Guest guest Posted August 31, 2003 Report Share Posted August 31, 2003 Carol, I have a question... When I turn around the thought that my husband is manipulative I try to find how I have manipulated him, I am sure I must have done this but it eludes me. How did I hurt him? manipulation means to hurt somehow... and did I? While driving back from getting groceries (nothing in the house kind of deal) I wondered could it have been me all the time? Instead of my husband manipulating could I have manipulated me? Maybe that is more correct. I told myself that participation was strength, I manipulated myself into believing things that later were not serving me. There were times when I would try to " reach him " and it just didn't work. He would get very angry. He would tell me to look him in the eyes when he talked to me and then he would tell me that I was not kind enough, good enough, loving enough etc. Geeze do you have any idea how hard it is to pour all over someone who is mean to you? I couldn't do it. That is it. I couldn't love him the way he wanted. I kept saying " things will get better " and they didn't. I thought they might get better, I really did. I don't think I lied to him. I think I lied to me! Things were not going to get better. I could not be the person he wanted. I did manipulate him into thinking that one day, I could be what ever person he needed. I swear I tried but I just couldn't do it. Yeah, I can find it. I manipulated both of us. What transpired at the house was crying, my husband trying to use aggression on my 17 year old and she said " NO! It won't work, you will hear me out. You have always told me to be quiet while you talk now I want to talk. " She told me that he kept trying to interrupt her. She kept saying NO. Then he tried to blame it all on me. She told him that it was an insult to think that she was " her mother " (hmmm, I like that one! LOL) that she had her own thoughts and no one could make her think one way or another. She told him the only way she would be near him was with a therapist as she wanted to heal some thoughts and she didn't want to have to do this under fire and she hoped that a mediator could help her. Then he started crying. (after he had called her names, told her how she was disrespectful, was brain washed, was spoiled etc) And he said that he had nothing in his life but his triathlons. (go figure) and that he was pathetic. She agreed that he was pathetic. Then she cried for him. He cried for him. She felt sad and wanted to make it Ok for him and told him he wasn't that pathetic and that it wasn't all that bad... and that he was a good person etc etc... (she was later angry because she said that she said those things to only make him feel good. she was mad that he " just knew " that she was not a person who would attack someone when they were down, the way he does... I imagine in her thinking she wanted to be much like him... attacking when she had the chance. I guess we have some talking to do... Perhaps if she notices that she is exactly the person she wants to be and can sometimes understand how it is to think sometimes like him. I can find it! Damn I wanted an attack raven! <smile> So what happened is that my kids knew what to do. He did come over even though I had told him no the night before. I was mad because I felt violated that he would do what he wanted no matter what I asked. ( so here is the control! oh yeah I find it) The truth is that my kids were ok... yeah they were mad and upset. They had an opportunity to notice and to hear themselves speak their truth. It was really a good thing. I see that now. They are not me. Ok and I can notice that this opportunity allows me to hear their truth. I see that it is a thought that these truths can be scary... just thoughts ..... Geeze I am an idiot! Thanks Carol, April Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 31, 2003 Report Share Posted August 31, 2003 Dear April: You said: " When I turn around the thought that my husband is manipulative I try to find how I have manipulated him, I am sure I must have done this but it eludes me. How did I hurt him? manipulation means to hurt somehow...and did I? " I would suggest that you try turning it around like this: " My thinking has manipulated me. " " My thoughts have hurt me. " Regards, Steve D. > Carol, > I have a question... > When I turn around the thought that my husband is manipulative I try to > find how I have manipulated him, I am sure I must have done this but it > eludes me. How did I hurt him? manipulation means to hurt somehow... > and did I? > > While driving back from getting groceries (nothing in the house kind of > deal) I wondered could it have been me all the time? Instead of my > husband manipulating could I have manipulated me? Maybe that is more > correct. I told myself that participation was strength, I manipulated > myself into believing things that later were not serving me. There were > times when I would try to " reach him " and it just didn't work. He would > get very angry. He would tell me to look him in the eyes when he talked > to me and then he would tell me that I was not kind enough, good enough, > loving enough etc. Geeze do you have any idea how hard it is to pour > all over someone who is mean to you? I couldn't do it. That is it. I > couldn't love him the way he wanted. I kept saying " things will get > better " and they didn't. I thought they might get better, I really > did. I don't think I lied to him. I think I lied to me! Things were > not going to get better. I could not be the person he wanted. I did > manipulate him into thinking that one day, I could be what ever person > he needed. I swear I tried but I just couldn't do it. Yeah, I can find > it. I manipulated both of us. > > What transpired at the house was crying, my husband trying to use > aggression on my 17 year old and she said " NO! It won't work, you will > hear me out. You have always told me to be quiet while you talk now I > want to talk. " She told me that he kept trying to interrupt her. She > kept saying NO. Then he tried to blame it all on me. She told him that > it was an insult to think that she was " her mother " (hmmm, I like that > one! LOL) that she had her own thoughts and no one could make her think > one way or another. She told him the only way she would be near him was > with a therapist as she wanted to heal some thoughts and she didn't want > to have to do this under fire and she hoped that a mediator could help > her. Then he started crying. (after he had called her names, told her > how she was disrespectful, was brain washed, was spoiled etc) And he > said that he had nothing in his life but his triathlons. (go figure) > and that he was pathetic. She agreed that he was pathetic. Then she > cried for him. He cried for him. She felt sad and wanted to make it Ok > for him and told him he wasn't that pathetic and that it wasn't all that > bad... and that he was a good person etc etc... (she was later angry > because she said that she said those things to only make him feel good. > she was mad that he " just knew " that she was not a person who would > attack someone when they were down, the way he does... I imagine in her > thinking she wanted to be much like him... attacking when she had the > chance. I guess we have some talking to do... Perhaps if she notices > that she is exactly the person she wants to be and can sometimes > understand how it is to think sometimes like him. I can find it! Damn > I wanted an attack raven! <smile> > > So what happened is that my kids knew what to do. He did come over even > though I had told him no the night before. I was mad because I felt > violated that he would do what he wanted no matter what I asked. ( so > here is the control! oh yeah I find it) The truth is that my kids were > ok... yeah they were mad and upset. They had an opportunity to notice > and to hear themselves speak their truth. It was really a good thing. > I see that now. They are not me. Ok and I can notice that this > opportunity allows me to hear their truth. I see that it is a thought > that these truths can be scary... just thoughts ..... > > Geeze I am an idiot! > > Thanks Carol, > April > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 1, 2003 Report Share Posted September 1, 2003 " April " wrote: She told me that he kept trying to interrupt her. She > kept saying NO. Then he tried to blame it all on me. She told him that > it was an insult to think that she was " her mother " (hmmm, I like that > one! LOL) that she had her own thoughts and no one could make her think > one way or another. She told him the only way she would be near him was > with a therapist as she wanted to heal some thoughts and she didn't want > to have to do this under fire and she hoped that a mediator could help > her. You've done a great job April....if this is how your children are responding - they get it - responding sanely to insane behavior = this for me IS loving what is....Jan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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