Guest guest Posted December 10, 2003 Report Share Posted December 10, 2003 okay, ive got my bitching quota filled for the day. here's inquiry. god has abandoned me. 1. i don't know. has felt like it for a while. 2. no. 3. i contract into all kinds of low-end emotions: anger, fear, grief, envy (of others more " realized " than me). insanity, really. i resist reality. i lose peace. ive lost trust. i scoff at spiritual nicities posted on this site. i feel jaded, sarcastic, and as always, seperated from love. i take life deadly seriously. humorless, hopeless. i cannot find hardly an ounce of real love inside me to give. i find it very hard to accept what i think is love coming from others. seperate. alone. isolated. alienated from others, from any kind of real happiness, from life. if im not in pain, im numb. i tried to feel some kind of connection in a drug yesterday, which im not too proud of (i wont lie, it was a beautiful, fleeting, much needed experience). *peace or stress? stress, apathy, numbness. *peacful reason to hold onto this belief? no. *any reason to drop it? of course. *what's the payoff for holding this belief? this is always tough. honestly, i get to wallow around. i get to demand that things should be different. i get to be right about some " god " not giving a damn about me. it reinforces the " i wont ever get it " lie (a core belief). i get to continue resisting reality and holding up the ego's precious concepts. (the ego is my enemy--another core belief). 4. i would roll with the punches. i would trust that this IS for my own self-realization. i would forgive myself for not knowing. i would be more open to others. i could trust. holy shit!!!--i have abandonment issues! ha ha!! that's NORMAL! sorry, i just realized something this moment--a nice, normal neurosis to inquire about soon. okay, im off track here. i could forgive " god " , maybe. hopefully. would really like to, for my sake. TA> ive abandoned god. ??? ive abandoned myself. ive abandoned my thoughts, feelings. yes, they were wrong and i wanted nothing to do with them. god has never abandoned me or anyone. could be true. god would like for me to not abandon me. im learning, slowly but.... as KT says: god is reality. reality does not abandon me. reality is always present. reality is, god is. i'll sit with these. love, jeremy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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