Re: Acceptance

[Guest guest]

Hi Lizbeth,

I guess the old adage " all things in moderation " seems to still hold water ...

but that is just my experience, so far ...

My heartfelt sympathies with your 'diagnoses' - but that is all they are;

believe them if you will. You are what you want is very possibly more true. I

hope so still for you too.

Warmest best wishes, Barbara

> After doing the Work since June 2002, I got to the point of

> exhaustion as I was having panic attacks and obsessive thinking.

> Yesterday, I went to the psychiatrist and was diagnosed with ADD and

> Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. OCD because of the ADD and the

> perfectionist environment I grew up in. Today was my first day on

> medicine. I am still working on Loving What is. I believed that the

> work would cure all. I believed I should be able to do heal my

> mind with the work.

>

> I wanted to believe I was wonder woman. How do I accept I need to be

> on medication to heal my mind? It is reality - I think. Accepting my

> limitations and .....

> Well thanks for listening.

> Lizbeth

[Guest guest]

" lizbethlevin " wrote:

>

> I wanted to believe I was wonder woman. How do I accept I need to be

> on medication to heal my mind? It is reality - I think. Accepting my

> limitations and .....

> Well thanks for listening.

> Lizbeth

The Work is a wonderful way to deal with issues of " they did this to

me " and it hurt me and love gone wrong. It is my core forgiveness

program.

Parallel to the Work, you may wish to go to your local and

Noble or go to Amazon.com and take a look at the Pathway by Laurel

Mellin that deals specifically with obsessive thinking and people

pleasing (the need to be perfect). Just reading the book, the

Pathway, may be enough for you.

Just reading the book was not for me. I perceived that my needs were

very high based on my imbalanced life, my binge eating, binge

spending, obsessive thinking, my putting up emotional walls and doing

isolation, my rescuing others by expecting little from them, my

cluttered home environment vs. my perfectionistic work environment and

disorganization at home and my order at work...so I signed up for the

2-year program that holds my hand as I learn skills that I simply

never learned in childhood.

I am in week 14 and I grow more enthused as time goes by - I use the

skills from Loving What Is in the Journal work that is required in The

Pathway's Solution program.

The Pathway directly addresses your medication issues. They also are

very into getting you off medication but suggest that meds may be

necessary for you at the beginning of the program until you retrain

your mind. Blessings - Jan

[Guest guest]

Hi Lizbeth,

Some thoughts inserted in your text below

> After doing the Work since June 2002, I got to the point of

> exhaustion as I was having panic attacks and obsessive thinking.

Could it be that you were not really doing the Work? Did you want to

be right more than you wanted the truth? I can understand how

insisting on being right could lead to exhaustion, panic attacks and

obsessive thinking, in my experience the truth only left me peaceful

and loving.

> Yesterday, I went to the psychiatrist and was diagnosed with ADD

> and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. OCD because of the ADD and the

> perfectionist environment I grew up in. Today was my first day on

> medicine.

You have ADD and OCD is that really true? For me ADD and OCD are just

concepts that we mistakenly add onto what is. The concepts also bring

with them lots of stories which are very stressful.

Its like your mind is acting in a particular manner and then you add

all these concepts, which just increase your suffering because under

investigation they turn out to be untrue.

Who would you be without the ADD and OCD stories, maybe a woman

sitting in a chair peacefully reading an email?

> I am still working on Loving What is. I believed that the

> work would cure all. I believed I should be able to do heal

> my mind with the work.

Sounds like you have been doing the Work with the wrong motive. You

do the Work to find the truth, not to fix anything. A nice spin off

of the truth just happens to be peace and the end of suffering.

>

> I wanted to believe I was wonder woman. How do I accept I need to

> be on medication to heal my mind? It is reality - I think.

> Accepting my limitations and .....

I need to be on medication to heal my mind, is that really true? Go

inside and ask you. Do you believe everything you hear? If I were you

I would see not only see psychiatrists but psychologists and GPs, and

see if there might be something truer to believe. Try to find a

psychologist with an understanding of the Work, his story may not

involve medication at all.

One last thought, however you are is normal for you and it is perfect

until you add the story that its not!

Love you to bits ...

Neo

[Guest guest]

neo, thank you. i loved it.

love,

andrea

-- Re: acceptance

Hi Lizbeth,

Some thoughts inserted in your text below

> After doing the Work since June 2002, I got to the point of

> exhaustion as I was having panic attacks and obsessive thinking.

Could it be that you were not really doing the Work? Did you want to

be right more than you wanted the truth? I can understand how

insisting on being right could lead to exhaustion, panic attacks and

obsessive thinking, in my experience the truth only left me peaceful

and loving.

> Yesterday, I went to the psychiatrist and was diagnosed with ADD

> and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. OCD because of the ADD and the

> perfectionist environment I grew up in. Today was my first day on

> medicine.

You have ADD and OCD is that really true? For me ADD and OCD are just

concepts that we mistakenly add onto what is. The concepts also bring

with them lots of stories which are very stressful.

Its like your mind is acting in a particular manner and then you add

all these concepts, which just increase your suffering because under

investigation they turn out to be untrue.

Who would you be without the ADD and OCD stories, maybe a woman

sitting in a chair peacefully reading an email?

> I am still working on Loving What is. I believed that the

> work would cure all. I believed I should be able to do heal

> my mind with the work.

Sounds like you have been doing the Work with the wrong motive. You

do the Work to find the truth, not to fix anything. A nice spin off

of the truth just happens to be peace and the end of suffering.

>

> I wanted to believe I was wonder woman. How do I accept I need to

> be on medication to heal my mind? It is reality - I think.

> Accepting my limitations and .....

I need to be on medication to heal my mind, is that really true? Go

inside and ask you. Do you believe everything you hear? If I were you

I would see not only see psychiatrists but psychologists and GPs, and

see if there might be something truer to believe. Try to find a

psychologist with an understanding of the Work, his story may not

involve medication at all.

One last thought, however you are is normal for you and it is perfect

until you add the story that its not!

Love you to bits ...

Neo

[Guest guest]

Dear Randi,

My heart goes out to you.  I think finding out that your child is

disabled/special needs is nothing short of horrifying.  I think it just takes

some people more time than others.  I HIGHLY suggest you find a counselor to

help you both through this.  Marriage is hard enough and then compounding it

with a disabled child and a case of " denial " on your husband's part is pretty

serious. 

will be best off if both of you share the work involved with her care. 

Thinking of you!!

________________________________

To: polymicrogyria

Sent: Thursday, January 15, 2009 11:52:32 PM

Subject: Acceptance

This is a little off what you guys are talking about, but I am in

desperate need for advice. My daughter bailey is 20 months now and has

been diagnosed for over a year. She cannot walk, crawl or sit. She is

the happiest most social little girl I know. With that said my husband

has been in denial since the day we found out she has PMG. Even

through seizures and her recent surgery on her hip abductors. He

refuses to go to doctor appointments or therapy. I feel alone and

almost as though I need to protect him from what I have already

accepted. I enjoy everyday with her, but weather it is therapy or one

of her many appointments I would love for her father to get involved.

Randi

PMG 20 months

[Guest guest]

Randi, I really feel for you. You definitely need the support of your

husband. What reasons does he give for his non-involvement ? Was he

there when she was being operated on ? If this continues you should

definitely push for some kind of couple's counseling.

My thoughts will be with you & your family. Take it from someone who

knows, it doesn't get any easier as time goes on.

- Crystal's mom

>

> Dear Randi,

>

> My heart goes out to you.  I think finding out that your child is

disabled/special needs is nothing short of horrifying.  I think it

just takes some people more time than others.  I HIGHLY suggest you

find a counselor to help you both through this.  Marriage is hard

enough and then compounding it with a disabled child and a case

of " denial " on your husband's part is pretty serious. 

>

> will be best off if both of you share the work involved with

her care. 

>

> Thinking of you!!

>

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: polymicrogyria

> Sent: Thursday, January 15, 2009 11:52:32 PM

> Subject: Acceptance

>

>

> This is a little off what you guys are talking about, but I am in

> desperate need for advice. My daughter bailey is 20 months now and

has

> been diagnosed for over a year. She cannot walk, crawl or sit. She

is

> the happiest most social little girl I know. With that said my

husband

> has been in denial since the day we found out she has PMG. Even

> through seizures and her recent surgery on her hip abductors. He

> refuses to go to doctor appointments or therapy. I feel alone and

> almost as though I need to protect him from what I have already

> accepted. I enjoy everyday with her, but weather it is therapy or

one

> of her many appointments I would love for her father to get

involved.

>

> Randi

> PMG 20 months

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Randi...  It is so important to that your husband be there for

her...to understand what is happening and be a part of her life.  It only gets

harder...trust me... is 11 years old now...and without my husband standing

by my side throughout the worst of it...I don't know what I would do.   Yes...I

do most of the work in terms of doctors appointments, and organizing everything

he needs...but when has surgery..and when I was working full time (up

until he was 6) we split the responsibility.   

 

What is most important here for him is to get over the denial...and realize and

accept who she is...  you can't do this alone and also keep a strong

marriage...because you are not just a husband and wife....you are a

family...parents...and she needs both of you to be involved.

 

My husband has certain things he does with that are special to just the

two of them...and we also have two other children.   As parents...we feel that

we have a responsibility to be involved in their lives...whether its hip surgery

(We have been there...and will be going again this summer for both hips) or just

a routine exray...if he can get there.... He does.

 

It has not gotten easier...  can't sit, walk, talk... and he is now 100%

feeding tube fed and has seizures....they started young too....and many more

problems.  BUT BUT BUT he is so sweet, and loving, and special....  he needs Dad

just as much as Mom.  And althought they can't speak... believe me...they know

who is there for them, and who isnt.

 

I feel for you.  I can't imagine what it would be like if I couldnt rely on

him.   Now that I work from home part time, I do shoulder most of the " Mommy "

duties..not only for but for my 13 year old daughter, and my 8 year old

son....   and thanks to my hard work and diligence....we have nursing care now

so that I can have help...(medicaid pays for it you know)...     But when we

were at the point you are...I needed there to help me emotionally

too...because it was so hard to be going through those times of difficulty when

all around me there were normal children and families...   

 

You need eachother, and your child needs you...  if he loves you and ..he

will try to realize that hospitals, doctors, therapy, are going to be a part of

her life...probably forever.     We have not been in the hospital for two years

this month!!!!   So it comes in stages.... but 's first hip surgery (7

years ago) needs to be done again.  Ug.

 

When I stay with him in the hospital....my husband packs me care packages, and

makes sure everything else is taken care of...  then he comes back to the

hospital and stays by my side until he absolutely is too tired to stay anymore.

 

This post made me so sad.   She needs his love and acceptance....not his

distance and pushing away.

 

Good luck....try to get him to see the light...     Good luck.again.   Hugs,

Hasselberger, Mom to age 11, bilateral diffuse PMG 80%....non

verbal, wheelchair, seizures, reflux, gtube fed only, aspiration risk, etc.

Subject: Re: Acceptance

To: polymicrogyria

Date: Wednesday, January 21, 2009, 2:39 PM

Randi, I really feel for you. You definitely need the support of your

husband. What reasons does he give for his non-involvement ? Was he

there when she was being operated on ? If this continues you should

definitely push for some kind of couple's counseling.

My thoughts will be with you & your family. Take it from someone who

knows, it doesn't get any easier as time goes on.

- Crystal's mom

>

> Dear Randi,

>

> My heart goes out to you.  I think finding out that your child is

disabled/special needs is nothing short of horrifying.  I think it

just takes some people more time than others.  I HIGHLY suggest you

find a counselor to help you both through this.  Marriage is hard

enough and then compounding it with a disabled child and a case

of " denial " on your husband's part is pretty serious. 

>

> will be best off if both of you share the work involved with

her care. 

>

> Thinking of you!!

>

>

>

> ____________ _________ _________ __

> From: rpeavyjr <rpeavyjr@.. .>

> To: polymicrogyria@ yahoogroups. com

> Sent: Thursday, January 15, 2009 11:52:32 PM

> Subject: Acceptance

>

>

> This is a little off what you guys are talking about, but I am in

> desperate need for advice. My daughter bailey is 20 months now and

has

> been diagnosed for over a year. She cannot walk, crawl or sit. She

is

> the happiest most social little girl I know. With that said my

husband

> has been in denial since the day we found out she has PMG. Even

> through seizures and her recent surgery on her hip abductors. He

> refuses to go to doctor appointments or therapy. I feel alone and

> almost as though I need to protect him from what I have already

> accepted. I enjoy everyday with her, but weather it is therapy or

one

> of her many appointments I would love for her father to get

involved.

>

> Randi

> PMG 20 months

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I dont want you to misunderstand my husband. He was there for her

surgery. He loves his little girl. He plays with her, feeds her,

and would do anything for her. He just ignors the fact she is not

like most other 2 yr olds. I sometimes see him watch other toddlers

with despair. I guess we all have those moments. My main problem is

with our relationship, not their father daughter relationship.

Randi

> >

> > Dear Randi,

> >

> > My heart goes out to you.  I think finding out that your child is

> disabled/special needs is nothing short of horrifying.  I think it

> just takes some people more time than others.  I HIGHLY suggest you

> find a counselor to help you both through this.  Marriage is hard

> enough and then compounding it with a disabled child and a case

> of " denial " on your husband's part is pretty serious. 

> >

> > will be best off if both of you share the work involved

with

> her care. 

> >

> > Thinking of you!!

> >

> >

> >

> > ________________________________

> > From: rpeavyjr <rpeavyjr@>

> > To: polymicrogyria

> > Sent: Thursday, January 15, 2009 11:52:32 PM

> > Subject: Acceptance

> >

> >

> > This is a little off what you guys are talking about, but I am in

> > desperate need for advice. My daughter bailey is 20 months now

and

> has

> > been diagnosed for over a year. She cannot walk, crawl or sit.

She

> is

> > the happiest most social little girl I know. With that said my

> husband

> > has been in denial since the day we found out she has PMG. Even

> > through seizures and her recent surgery on her hip abductors. He

> > refuses to go to doctor appointments or therapy. I feel alone and

> > almost as though I need to protect him from what I have already

> > accepted. I enjoy everyday with her, but weather it is therapy or

> one

> > of her many appointments I would love for her father to get

> involved.

> >

> > Randi

> > PMG 20 months

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

This subject has been very hard for me...I have typed out responses a

few times now, only to delete them...so no matter what I write this

time, I am going to try my hardest to post it.

Its very hard being a single mother of a child with severe special

needs. My ex-husband, Alyssa's Dad, couldn't cope with her issues,

couldn't accept them, couldn't accept living the life of a family

with a special needs child...so two and a half years ago he up and

out of the blue left and for the most part hasn't looked back. My

life had to go on, there was no choice, life goes on, with or without

you. I had accepted our daughter for what she was/is and everything

that came along with her. The hardest part for me has been losing the

emotional support from him. I didn't care that he didn't know

everything I knew about our daughter. I didn't care that he probably

didn't know what her doctors and therapists names were...I cared the

most, that at the end of the day he was there for me...and then he

was gone... This is what I still suffer with. There is a bond that

only the actual parents of the child has...that is the bond I miss,

the bond long for that I will never have again, that I am greatly

missing but am working to move through. Counseling has helped

tremendously but I waited a long time to seek it out and start

working through this void that I struggle every day with.

Life is still going to go on regardless. There are many options for

you...you have to decide what is best for you and your child. My ex

decided for me and I had to live with his decision. Counseling is an

option, maybe separately for you two at first and then coming

together later on. You cannot force him to come out of his denial, if

you try, depending on how you try, you could be playing with fire,

not knowing how he will react. It isn't fair at all, its just how it

is. I am so sad you have to deal with this. You could lay the cards

out on the table, demand he get help, that he talk to you, that he

start to connect and accept his child. Or you could leave things as

they are see how they go. But its hard sheltering him, you have to

decide if you want to go on like this. Its enough taking care of a

special needs child. You have to decide if you want to keep taken

care of, sheltering, your husband. I probably could have had my

marriage last for atleast a few more years if I would have sheltered

my husband from our daughters special needs but I didn't know how

much he was suffering until it was too late. I thought he was on

board for the long haul and that I think, was a good thing looking

back, as I had him for what I needed him for at the time, not knowing

he wasn't coping well but he could have talked to me about the issues

he was having and never did. You could tell your husband that you are

there for him, that you know its hard to accept it all but that this

is your lives now and that you just want him to know that he can lean

on you, that he can open up to you. Just keep talking to him. I

really would suggest counseling!

, If your husband up and left or died tomorrow, you would just

carry on and do it...you would just do what needed to be done, you

would find the way, the strength (or atleast most of it) would just

come to you. That is how it worked for me and I believe that it would

be the same for everyone else in this situation. In the act of being

married, we cannot see doing it, living, without our spouse, but in

the act of being alone, you survive, you persevere! You're right in

saying that we " can't do this alone and also keep a strong marriage " .

You are either alone or together with this and your actions are what

counts. But there is also the part that if you let your spouse get

away with it (being in denial) and they don't leave and you don't

make them leave, then you are alone and in a marriage...so then its a

bigger problem that you have to decide what to do with because even

though its not right...you would still have the spouse and you would

be getting something from them; income, the other parent of your

child being there if only physically, the image, etc. ...this is

hardcore stuff!

I always thought that love was enough but the end of my marriage made

me see that love is NOT enough...you can love someone and not have it

be enough to keep you together, to keep the family together, to give

you the strength to do what you need to do, etc.

Randi, Since you posted you have been on my mind a lot. I am praying

that you and your husband will find a way to get to the same page. If

I can be of any help to you, even just someone to listen, please

don't hesitate to send me an email!

Take care,

[Guest guest]

,

The father of my punkins left when I was pregnant with Quinn. he has

very little, hour(s?) per year, to do with our youngest, but has the

four older children for a few weeks at a time, totalling about 8-10

per year.

There are so many things that suck about this kind of situation that

it's hard even to think about them all -- the list is just too long.

My soon to be ex was a fantastic support, through all his grad

school, many moves, baby birthing/raising, etc. But for whatever

reason, when push came to shove, he hit the road. (The other woman

part sure didn't help.) It wasn't until about a month after he left

that I found out that Q had major issues going on. Both his daddy

and the girlfriend were fairly crappy about it. I'm sure he suffered

a fair amount on his own. Who wouldn't? Especially someone who

seemed to be such a present, compassionate, thoroughly understanding

kind of great dad and husband.

Having Quinn alone (the actual prenatal and birthing process), and

now having to do the medical stuff by myself (his dad is a doc), have

been really, really, nearly unbearably hard. And yet, it's not

something I think about - ever - until I run across something like

what you wrote. One just keeps on keeping on, one foot in front of

the other. There is no other option. No sleep? No problem. No

shower? No problem? Teething? Lifting of equipment? Tracking the

big kids? No problem.

Well. Of course there are problems. But what are the alternatives?

Not pretty, is what they are. So you just do it. And there is grace

in the midst of the crazy. There are smiles in the tears, there are

tolerance, will, resolve anew when one thinks one must surely crack

at one. more. detail.

And truly, truly, it could be so much worse. The kids and I are safe

and warm in my parents' home, the financial support has become more

regular, Q has been sleeping one or two nights a week, and the

yelling from the " opposition " has more or less abated. The kids are

pretty healthy, Q is getting a lot of the equipment that he needs

(I'll be pushing for the rest), and there are some really fabulous

people out there. Really.

I sometimes, when it's dark and quiet, wonder how long I can keep

this up. Even then, it's evident that my act of wondering is a

result of a pause in the hectic pace and that I'm having a little

space in which to reflect. That's a blessing too.

Anyway, it's probably TMI, all the above, but your post, , was

quite moving for me. For others too, I suspect. It touched a nerve,

and honestly, helped. To know that there are other mamas out there

pedaling as fast as we can, all of us collectively, well, we're a

tough and tender bunch, you know? We're a pretty good group to have

the success or failure of these important things (our kids) resting

upon.

Wishing you peace and blessings in the journey,

mom to 5

[Guest guest]

Oh ...Its so nice to hear that there is another Mother out

there that understands. And you deal with 5 kids...I just have my

one. I wanted more but was too scared and now altough on one hand I

wish I would have had atleast one more with my ex, I am glad that I

didnt since he was going to turn into such a looser! And it matters

that our special needs child was our first and yours was your

fifth... I am still hoping to be able to have more...someday...

I didnt even get into the " other woman " crap in the last post...my ex

said that the other woman was just so he had somewhere else to go, so

he could actually do it, leave us...he still insists that he

didnt " leave " our daughter but actions speak louder than words. Too

bad he didnt tell this first other woman about our

marriage...lol...and then she insisted he be/stay a part of Alyssa's

life, but that is what he was running from...so they were toast!

There were others though that he was keeping in the wings, so that he

was never alone...but there I was...all alone...I made it through

though, not that its over with but with my head held high, I do what

I have to do for my daughter!

I am so glad to hear that he sees atleast the other kids. Its so

totally not fair but sometimes its not about fairness and just about

the kids. I am sure they want to see their dad, so its good that he

comes around atleast the little he does, for them that is.

Thank you for your email. The things you said hit the nail on the

head. We just have to keep pushing on, there is no choice! The

alternatives wont work for me, for you either I know...so one foot

infront of the other, through the good and the bad we go!

Take care,

>

> ,

>

> The father of my punkins left when I was pregnant with Quinn. he

has

> very little, hour(s?) per year, to do with our youngest, but has

the

> four older children for a few weeks at a time, totalling about 8-10

> per year.

>

> There are so many things that suck about this kind of situation

that

> it's hard even to think about them all -- the list is just too

long.

> My soon to be ex was a fantastic support, through all his grad

> school, many moves, baby birthing/raising, etc. But for whatever

> reason, when push came to shove, he hit the road. (The other woman

> part sure didn't help.) It wasn't until about a month after he

left

> that I found out that Q had major issues going on. Both his daddy

> and the girlfriend were fairly crappy about it. I'm sure he

suffered

> a fair amount on his own. Who wouldn't? Especially someone who

> seemed to be such a present, compassionate, thoroughly

understanding

> kind of great dad and husband.

>

> Having Quinn alone (the actual prenatal and birthing process), and

> now having to do the medical stuff by myself (his dad is a doc),

have

> been really, really, nearly unbearably hard. And yet, it's not

> something I think about - ever - until I run across something like

> what you wrote. One just keeps on keeping on, one foot in front of

> the other. There is no other option. No sleep? No problem. No

> shower? No problem? Teething? Lifting of equipment? Tracking

the

> big kids? No problem.

>

> Well. Of course there are problems. But what are the

alternatives?

> Not pretty, is what they are. So you just do it. And there is

grace

> in the midst of the crazy. There are smiles in the tears, there

are

> tolerance, will, resolve anew when one thinks one must surely crack

> at one. more. detail.

>

> And truly, truly, it could be so much worse. The kids and I are

safe

> and warm in my parents' home, the financial support has become more

> regular, Q has been sleeping one or two nights a week, and the

> yelling from the " opposition " has more or less abated. The kids

are

> pretty healthy, Q is getting a lot of the equipment that he needs

> (I'll be pushing for the rest), and there are some really fabulous

> people out there. Really.

>

> I sometimes, when it's dark and quiet, wonder how long I can keep

> this up. Even then, it's evident that my act of wondering is a

> result of a pause in the hectic pace and that I'm having a little

> space in which to reflect. That's a blessing too.

>

> Anyway, it's probably TMI, all the above, but your post, ,

was

> quite moving for me. For others too, I suspect. It touched a

nerve,

> and honestly, helped. To know that there are other mamas out there

> pedaling as fast as we can, all of us collectively, well, we're a

> tough and tender bunch, you know? We're a pretty good group to

have

> the success or failure of these important things (our kids) resting

> upon.

>

> Wishing you peace and blessings in the journey,

>

> mom to 5

>