you should have told me, pt. 1

[Guest guest]

***You should not have hidden your illness from me.

*Is t true? I don't know. I'm sure you have your reasons. Okay, no. I

can't know what's best for you and your path of having Parkinson's in the

midst of a busy practice, family, etc.

*When I think this thought and believe it, I am totally in your business and

running your life from over here. I abandon myself and ascribe a lot of

bogus agendae to you, I judge you very harshly. I tell myself you are sneaky,

dishonest, and that I should never have trusted you. I tell myself that you

are putting yourself on a level above me, that we the lowly patients and former

patients would not be able to handle the news. I call you fearful, fearful

of falling off your lofty shrink's pedestal if your frailties were known. I

feel sorry for you, as if you weren't able to handle your own life.

My mind goes to a future where you will die and I will feel bereft and angry

with God for taking you. I feel like I need to see you, even though I cannot

afford an appointment and don't need one. I believe I can't love you and

support you from over here.

I feel like I have a terrible secret that I cannot tell others who know you,

so I avoid those people.

Attaching to this thought, it feels lonely and sad, there is a throbbing rage

behind the eyes and something in my throat that I cannot disgorge.

*WIthout this thought, I would do as I did, call you occasionally to express

my love, love you, appreciate what you have been in my life. I would be the

friend, parent, and healer to myself that you were to me all those years. I

would trust God. I would know that you are doing the best you can, as am I.

This feels gentle.

TA:

*You should have hidden your illness from me, if that is your integrity.

*You did not hide your illness from me; just because you didn't tell me it's

not hiding anything; I cannot know your mind and why you tell me certain th

ings and not others.

*I hide your illness from me; yes, I do not want to dwell upon it and truly

be there for you; I'm having a self-pity party over hear and calling it you.

*I hide my illness from you; I can find that, I didn't always trust you

enough to tell you everything. I wanted you to think I was sicker or better

than

I was, wanting to manipulate the outcome of our sessions. Even now, when I

have The Work, I still get very depressed sometimes and I don't want you to

know that because then you'll think bla bla bla etc.

*I hide my illness from me; the illness of believing my thinking, yes, at

those times when I want to be right and don't want to inquire.

***I am not ready for you to die.

*Is it true? No, I am being dramatic; you are not " dying, " you have a

disease that may kill you someday and maybe not.

*Can I absolutely know that it's true that I am not ready for you to die?

I can't know how ready I will be or not if you should die before me. I

can't know better than God when your perfect time of death should be. No.

*When I think this thought I have you in the grave already, I kill you now.

I " lonely " myself and scare myself with thoughts of a terror-filled future.

I withhold love from you.

I " prepare " myself for something that isn't happening. I don't live my life

as it shows up, now.

I get to be a drama queen and a pathetic one who needs attention,

reassurance, etc.

This thought is bullshit!

*If I could not think this thought I would be present for my life and yours.

I would love you sick or well, dead or alive...maybe I would not even make

these distinctions, as you only live up in between my ears anyway.

TA:

*I am ready for you to die. Might as well be, it could happen and it is not

under my control. I am ready for anything without thoughts contrary to

" readiness. "

*I am ready for you to live. Yes!!!!! I am ready to stop thinking about

you as one who is going to die but rather as one who is here. If I lived this

turnaround today I would be there for you, present with you, present with me,

grateful for you.

*I am not ready for you to live; when I think of you living with this disease

my thoughts go to how horrible it must be for you (and I can't know that

that's true).

*I am ready for me to die. ? Not really! Harder to put this one down.

Are we ready to die at the time of our death? Do we have a choice? Merits

more investigation.

*I am ready for me to live; yes, to live my life in spite of all my efforts

not to by delaying it when I attach to painful thoughts.

*I am ready for my thinking to die. Apparently not yet, and I'm working on

it.

Thanks, Family.

Love, Carol