!RE: For April/ Carol

[Guest guest]

Carol,

Well I am very happy to live in my Levis... lately I have been pretty

happy. The part that seems to bother me is a thought that if I do not

bother my husband, I am not " at fault " so his life will not be confused.

I took responsibility for much confusion.

I think that because my kids and I have done a lot of work (the

therapist is going to use my daughter for her book as she is so " put

together " despite abuse from her dad and she is articulate and came out

of this with enlightenment (all due to 4 questions I might add!) so I

have been living in a lot of bliss! I think:

We are on a good path because:

We do not run from our fears anymore

We talk more and appreciate ourselves and each other

We do the " work " on all confusion and we facilitate each other

The kids can " call me " on my confusion without fear and they do!

" Even the therapist thinks we are an amazing family! " LOL hey still

loving that LAA!!!!!

I didn't even freak out when I lost my bird... I had a real problem with

" losing a story " before.

Then I think:

He still has the capacity to refine my skills when I want to enjoy the

ones I have already! I don't want " this teacher " today! I want him to

just spare me for a month or two... I want a break from learning! Also,

I will admit to listening to him cry and freak out, I will admit to

being what I thought was present for him, and it made no difference at

all! I was left with hearing him blame, cry, tell me that now it is not

ALL my fault but that his dead mom is at fault too! His father also did

not love him the right way either. They are the reason he does not know

how to love the " right way " ... geeze.

I also listened to him say that to love another unconditionally is to

give up on them, that it is more important to want " more for someone "

and to expect more from them. I saw confusion but it was the same

stuff, why I listened to him is my problem. He was crying, so this means

I must be " present " for someone in distress. Well I should be present

for ME!

This is still a hard one for me. When I hear him cry and freak out, I

feel like reaching my hand out to comfort, despite all that has

happened, I can't turn on one who is crying and sad. That is a biggie

for me to work on.. yep, the TA's are gulps in my throat...

When my husband cries and freaks out I should comfort him.

True? The proof of it? Well I do... and I can't know if this comforts

him at all!

So if that is my agenda, this is not true.

How do I feel when I think this thought?

Well, when he calls like that, I feel compelled to stay on the line. I

feel compelled to " talk him down " . I feel like his business is out of

control and he wants me to wear it on my shoulders. I do not like it,

yet I feel that somehow because he calls me, I must have some part in it

and I don't know what that is! What am I supposed to do? I do what I

can and that is " comfort " and he just continues to do what he does. He

hangs up and I remember him " freaking out " .

If I dropped this thought how would I be in his presence when he called

crying and freaking out? Well, I would probably tell him that his

problems are confusing to me too. That would be all I could do. I do

not understand what " comfort looks like to this person " and I would stay

in my own business. I would comfort me and take care of " my shoulders " .

yes...

The TA's are When my husband calls and freaks out:

I should comfort me.

My thinking should be " comforting toward confusion "

That is it.. I can notice confusion and remember how that feels, and let

it pass. That is not " my thought " , I do not have to attach to it. I

will take care of my confusion over what I think I " should do " . yes.

Nothing to do, just notice.

Living out my TA would be to notice confusion for both of us. I don't

know what to do for him, and I can tell him that I don't know. It is OK

not to know how to fix, if I even could! LOL I can allow him his

journey. Far more peaceful.

Thanks Carol, I needed to inquire.

Lovingly,

April