Jan--Inquiry-- Re: baby/ Me

[Guest guest]

> Jan wrote:

> --->If I heal my childhood misperceptions, I'll be whole and peaceful.

> If I face my childhood pain, I'll be whole and peaceful.

> If I undo the lies from my past, I'll be whole and peaceful.

Those may be true, and I think I've heard that's happening for you. To me,

these still imply that I'm somehow *not whole* just the way I am, and that

somehow I'll reach a state of " being " whole and peaceful at the end of

*doing* something. That doesn't feel any more peaceful to me than the

original belief I was working. This train of thought makes me more

interested now in questioning the idea that there is such a thing as being

whole, complete, or *being* anything. Those are concepts of the mind, just

like everything else that can be held up to inquiry.

> TA: I should choose to reparent me...truer

>

> If you feel that this is true - and I found it to be so for me also -

> what will you do to follow through on the truths you find?

Here is a window into my thought processes as I read and interpreted this

question. On the first reading, I sensed that you wanted me to answer that I

will join in doing the same things you're doing. And turning that around to

myself, I can find that when I'm on a path that feels good to me, I want

other people to join me, too. I have no idea if my projection of your motive

has a lick of truth in it. On the second reading, I looked at the question

through the lens of a less-subjective motive, which is " Jan asked a

question. It's completely within my ability to give an answer to that

particular question. How about if I just answer it honestly? " Much more

peaceful!

So, to live this turnaround...

1. I can pay more attention to what's going on with me and my responses to

my partner. E.g., When I hear my partner walking towards the room I'm in,

instead of the usual thinking " what should I do or say to get a little

closer to getting what I want from him? " , I can ask myself, " what do I

notice in myself as he comes closer? What's happening in my body? Am I

annoyed, pleased, tense, open, curious? Do I have anything I've been wanting

to say to him? Can I just listen to him and respond honestly? "

2. Don't wait for other people to be any nicer to me than I am to myself. Do

things for myself for reasons other than absolute " necessity. " Buy some nice

nightgowns instead of wearing a t-shirt to bed. Go to the hairdresser

instead of cutting it myself. Get a massage once a month. If I'm not having

fun by myself at home, and my partner not available, call up some friends

and go out to a movie, or go out on a photo expedition. Emphasis on fun for

little Bev. How would I treat a precious daughter?

Ya know...I have been withholding and neglecting of myself a lot! Example of

me to me: " Bev, you should be working on that paper, or organizing the

office, or exercising, or working on one of your future goals. Oh, you don't

want to? Okay, then you don't get to do anything fun or frivolous. Stay home

and take a fearless inventory of your character. " I am my own wicked

stepmother!

3. Be my own fairy godmother.

> TA: I have no business...could be just as true.

>

> --->If this were really true would this worksheet exist?

>

> TA: I'll always have unfinished business from SOMEwhere...could be

> just as true. That's somehow comforting.

>

> --->Comfort appears to always be nice....what's comfortable about

> always having the illusion of unfinished business?

(Interesting. Again, my first instinct is to hear something other than the

objective question. What I heard was " Comfort is going to fool you! Can't

you see your turnaround is just an illusion, and furthermore it's not even a

good illusion? " Wow. I am really being hard on myself, today. Jan, thank you

for this chance to notice what I reflect back to me when feeling

challenged.)

Here's the answer to the straight question: I'm thinking there will be

thoughts appearing for the rest of my life; always someone stimulating new

judgments for me...until they don't. (And I'm thinking of unfinished

business as thoughts that haven't been inquired into.) So far, I can't keep

up with bringing it ALL to inquiry at the rate the world is happening. So,

I'd prefer to feel peaceful about not being able to keep up, if that is the

reality.

> To listen to someone do their work and not put yourself back into

> their work is difficult for me.

I'm not sure I understand which of us you meant by " yourself, " but I think

you meant " to listen to Bev do her work and not put Jan back into Bev's work

is difficult for Jan. " Is that correct?

If it serves you, you could explore why you consider it difficult not to. Is

there a judgment behind the " difficult " label? Is it that you should

restrain yourself from doing something?

Is this method of speaking back to

> you helpful or not helpful? Thanks - Jan

Honestly, it was very helpful, even if I slapped myself around with it a

little bit, first. It was very clarifying for me. Thank you for asking, and

thank you for speaking back to me.

Love,

Bev