Re: Toxic Parents and forgiveness (())

[Guest guest]

> Hi ,

> You don't know me, I just joined a few days ago and have been

> catching up on the posts (still a few days behind, obviously!)

>

> What you wrote was well-spoken. I agree that you don't need to

> take along your parents' childhood traumas in with your own

> childhood baggage. Good for you for coming to this realization!

>

> You have chosen a better path, which has no doubt been hard work.

> But IMHO, sometimes it helps to realize that we all have certain

> capabilities and some of us are (luckily) blessed with more healthy

> coping skills and a better grasp on reality than our parents were.

> My mom did her best, too, and it was far short of adequate, and I

> have anger about this. But I also realize that she was not born

> into this life choosing to be such a pathetic, incapable mother.

> She had nothing at all to work with. I don't know your mother, but

> maybe she didn't either. Just my 2 cents worth---

> Sparrow

>From experience, parenting is so hard. You never know if what you

>are doing is right, wrong, or what. So many times you make up the

>rules as you go along and hope it turns out okay. In retrospect, I

>realize I have made so many mistakes in the past (probably will in

>the future too), many of them because of my childhood. So in

>essence, my kids have had to deal with their childhoods and also

>mine. At the time I did it, I did not know my nada was BP. I knew

>my childhood was crazy and I didn't want to repeat it with my kids

>so I was different, but I still carried some wounds. Anyway, just

>some rambling thoughts.

>

I did not intend to make " blaming " sorts of statements about anyone's

parent or parenting for that matter. So, if any part of my post

sounded like I was judging anyone elses experiences or ability, I

apologize. I was only referring to MY own mother's failure as a

parent. She did choose this, even if she did so by *not* choosing

something else. She chose to have children, she chose every day to

be a less than adequate parent. For me to pretend otherwise, has

proven to do nothing but continue to hold me back. I'm tired of

being held back by the shortcomings of her and my " father. " So, yes,

I am a bit angry still. It doesn't consume my life, but it would be

unfair of me to further deny my feelings. I do not want to hear

about what horrible circumstances THEY had to contend with. I am not

at a point in my life that that sort of thing does anything but guilt

me back into feeling like the " selfish, hateful, ungrateful

daughter. " Not a role I enjoy too much these days. If this makes me

seem angry or bitter--oh well. I know my heart and I know myself,

and I am not a bitter or anger filled person.