciate. I appreciate lots of things about lots of people.

I'm working the mall these days and see hundreds of people each day. I have

lots of thoughts like " What beautiful eyes she has. Wow what great breasts.

Look at how her eyes light up when she smiles. Look at that translucent

skin. Look how clear her eyes are. She must be really healthy. He really has

a great sense of style. Look how genuinely playful he is with people, hour

after hour. " There is no one person who could embody all of these things.

Once again, to wish to dictate what or who I think is special occurs as an

invalidation of me.

You need me to love only you. This one just occurs to me as confused, a

confused sense of self born of separation. I know you know all of this Jan.

And I know that sometimes our emotions don't respond to what our mind says

we should think and feel. Thanks again for your honesty.

I have been embroiled in a story where I'm working for Mister Scrooge

himself. He has invalidated and belittled my contributions to his business,

questioned my integrity, lied, gone back on his word, cost me money, and

fucked up my Christmas. I'm working 14 hours a day and exhausted, and I'm

not very clear that this suffering is all coming from my story. My mind says

it has to be and my heart says " Fuck you. I have a right to be upset and

angry. " As I write this a voice says " Okay, you have a right to it. Is it

really what you want? " Insane as it may sound, apparently so, at this

moment. I have some work to do, I guess in January when I can breathe.

I love you Jan and applaud you for who you're being these days,