Heidi's (was Jan's) demands

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

It was not Jan but I who wrote those beliefs about what i need. Your

responses are extremely appropos for me to hear though, and might be

exactly what is felt on the receiving end of these thoughts in my

relationship. I so appreciate hearing how it is for you.

Going with what you wrote, I have thoughts like, " if he loves her

breasts then i am not good enough. " Or, " if he wants to spend time

with other people without me, then i am not important to him. "

> You need me to love only you. This one just occurs to me as

> confused, a confused sense of self born of separation. I know you

> know all of this Jan. And I know that sometimes our emotions don't

> respond to what our mind says we should think and feel. Thanks

> again for your honesty.

Yes, it might be confused but saying that i don't believe it would

be untrue right now. Well, maybe i don't totally believe it because

i *can* see that it's a lie, but inside? Well, let's say that only

the smallest of drops of that realization has trickled down to my

being level and my heart. I still find myself to be very possessive

and jealous in my " love, " so needy, wanting to be the only one, etc

etc. Those ways of being are painful but i can't make them go away.

I wonder if they ever will.

Love, and wanting to hear more if there is any more for you,

Heidi (Jan?)

> Hi Jan,

>

>

>

> Boy this certainly isn't an original conversation you're speaking

here, and

> I appreciate you being honest about it. Some of the stuff you say

you need

> has been " needed " from me and left me feeling like there was

something wrong

> and that who I am was not wanted.

>

>

>

> - i need him to love my body just as it is, more than anyone

else's.

> - i need him to find me more special than anyone else.

> - i need him to love only me.

>

>

>

> [FB] These are three that I have stumbled over. Over here they

occur as

> completely unreasonable and a rejection. I'd like to free

associate with my

> responses. Of course they're not directed at you, but at my past.

I don't

> think there's anything wrong with you or how you feel Jan, and I

appreciate

> you sharing so vulnerably. It gives me an opening to talk about

something

> that's up for me. The following are things I feel I've needed to

say.

>

> You need me to love your body more than anyone else's. So I'm

left with

> feeling like you think there is something wrong with me as I am.

You don't

> want me. You want some idealized version of me, but *I* am not

accepted. I

> feel hurt and rejected for what I like and what I prefer and I

don't seem to

> have control over these. In your thinking you have made up this

story which

> has you " needing " something I cannot provide (something other than

what I

> am). We both loose and it feels unfair from over here.

>

> You need me to find you more special than anyone else. Once again

trying to

> dictate what I appreciate. I appreciate lots of things about lots

of people.

> I'm working the mall these days and see hundreds of people each

day. I have

> lots of thoughts like " What beautiful eyes she has. Wow what great

breasts.

> Look at how her eyes light up when she smiles. Look at that

translucent

> skin. Look how clear her eyes are. She must be really healthy. He

really has

> a great sense of style. Look how genuinely playful he is with

people, hour

> after hour. " There is no one person who could embody all of these

things.

> Once again, to wish to dictate what or who I think is special

occurs as an

> invalidation of me.

>

>

> I have been embroiled in a story where I'm working for Mister

Scrooge

> himself. He has invalidated and belittled my contributions to his

business,

> questioned my integrity, lied, gone back on his word, cost me

money, and

> fucked up my Christmas. I'm working 14 hours a day and exhausted,

and I'm

> not very clear that this suffering is all coming from my story. My

mind says

> it has to be and my heart says " Fuck you. I have a right to be

upset and

> angry. " As I write this a voice says " Okay, you have a right to

it. Is it

> really what you want? " Insane as it may sound, apparently so, at

this

> moment. I have some work to do, I guess in January when I can

breathe.

>

> I love you Jan and applaud you for who you're being these days,

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, it might be confused but saying that i don't believe it would

be untrue right now. Well, maybe i don't totally believe it because

i *can* see that it's a lie, but inside? Well, let's say that only

the smallest of drops of that realization has trickled down to my

being level and my heart. I still find myself to be very possessive

and jealous in my " love, " so needy, wanting to be the only one, etc

etc. Those ways of being are painful but i can't make them go away.

I wonder if they ever will.

*****You can't make them go away because you didn't put them there in

the first place.

They may not matter, however, if Heidi can see that she is that which

sees the feelings, the thoughts, not that which owns them.