Re: Sincerely asking for a new way to look at this

[Guest guest]

GG,

As a parent of 4 children I often feel " empathy " and compassion. In a

round about way I realize that it comes from me and to me, but for the

every day living that I have with my terrific perfect children (one is

grounded at present for curfew!) that I have feelings that look very

" co-dependent " even from me at times.

Get this! My kids know this KT stuff REAL good... they tout it back at

me and when my daughter got grounded for multiple " offenses " (we had

agreed to what " we " wanted to use as rules for our family and the

consequences) she THANKED me! Yeah, she said " wow, I see that I have

used you as an excuse to use a story to behave in a way that I would

like to change. " SHOCK... She is thrilled to have " grounded for a week "

and to take time for herself and studies. She loves that I " noticed " so

that she too could " notice " . (Of course there is a party on Wednesday

that she will miss and it " kills me " that she will miss it, probably

more than it " kills her " ...LOL <smile>)

I don't usually intellectualize this stuff and dig it up unless I feel

" icky inside " . I remember falling off my skateboard, I remember having

a scary auto accident, and I remember feeling very scared for medical

procedures etc, and naturally I think we want to be there for our kids.

When I notice how smart, strong and compassionate they are, they seem to

notice it too! LOL I love it when we notice such good feelings.

I am not sure I am answering your question, I used to really feel

responsible for just about everything that happened around me. If the

kids were not " perfect " it was my fault, if they got a cold it was

because I took them to the mall and let germy people get them sick. (I

had a husband doctor who helped to remind me that it was my fault!) I

believed all of it! I find that now when he calls and says that the

reason the kids do not like him is all my fault , I have my buttons

pressed! I think I believe him! When I tell the kids that they can have

compassion for their dad as he is sometimes confused like all of us,

they say " yeah? " and that means? They set me straight right away! I

realize that my ability to " drop old ways of thinking " is connected to

some evolutional ways of change and this old dog is learning new tricks

at just the right speed it seems. The kids get this stuff amazingly

fast. They feel compassion for themselves and empathy for their own

folly, and can forgive, that doesn't mean that they " keep the story " .

They keep trying to get me to understand this one! I must have just the

kids I need to have! LOL Seems like the people we love in our life

are perfect teachers.

Lovingly,

April

[Guest guest]

Hi All -

My young son was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes two years ago. This

has been an amazing and difficult journey for us. There is an element

of ever present, alert awareness that goes with treating this dis-

ease and it gets really tiring. I think " stay in the now " (which

ironically, I need to do to keep him alive) but I get stuck in all

the planning needed for this lifestyle.

I have tried on all kinds of different " stories " to explain this

illness and have chucked them all.

I find myself grateful many days for the closenes and self awareness

that this has brought to our family - no time for a lot of the usual

crap. However, to be with him as he suffers in pain is hurtful, to

say the least.

Facing MOUNTAINS of uneducated judgements that come my way also

hurts. (No, I did not raise my kid on TWINKIES!!!!!) It is an auto

immune disorder - in medical terms - not the same disease as Type 2

diabetes.

I saw a thread here about empathy actually being lack of boundries. I

don't know about that. (And I truly mean I don't KNOW about it) I can

feel it - physically - when one of my kids jumps out of a tree, has

an IV put in, or eats in on a skateboard!

I do know how to distance myself enough to be efficient in a crisis

and all of that, but I have not seen a new way to think about this,

live with it.

That is what I am asking for here.

I see so many very thought-full people here, really looking into

themsleves - that I would value your ideas on this.

*****Last November I was diagnosed with an extremely rare form of

cancer (at that time there were 19 cases of it " on the books " as the

oncologist was known to say). For me, it was a gift, an opportunity

to go much deeper into my self, to explore and examine and inquire

into the stories that I was living as well as a premiere opportunity

to see the fictional nature of it all. In the process (and

throughout the treatment), there was an apparent dropping away of a

concern for the fictional self and the appearance of sufficient love

to be almost unbearable. Looking back at it, it is as a dream, not a

nightmare (despite the physical challenges it entailed).

You sound like you are doing a fine job ( " I do know how to distance

myself enough to be efficient in a crisis and all of that " ). But you

express dissatisfaction also, " I have not seen a new way to think

about this, live with it. " Can you be more explicit? Perhaps I am

dense or insensitive here, but I am having difficulty understanding

what it is that troubles you.

~andy

[Guest guest]

fairyscrapmother wrote:

> Hi All -

>

> My young son was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes two years ago. This

has been

> an amazing and difficult journey for us. There is an element of ever

present,

> alert awareness that goes with treating this dis-ease and it gets

really

> tiring. I think " stay in the now " (which ironically, I need to do to

keep him

> alive) but I get stuck in all the planning needed for this lifestyle.

Ever read the book Raw Family by I think Boutenko? I have a lot of

first cousins - lost count of how many people in my family have

diabetes. Interesting book with supposedly a cure for juvenile

diabetes - true story.

>

> I see so many very thought-full people here, really looking into

themsleves-

> that I would value your ideas on this.

I don't have any ideas. Whatever I say I don't think would be

relevant or helpful to you but really helpful to me.

Would love to see you take you most charged belief and perhaps work it

here.

Blessings - Jan

[Guest guest]

>

> I see so many very thought-full people here, really looking into

> themsleves- that I would value your ideas on this.

>

Hi GG,

Some thoughts

Your sons disease CANNOT cause you pain ONLY your THINKING can cause

you to feel anything. Very difficult to see this sometimes

So where to begin? May I suggest that you write down all the

stressful stories (thoughts) that are causing you pain, and then undo

them with the four questions and the turn around.

For example some thoughts you might bring to inquiry could be:

" My son should not have Type 1 diabetes. "

" I would be happier if my son did not have Type 1 diabetes. "

" I can feel my sons pain. "

" My son would be happier if he did not have Type 1 diabetes. "

" God is cruel. "

If you need any further help in asking the four questions, I am sure

someone here would love to help you.

Love,

Neo

[Guest guest]

Jan

I know the Boutenkos from when they came to San Diego. Interesting family.

Don't know how true their story is. I was a raw foodist for a year and I

felt as good as I had in twenty years.

Fairy...

Good luck with your child

Steve

STEVE

Re: Sincerely asking for a new way to look at this

fairyscrapmother wrote:

> Hi All -

>

> My young son was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes two years ago. This

has been

> an amazing and difficult journey for us. There is an element of ever

present,

> alert awareness that goes with treating this dis-ease and it gets

really

> tiring. I think " stay in the now " (which ironically, I need to do to

keep him

> alive) but I get stuck in all the planning needed for this lifestyle.

Ever read the book Raw Family by I think Boutenko? I have a lot of first

cousins - lost count of how many people in my family have diabetes.

Interesting book with supposedly a cure for juvenile diabetes - true story.

>

> I see so many very thought-full people here, really looking into

themsleves-

> that I would value your ideas on this.

I don't have any ideas. Whatever I say I don't think would be relevant or

helpful to you but really helpful to me.

Would love to see you take you most charged belief and perhaps work it here.

Blessings - Jan

[Guest guest]

Dear GG,

I hear that you want a new way of looking at your story. The 4 questions we use

to

inquire into our painful stories and thoughts is the best thing i've found for

looking at

things in a new way. I hear that you think the people on this list are

thoughtful and

really look into themselves. I see you doing some of the same! Maybe you could

try

identifying some of the stressful beliefs and thoughts you have related to your

son's

illness. Neo's post has some great suggestions.

Are you familiar with the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet? You can download it

from

the website or get it from katie's book. One suggestion would be to judge your

son's

diabetes, as if it were a person and then take your statements, one by one, and

pose

the four questions of each. You could post your work if you want feedback.

Love,

Heidi

> Hi All -

>

> My young son was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes two years ago. This has been

> an amazing and difficult journey for us. There is an element of ever present,

> alert awareness that goes with treating this dis-ease and it gets really

> tiring. I think " stay in the now " (which ironically, I need to do to keep him

> alive) but I get stuck in all the planning needed for this lifestyle.

>

> I have tried on all kinds of different " stories " to explain this illness and

> have chucked them all.

>

> I find myself grateful many days for the closenes and self awareness that

> this has brought to our family - no time for a lot of the usual crap.

However,

> to be with him as he suffers in pain is hurtful, to say the least.

>

> Facing MOUNTAINS of uneducated judgements that come my way also hurts. (No, I

> did not raise my kid on TWINKIES!!!!!) It is an auto immune disorder - in

> medical terms - not the same disease as Type 2 diabetes.

>

> I saw a thread here about empathy actually being lack of boundries. I don't

> know about that. (And I truly mean I don't KNOW about it) I can feel it -

> physically - when one of my kids jumps out of a tree, has an IV put in, or

eats

> in on a skateboard!

>

> I do know how to distance myself enough to be efficient in a crisis and all

> of that, but I have not seen a new way to think about this, live with it.

>

> That is what I am asking for here.

>

> I see so many very thought-full people here, really looking into themsleves-

> that I would value your ideas on this.

>

> Thank You

>

> - GG

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, GG. It's taken a couple of days for the words to come. Mine are

interspersed with yours below...

On Mon, Dec 15, 2003 at 04:26:48PM -0500, fairyscrapmother@... wrote:

> Hi All -

>

> My young son was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes two years ago. This

> has been an amazing and difficult journey for us. There is an

> element of ever present, alert awareness that goes with treating

> this dis-ease and it gets really tiring. I think " stay in the now "

> (which ironically, I need to do to keep him alive) but I get stuck

> in all the planning needed for this lifestyle.

>

> I have tried on all kinds of different " stories " to explain this

> illness and have chucked them all.

>

> I find myself grateful many days for the closenes and self awareness

> that this has brought to our family - no time for a lot of the usual

> crap. However, to be with him as he suffers in pain is hurtful, to

> say the least.

Yes, I hear that he has pain, and it's real pain for him. And I hear

that you have pain while being present to his pain, and your pain is

just as real for you. I hear that.

How wonderful that you and your family have grown through this

experience! And I hear that your pain is real.

> Facing MOUNTAINS of uneducated judgements that come my way also

> hurts. (No, I did not raise my kid on TWINKIES!!!!!) It is an auto

> immune disorder - in medical terms - not the same disease as Type 2

> diabetes.

What does it mean for you when you react to someone else's judgement?

What I've found for me is that when I react to someone else's

judgement, at some level I believe it, too, or at least fear that they

might be right. When I know that their judgement is about them, I also

know that it has nothing to do with me.

Have you considered doing The Work on concepts like these?

- " I am responsible for my son's disease. "

- " My son is responsible for his disease. "

- " If we had only done X, or not done Y, my son would not have become

sick. "

> I saw a thread here about empathy actually being lack of boundries.

> I don't know about that. (And I truly mean I don't KNOW about it) I

> can feel it - physically - when one of my kids jumps out of a tree,

> has an IV put in, or eats in on a skateboard!

I hear that you feel it physically when something painful happens to

one of your children. I often find myself having a physical sensation

when I watch or imagine someone else experiencing some kind of pain as

well. What I've noticed is that it doesn't matter whether there's an

actual person there in front of me, being in pain. If I see the event

in my mind's eye, even if it's not happening right now, I feel the

sensation. My conclusion, for me, is that what I'm feeling is a

response to my belief about how " it must " feel for the person I'm

seeing or imagining. If I don't see the event, I don't feel it. If I

do see the event, I feel it whether it's actually happening or not. So

it seems that in my case, the feeling it is based on what I see, not

on what's actually going on.

Might something like this be true for you?

> I do know how to distance myself enough to be efficient in a crisis

> and all of that, but I have not seen a new way to think about this,

> live with it.

>

> That is what I am asking for here.

>

> I see so many very thought-full people here, really looking into

> themsleves- that I would value your ideas on this.

I'm happy that you're here, GG, and I hope some of the responses have

been helpful to you. My belief is that each of us have our answers

inside. You're the teacher you can trust. So my invitation to you

would be to look into yourself for your answers. It may be that words

posted here might help you access your resources, and I hope that's

the case, but the resources that will truly help you are inside you.

That's my story, anyway.

lots of love,

Tom