Re: BIL's Passing

[Guest guest]

Thanks,

I know that hashing it all out won't bring him back and I am not

feeling quite as guilty. At the time I also was 7 months pregnant and

couldn't go in to see him as they didn't know what or how he had

gotten this (and still don't to this day). I think it is hard now

because my sister is having a really tough time with it being the one

year anniversary this weekend. She has really had a rough year. On

top of losing her husband, her father in law passed away a few months

ago from complications of a stroke.

I am hoping that once this one year anniversary is over that

things will get easier for my sister. The worst thing about all this

is that there is nothing I can do for my sister. I can't get him back

for her, I can't take away the hurt and lonliness.

I am getting better at it. I am really hard on myself and tend to

internalize a lot.

Thanks,

> In a message dated 06/16/2002 10:55:01 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

> abushrn@y... writes:

>

>

> > I know I shouldn't feel guilty because he may very well have died

anyway. I

> > have never told my sister how I feel. She is having a tough

enough time as

> > it is. She doesn't need to start questioning herself on if she

should have

> > or could have done something differently would he still be alive.

Plus she

> > doesn't need to worry about my feelings now. Maybe someday I will

bring it

> > up but not now.

>

> :

>

> Somehow, I think it may be something you never want to bring up -

unless she

> does. Both of you will always feel some guilt about what happened.

But,

> didn't y'all do the best you could at the very time the situation

occurred?

> Hashing out the guilt and the " what ifs " will never bring your BIL

back. It

> is very sad that he passed over the rainbow bridge so early in his life.

>

> I hope you and your sister will begin to focus on what a wonderful

thing it

> was to have him in your lives for the brief time you did. And, I

know both

> of you [she, of course, more than you] have very special pictures of

him in

> your hearts and minds that you will always treasure. Just think what a

> lesser world this would have been without him in it for his brief,

short

> time.

>

> You and your sister will be in my thoughts and prayers.

>

> {{{And Angel Kisses}}}

> Carol

>

> " In the little decisions of life, use your mind; in the big

decisions, use

> your heart. " ~author unknown~

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

In reading your post, you made me realize something that I

know but never really have put into words. I think my mother might

feel guilty for my condition because, when I was little I was sick

for many years they didn't find it. They kept telling her there was

nothing the matter with me and they finally stuck me in counseling

for my 'complaints' well it turned out I was very ill but they didn't

find it for several years past that. Most of my childhood was spent

either sick or finally on medication that I had reactions to but it

saved my life. What is wrong now is nothing related to when I was

younger. Sometimes my mom will say things now like 'I wish we could

take away your pain, we don't know what else to say' which is new for

her and preferable to her saying nothing at all or implying that I'm

not helping myself. I think she might feel guilty for not believing

how things are until recently.

As for my childhood, I realize that maybe she didn't know that you

can't walk away from doctors telling you there isn't anything wrong

when you know that there is something wrong with your child-she had

taken me to 3 different doctors who all said it was 'allergies' when

I'd have these symptoms. Just like I knew there was something wrong

with my back when they were telling me it was in my head. I think she

did the best she could at the time, she was in the middle of a

divorce when they finally found it. Anyway I have thought this before

about her feeling guilty but never considered that it would last this

long. We didn't talk for a long time because she couldn't say

anything supportive and just got annoyed with me for continuing to

have problems. Maybe I should talk to her about it at some point. So

far we have this unspoken new understanding that she's ok and I'm ok

which is nice but I still should tell her it's ok.

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 06/18/2002 11:14:28 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

abushrn@... writes:

> I am hoping that once this one year anniversary is over that things will get

> easier for my sister. The worst thing about all this is that there is

> nothing I can do for my sister. I can't get him back for her, I can't take

> away the hurt and lonliness.

> I am getting better at it. I am really hard on myself and tend to

> internalize a lot.

:

You're absolutely right about this. One thing for sure: your sister will

never, ever forget him and will always have him in her hurt, even when she is

able to begin her life again and in the future, maybe, find someone else that

will be right for her - but in a different way. I really hope she will be

able to do this as soon as possible. It was definitely a terrible thing to

have happened; and, like I said, I hope she will focus on the special

memories she has of him and use those to help her get on with her life.

{{{And Pain-free Wishes}}}

Carol

" In the little decisions of life, use your mind; in the big decisions, use

your heart " [author unknown]

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I know that my mom and dad were always in the mind set that the

doctor knows best. Like you I also was misdiagnosed at a fairly young

age. I began having headaches and my mom took me to the doctor who

said it was stress. My brother was a drug addict and had just gone

through treatment and our family life was in an upheaval. It made

sense to my mom. I continued to have headaches and no one ever

questioned that it could be anything else. I didn't question that it

was anything else. When I was finally diagnosed my mom had already

passed away. I also think she may have felt some guilt. I would have

told her not to. She did what she thought was best and that is all I

can expect out of anyone.

If I were you I would sit down with your mom and talk now. You

never know when your mom will be taken away. I never thought I would

lose my mom at the age of 20. Plus after all that I have been through

I have learned not to put off what you can do or say today because

there may not be a tomorrow.

> In reading your post, you made me realize something that I

> know but never really have put into words. I think my mother might

> feel guilty for my condition because, when I was little I was sick

> for many years they didn't find it. They kept telling her there was

> nothing the matter with me and they finally stuck me in counseling

> for my 'complaints' well it turned out I was very ill but they didn't

> find it for several years past that. Most of my childhood was spent

> either sick or finally on medication that I had reactions to but it

> saved my life. What is wrong now is nothing related to when I was

> younger. Sometimes my mom will say things now like 'I wish we could

> take away your pain, we don't know what else to say' which is new for

> her and preferable to her saying nothing at all or implying that I'm

> not helping myself. I think she might feel guilty for not believing

> how things are until recently.

> As for my childhood, I realize that maybe she didn't know that you

> can't walk away from doctors telling you there isn't anything wrong

> when you know that there is something wrong with your child-she had

> taken me to 3 different doctors who all said it was 'allergies' when

> I'd have these symptoms. Just like I knew there was something wrong

> with my back when they were telling me it was in my head. I think she

> did the best she could at the time, she was in the middle of a

> divorce when they finally found it. Anyway I have thought this before

> about her feeling guilty but never considered that it would last this

> long. We didn't talk for a long time because she couldn't say

> anything supportive and just got annoyed with me for continuing to

> have problems. Maybe I should talk to her about it at some point. So

> far we have this unspoken new understanding that she's ok and I'm ok

> which is nice but I still should tell her it's ok.

[Guest guest]

Hi Carol,

In her own way she is getting on with things. Two months ago she

went to Mexico with some of her widow friends and met someone and had

a really nice time with him. She has had a couple of dates. I give

her a lot of credit. I don't know if I would be as strong. At times

she talks about meeting someone else and getting married again one

day. She really wants to have children and and her were trying

and ended up having some infertility problems so she keeps saying she

will never have kids. I just keep telling her that she has plenty of

time left as we are only 32.

Thanks,

> In a message dated 06/18/2002 11:14:28 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

> abushrn@y... writes:

>

>

> > I am hoping that once this one year anniversary is over that

things will get

> > easier for my sister. The worst thing about all this is that

there is

> > nothing I can do for my sister. I can't get him back for her, I

can't take

> > away the hurt and lonliness.

> > I am getting better at it. I am really hard on myself and

tend to

> > internalize a lot.

>

> :

>

> You're absolutely right about this. One thing for sure: your

sister will

> never, ever forget him and will always have him in her hurt, even

when she is

> able to begin her life again and in the future, maybe, find someone

else that

> will be right for her - but in a different way. I really hope she

will be

> able to do this as soon as possible. It was definitely a terrible

thing to

> have happened; and, like I said, I hope she will focus on the special

> memories she has of him and use those to help her get on with her life.

>

> {{{And Pain-free Wishes}}}

> Carol

>

> " In the little decisions of life, use your mind; in the big

decisions, use

> your heart " [author unknown]

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

I think I will talk to her. The problem is any time any of it is

brought up, no matter what light, there is an attempt to change the

subject. I think perhaps some things are better left unsaid, because

there is implicit understanding but still...I am a more vocal person

about these things than some. Like you said, I do not want to regret

not saying anything one day. I think part of the problem is that

along with the illness that was inadvertantly overlooked, there was

abuse towards me by the spouse she finally divorced, and that was not

brought to light until years later.I tried telling her it's ok but

she couldn't even talk about it, or wouldn't. I suppose there is

some amount of guilt that is rightful in that situation, since there

is no excuse for not seeing the signs of something like that with a

child when you are in the same household but that's not why I brought

it up,it was about forgiveness. I suppose the two situations will

forever be tied in together. So, that is why we have had a silent

acceptance of eachother now. Thanks for your insightful input as I

take it all into consideration.

> > In reading your post, you made me realize something that

I

> > know but never really have put into words. I think my mother

might

> > feel guilty for my condition because, when I was little I was

sick

> > for many years they didn't find it. They kept telling her there

was

> > nothing the matter with me and they finally stuck me in

counseling

> > for my 'complaints' well it turned out I was very ill but they

didn't

> > find it for several years past that. Most of my childhood was

spent

> > either sick or finally on medication that I had reactions to but

it

> > saved my life. What is wrong now is nothing related to when I was

> > younger. Sometimes my mom will say things now like 'I wish we

could

> > take away your pain, we don't know what else to say' which is new

for

> > her and preferable to her saying nothing at all or implying that

I'm

> > not helping myself. I think she might feel guilty for not

believing

> > how things are until recently.

> > As for my childhood, I realize that maybe she didn't know that

you

> > can't walk away from doctors telling you there isn't anything

wrong

> > when you know that there is something wrong with your child-she

had

> > taken me to 3 different doctors who all said it was 'allergies'

when

> > I'd have these symptoms. Just like I knew there was something

wrong

> > with my back when they were telling me it was in my head. I think

she

> > did the best she could at the time, she was in the middle of a

> > divorce when they finally found it. Anyway I have thought this

before

> > about her feeling guilty but never considered that it would last

this

> > long. We didn't talk for a long time because she couldn't say

> > anything supportive and just got annoyed with me for continuing

to

> > have problems. Maybe I should talk to her about it at some point.

So

> > far we have this unspoken new understanding that she's ok and I'm

ok

> > which is nice but I still should tell her it's ok.

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 06/19/2002 11:29:00 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

abushrn@... writes:

> In her own way she is getting on with things. Two months ago she went to

> Mexico with some of her widow friends and met someone and had a really nice

> time with him. She has had a couple of dates. I give her a lot of credit.

> I don't know if I would be as strong. At times she talks about meeting

> someone else and getting married again one day.

:

Sounds like a pretty strong, special sister you have. I'm like you, don't

know if I could do what she is doing.

{{{And Angel Kisses}}}

Carol

" In the little decisions of life, use your mind; in the big decisions, use

your heart. " ~author unknown~

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 06/19/2002 5:34:14 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

melifluousone@... writes:

> I suppose there is some amount of guilt that is rightful in that situation,

> since there is no excuse for not seeing the signs of something like that

> with a child when you are in the same household but that's not why I

> brought it up, it was about forgiveness. I suppose the two situations will

> forever be tied in together.

:

I think you are right that in most cases the non-abusing adult should know

what's going on; but, maybe in a few instances that don't; in others I think

they can't bear to admit that it is happening. Perhaps really talking with

your Mom another time will help her to forgive herself. Then maybe she can

get on with having a good relationship with you. I may be that she doesn't

think or believe that you will ever forgive her. So, it may take many, many

talks with her before she can forgive herself. She won't ever forget it, but

maybe she will come to the point that she can forgive herself. That is, of

course, presuming that you have forgiven her about the earlier abuse [sounded

like to me you had]. Like her, you will never forget, but you can forgive.

I hope things will work out with you and your Mom.

{{{And Angel Kisses}}}

Carol

" In the little decisions of life, use your mind; in the big decisions, use

your heart. " ~author unknown~

[Guest guest]

I think you are right that in most cases the non-abusing adult should

know

what's going on; but, maybe in a few instances that don't; in others

I think

they can't bear to admit that it is happening. Perhaps really talking

with

your Mom another time will help her to forgive herself.

I agree with everything you have written entirely and have said as

much to my mother...believe me when I tell you I've tried to talk to

her and not for any other reason than this. I think she must know by

now after all the attempts I've made! I'd just like to have heard her

say it outloud, that she understands what is what and that she's ok

and I'm not resenting her at all... My mother and my stepfather do

not like the reference being made to that time no matter what the

reason. In any event, she once said that my father (the abusive birth

father) whom I cut off contact with, that he was a 'sperm donor' : )

My mom is such a good person. Maybe I'll just tell her that! Thank

You so much, (logging off against her will by boyfriend!)