Guest guest Posted January 2, 2003 Report Share Posted January 2, 2003 Thanks, . I am feeling a little better. It is *not* my fault. I have done nothing wrong. But the societal/FOO message of " she didn't even see her own mother on Christmas " is making me feel like a villian. It is hard to shed this conditioning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 2, 2003 Report Share Posted January 2, 2003 Carol, Thank you for the ticker tape parade. I know I have made huge strides, it is totally against my nature to not do what " they " expect, but I have to focus on the the fact that I do deserve to be happy, even if everything in me, because of the brainwashing and verbal abuse, tells me that I don't. This list and the support here confirms that I am not alone in going through this. It is truly the one place where I can check in and not one time has anyone here ever said " you're crazy, you need help, you just care about yourself! " I think it is very, very hard for anyone who has not been raised by a nada and fada to validate our feelings and stories, because it is all so horrifying sometimes. Telling some of my very close friends, girls I have known since college, about BPD and my mother and sister, has not exactly been helpful, and has prompted countering responses from some-- doubting that my mother could behave the way she does, and doubting my communication skills, as I should be nicer to my mother and tell her how I feel. I think we all know here that opening up to nada is like waving a red flag at a bull. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 2, 2003 Report Share Posted January 2, 2003 >From: tiaraflower@... >Reply-To: ModOasis >To: ModOasis >Subject: Very Big FOG >Date: Wed, 1 Jan 2003 22:21:35 EST > >But I guess I feel guilty, because (gulp) I had a nice Christmas and New >Years Eve. Very calm, no drama, no violence, no substance abuse to contend >with. I felt so sad when I read your post becuase it is SO familiar to me. Good for you for having a nice holiday though! - you DO deserve it - you are being so strong and wonderful. Only you can give you the life you deserve. I felt that same guilt since it was my first holidays w/o my nada - so much so that it forced me to seek out this group (thank goodness!). I also did not recieve any Christmas cards from my family - nothing - even for my son. But it was worth it - it's the first Christmas I've enjoyed in years. Not having to worry about someone " setting off " my nada was an incredible relief. Also, just being able to enjoy giving and receiving gifts w/o her constant negative commentary was SOOOO nice!!! Bless you for being so strong! JB _________________________________________________________________ STOP MORE SPAM with the new MSN 8 and get 2 months FREE* http://join.msn.com/?page=features/junkmail Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 2, 2003 Report Share Posted January 2, 2003 You made healthy choices and it's not the norm, so you feel uncomfortable. This is where you learn the attituce adjustment that I was talking to Jules about. You have learned one set of values and to go against them leads to guilt. Now you need to learn that to make a healthy choice is good for you and that you are not resposible for how others feel about your choices...actually how do you know how they really feel? Nadas always feel bad when we don't do what they expect or want...like a child denied a toy...sorry, none of us gets everything we want because everyone makes choices of time, money and energy. You can't pls everyone, so please yourself! (wasnt that a song?) lol... I got something on another list that came from AA...expectations are actually premeditated resentment! how true with nadas!! and resentment is only anger about unmet needs or wants so..... Ilene tiaraflower@... wrote: > I think I'm having a big FOG relapse. I feel like I am such a terrible > person for not seeing my nada on Christmas or New Years, and maybe I > am being > too much of a hard ass. I'm so hard on myself, and I do have a > tendency to > be hard on others. > > Nada left me a message the day after the holiday, and she sounded so > sad and > she said she missed me. But I know it is a hoover, but I feel bad > for her, > too. She lost her husband, she is all alone down there where she lives, > she's not a great driver so she avoids the highways and I have > *always* been > there. > > I did not get one Christmas card from anyone in my family, though to > be fair > I moved and didn't give anyone a forwarding address. But not even my > aunt > and cousins, and I think my BPD sister's distortion campaign has really > worked well for her. > > But I guess I feel guilty, because (gulp) I had a nice Christmas and New > Years Eve. Very calm, no drama, no violence, no substance abuse to > contend > with. And I missed them a little, I missed my nephews so, so much, and I > cannot believe that this is me. It is like I have morphed into > someone with > very strong boundaries and limits and I'm not used to this person I am > becoming and today I feel like a meanie. I want to call everyone and say > " never mind, never mind, it really is my fault " But I can't go back > either, > and I feel really alone. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 2, 2003 Report Share Posted January 2, 2003 This societal/FOO nonsense makes me think of something a therapist told me that was very helpful. I think of it whenever nada or one of her fans lays that " honor thy parents " crapola on me. " Just because she is you mother doesn't mean that you have to love her " Doug > Thanks, . I am feeling a little better. It is *not* my fault. I have > done nothing wrong. But the societal/FOO message of " she didn't even see her > own mother on Christmas " is making me feel like a villian. It is hard to > shed this conditioning. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 2, 2003 Report Share Posted January 2, 2003 It was hard for me to admit I didn't love my nada, but how can I? I'm human and as a child I wasn't " loved " and accepted...you can only give back what you know! Ilene Doug wrote: > This societal/FOO nonsense makes me think of something a therapist > told me that was very helpful. I think of it whenever nada or one of > her fans lays that " honor thy parents " crapola on me. > > " Just because she is you mother doesn't mean that you have to love her " > > Doug > > > > Thanks, . I am feeling a little better. It is *not* my fault. > I have > > done nothing wrong. But the societal/FOO message of " she didn't > even see her > > own mother on Christmas " is making me feel like a villian. It is > hard to > > shed this conditioning. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 2, 2003 Report Share Posted January 2, 2003 It was hard for me to admit I didn't love my nada, but how can I? I'm human and as a child I wasn't " loved " and accepted...you can only give back what you know! Ilene Doug wrote: > This societal/FOO nonsense makes me think of something a therapist > told me that was very helpful. I think of it whenever nada or one of > her fans lays that " honor thy parents " crapola on me. > > " Just because she is you mother doesn't mean that you have to love her " > > Doug > > > > Thanks, . I am feeling a little better. It is *not* my fault. > I have > > done nothing wrong. But the societal/FOO message of " she didn't > even see her > > own mother on Christmas " is making me feel like a villian. It is > hard to > > shed this conditioning. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 3, 2003 Report Share Posted January 3, 2003 I'm very happy you have nice holidays. I congratulate you on your strength and resolve. I bet your nada is milking this for emotional pay-off. They usually do. Think of it as your gift to her if you can. I gave my nada a gift in a sense also by my also spending the holdays alone. Think of all the drama and histrionics she got to perform for all her extended family! I heard they paid for a last minute plane ticket for her to spend New Years with her sister in Atlanta so she wouldn't be " all alone. " I sure she enjoyed it all immensely. M. > But I guess I feel guilty, because (gulp) I had a nice Christmas and New > Years Eve. Very calm, no drama, no violence, no substance abuse to contend > with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.