Work on I do not deserve to be helped.

August 9, 2003

" I do not deserve to be helped. "

1 Is it true?

yes. I feel like this right now.

I deserve only to extend my help but not to receive any.

a What's the reality of it?

often I feel I do not deserve to help me or to be helped. Often I

feel helpless knocking at the wall of my own " feeling " world. I

have always used diplomacy with me to cover up what I really

feel.

I am carrying a cemetery inside me, feelings I killed with this

diplomacy.

2 Can you absolutely know that it's true? no, I cannot.

3 How do you react when you think that thought?

Feels very truthful. I have tried everything, months in india,

meditating around the clock, ashrams, gurus, and here I am

unenlightened.

I do not deserve to be helped.

c Does this thought bring peace or stress into your life? stress

j What do I get out of holding this belief? What's the payoff?

I get to feel I am a lone wolf, 'unique', lamed 'god'.

Many people are helped, not me.

k What does it cost me?

I am shutting down to receive help. I am not allowing anyone to

help me. I rush in to help everyone instead, but do not let anyone

help me.

I jump with a wheelchair into a river to 'save' a merrily swimming

child.

4 Who am I without that thought? Soft, listening, receving

everything in, being loved, every muscle relaxed.

b When I close my eyes for a moment and look at me without

this idea that I do not deserve to be helped, what do I see?

everything in my life being helpful to me completely.

being helped continously. Basking in the loving helpful What-Is.

Feeling RELIEF about every thought/feeling that comes.

5 Turn it around (to self, other, opposite, thinking, being willing,

looking forward)

-I DESERVE to be helped.

-My thinking DESERVES to be helped.

-I am willing to feel that I DESERVE to be helped.

-I DESERVE my helpless thinking.

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