you should have told me

[Guest guest]

C., my former therapist, who I saw for many years, is ill. I have known

about it for some time, even though it's supposed to be kept secret from his

patients and former patients -- someone else who sees him found out and told me.

It's only now hitting me, coming up in disturbing dreams; maybe because my

friend's father died this summer?

I left C. a message the other day to tell him I loved him. I wanted to say

much more and thought I should not.

He is such a gift to me and I'm killing him off already.

I am angry with you because you hid your illness from me. I am angry with

you because I'm not ready for you to die.

I want you to be honest with me. I want you to be well.

You should not put on a good face for me. You should not be so objective in

some areas and so boundariless in others. Therapists should not hide their

humanity from their patients. You should not have Parkinson's.

I need you to be alive and well until I'm sure I'll always be okay without

you. I need to be able to tell you I know your secret. I need you to let me

help you.

You are deceitful, a spiritual space-case, vulnerable, in denial, someetimes

unprofessional, dying.

I don't want to experience your death or debilitation from this disease. I

am afraid to lose you.

I am very sad. I think I will sit with this for awhile before undoing...let

myself mourn and see what else arises. It's not entirely about him, I

think, but all my losses...my grandfather, my parents, the losses to come. And

the underlying belief that I'll never be okay on my own.

Love, Carol