Heidi's Love

[Guest guest]

Heidi - here's my embarrassing list of reasons i think i need him. I'm

ashamed of some of them but write them anyway... i see that it's a

parent i want sometimes, not an independent healthy, equal

relationship between two adults. There's a big ouch, and eyes looking

down as i write lots of these.

- i need him to help me pay for school.

- i need him to be with me when i'm lonely.

- i need him to hold me.

- i need him to call me sweet, tender names.

- i need him to love my body just as it is, more than anyone else's.

- i need him to be there for me when i need him.

- i need him not to be too needy. (yeah, i know!)

- i need him to include me.

- i need him to find me more special than anyone else.

- i need him to love only me.

- i need him to tuck me in at night.

- i need him to father me.

- i need him to make me proud of him.

Jan - I don't know who said it and I'm paraphrasing but the quote is

when you stop using people as drugs THEN you begin to understand love.

Your list reminds me of my " relationship " with . I wanted him

to teach me how to love myself. I wanted him to *grow me up*.

He wasn't up for it nor was I up for his methodolgy of teaching me!

This for me is my core work. Learning that what I'm looking for is

INSIDE me - not out there - is a theme I constantly return to.

Remember Heidi - you showed me something very beautiful once - because

on the other side of using another as a drug is marrying yourself.

I'm experiementing with that - changing all the " him's " to me's - then

he's just icing on the cake instead of being the whole party.

Not making it yet - this remembering and forgetting stuff - round and

round I go....Blessings - Jan