RE: Need advice on how to talk with my brother

[Guest guest]

Hi , and everyone,

wrote:

> As for your first question. If it were my brother or sister

> I would try to approach it by saying something like " How do

> you feel about leaving your 5 yr old alone with mom? "

I've been thinking about this for some days and I decided, even

before I read 's message, that I'd probably start with a

question and then let him decide whether to talk about the issue

or not. I don't know if I'll use the exact question above, but

the idea of starting with a question, and letting him decide

whether he's up to talking about this topic, makes sense to me.

In a similar vein, I didn't just send him the SWOE book. We talked

a little bit about my mother's BPD diagnosis. Then I asked if he

wanted my SWOE book after I was through and he said yes. I don’t

know whether he read the book (it has been a busy time for him with

a new baby--SWOE was not his highest priority!) but by my offering

it, and him saying yes, it was not seen as unsolicited advice.

I do agree that unsolicited advice is rarely helpful. But leading

into a topic gently, and asking the person whether they want to

talk about it, might be received in a different way. I certainly

am more responsive to suggestions when they are phrased in this

way. I think he will be too.

My brother and I have a fairly good relationship. We usually talk

about lighter topics, though (books, movies, web sites, etc.) We

don't talk about my mother very often although there have been

times when our conversations have been about her. Also, in years

past he has said that he does want to be informed about what's

happening with my mother. In fact, when he was younger, he often

said that we (my sister and I) " never told him anything " !

Of course, the other side of this coin is that he very rarely

called or wrote us. He didn't ask us what was going on. So, like

all relationships, it does take two. Still, I try to be a bit more

proactive and reach out to him more often these days.

I talk about BPD and my mother a lot more with my sister. We don't

always agree on what to do, but we both have read SWOE and UMB and

we both LOVE the UMB book! Very validating even if you don't agree

with everything in it.

Regarding how to decline the request to chaperone my mother on a

cross country trip, I do know that I don't have to provide any

excuse. I even remember posting a message with my favorite quote:

" No " is a complete sentence!

But the question is not what I *can* say, but what I *should* say.

Yeah, I know, I know, it is *my* decision. But it helps to hear

what others think.

I would like to be honest with both my brother and sister about my

boundaries with my mother. My FOG was probably causing me to project

all sorts of reactions from them. Probably none of them will happen.

But even if my fears are real (they do think I am selfish, or they

get angry, or whatever), then so what? As long as I am loving and

kind with them when I talk with them, then I have done my best. I

believe it is better to give them a chance to respond rather than

assume that they will respond badly. If there were a history of

bad responses that would be one thing (if you touch a hot stove,

you don't get angry with it, you just don't touch it again). But

I confess that my fears were based purely on FOG. I was feeling

shaky on what to do so I posted looking for advice/support.

After thinking about it for a few days I've decided that being open

and honest is worth the risk of some possible repercussions that

may come. I want to make sure that I express myself in a positive

and loving way. I don't want to come across as self-righteous

( " Look at me and how strong my boundaries are! You should have some,

too! " ) or self-pitying ( " Poor me, I'm just too weak to be around my

own mother. " ) or whatever. I'm trying hard not to over analyze, but

I also know that with touchy subjects I'm better off if I don't jump

right in and start talking off the top of my head.

I have trouble expressing myself sometimes (Don't we all? LOL!)

when there are so many emotions swirling around. I have to practice

in advance so that I'll use " I statements " and so on. It's so easy

to be misunderstood. I know that there's always the chance of being

misunderstood anyway, but at least I can do my best and then leave

the results up to God/Fate/karma/whatever.

Oh, I also figured out why my emotions were so stirred up. I do

agree that the odds of my mother doing anything harmful during a

short visit are small (although it's possible). My fears were more

likely based on memories of how she treated me when I was a child.

I was reliving all those old fears. I kind of knew that even at the

time I posted but it took a while to separate it out and calm down.

I will still approach my brother to talk about this, but a lot of

my emotions have settled down since I figured out where they were

coming from. Thanks for all the input and support!

{{{{{{{{{{HUGS!}}}}}}}}}}

Marjorie in Oregon

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