you should have told me, pt. 2

[Guest guest]

You have Parkinson's.

*Is it true? I don't know. That's what I was told; and you exhibit the

symptoms of it.

*Can I absolutely know that it's true? No.

*How do I react when I think this thought?

I imagine you degenerating, becoming crippled, shaking uncontrollably,

wheel-chair bound, wizened, choking, miserable.

I imagine a painful death for you. I imagine the pain your family will

experience/is experiencing.

I pity you. I imagine you to be struggling mentally with this. I am

totally in your business.

I think this should not be happening (God's business) -- and from what I've

observed it's not happening now.

I see you as sick, and somehow less than, weak, fragile, needing lots of

help, support, understanding.

I am angry with God.

I reduce you to a dying man, not seeing your youth, virility, strength of

character, spirit.

There is no payoff in believing you have Parkinson's...only stress.

Who would I be without this story?

Available, your friend. One with you. Strong. Healthy mind.

TA:

*You do not have Parkinson's. For all I know that is true.

*My thinking has Parkinson's. Yes; when I think you have this death

sentence, my thinking is weak, trembling, a lethal disease.

I might not be okay without you.

*Is that true? No, it's preposterous. I am " without " you now, I was

" without " you before we met, and despite thoughts to the contrary I have always

been fine.

*When I think this thought and believe it I am not there for you, we are

separate. I don't recognize that you are always with me.

My mind travels to a future where you will die and no one will have told me.

I will not be able to see you one more time. I will not be there to pay my

respects. (I could die tomorrow of course, or today for that matter! The

mind is such a fascinating picture show.) (UB's: one has to be present

physically to see someone one last time; I have to be " there " to pay my

respects.)

I orphan myself as I have done all my life with one parental figure or

another.

I kill us both off.

And I see myself getting depressed again, unable to move, unable to do The

Work, my life in the toilet, and you are not there to help me, and I " need " you.

Hopeless.

Payoff: malingering in " not okay-ness. " Someone will have to take care of

me. Yeah, right. Hasn't ever worked so far. And so far I've always

gotten out of the depression. Interesting.

*Who would I be without this thought?

Self-sufficient, loving you over here, present in my life now, okay with or

without you.

TA:

*I might be okay without you.

*I might be better off without you.

*I am never without you. Truer.

*I might not be okay without me. Truest.

*I might be okay without my thinking to the contrary.

*You might be okay without me. Ouch, the ego felt that! Good.

Love, Carol