Incredible Guilt

[Guest guest]

I've never been a member of a group before, but I need help with my

borderline mother. I'm 32 years old / happily married with 5 mo. old

beautiful son.

Long story short....just me and my drug addict teenage mom all my

life. The abuse was severe verbal/mental and physical - coming to a

peak when I was high school. I always blamed it on the drugs. She

went into rehab when I was 18 (last ditch effort to keep me at home I

believe) I moved to a different town anyway.

I was proud of her for getting clean, and I thought her behavior

would get better as she healed and grew in her recovery - and at

times she seemed to be loving and " normal " . I myself went through

some intense counseling and therapy that I credit for saving my

life. We had a rocky relationship over the next 12 years, but since

we lived in different towns it was mostly positive. (Although, in

hindsight, there were many episodes with her that were extremely

unhealthy.)

When I got married 3 years ago, she was very supportive and helpful

(except for one bizarre episode) and we grew much closer during that

time - often talking on the phone for hours. When I became pregnant

with my son, she moved to the town where we live to be closer to us

and her other family.

That's when the problems began - she respected no boundaries - made

up bizarre stories about me and told them to anyone who would listen,

and she raged & raged & raged. No amount of attention we could pay

her was enough. That's when I started doing some research - she fits

borderline personality disorder to a T.

The problem is that I can't stand to have her in my life. I don't

want her around her my son - AT ALL. She has no control over the

things she says or does. After three months of this there was

a " final straw " incident where I wrote her a letter stating that I

felt she had an illness and wanted no further contact with her until

she was well. The smear campaign has been brutal and endless - none

of my extended family is speaking to me except one aunt. That's not

the problem - the promlem is the GUILT. I'm going crazy - I'ts

eating me alive. I can't afford counseling right now as I'm not

working so that I can be home with my son. I read " Stop Walking on

Eggshells " which was fine - but what I really wanted to know is - IS

IT OKAY FOR ME TO JUST EXCLUDE HER FROM OUR LIVES UNTIL SHE GETS

HELP???? Basically I know that it is, but there's that voice inside

me that says I'm cruel for cutting her off since she has no one else

in her life. I've read article after article that says how to live

with someone who had BPD but nothing that says when it's okay to bail

and not feel bad about it.

Any insight would help - thanks. JB

[Guest guest]

It's plenty okay to bail when someone in your1life is abusive!!!! There

are plenty of us here that have. You may feel guilty for awhile because

she and society gives us these expectations of how families work. You

might like to read " Toxic Parents " , " Emotional Abuse " , and " Codepedent

No More " , to help you heal. If there is a mental health chapter near

you for families of the mentally ill, you could go to their meetings for

support. We're here tho and imho we generally have pretty good

insights...learned the hard way, of course. Welcome and post

away...it's helps you heal!

Ilene

jenbrown32000 wrote:

> I've never been a member of a group before, but I need help with my

> borderline mother. I'm 32 years old / happily married with 5 mo. old

> beautiful son.

>

> Long story short....just me and my drug addict teenage mom all my

> life. The abuse was severe verbal/mental and physical - coming to a

> peak when I was high school. I always blamed it on the drugs. She

> went into rehab when I was 18 (last ditch effort to keep me at home I

> believe) I moved to a different town anyway.

>

> I was proud of her for getting clean, and I thought her behavior

> would get better as she healed and grew in her recovery - and at

> times she seemed to be loving and " normal " . I myself went through

> some intense counseling and therapy that I credit for saving my

> life. We had a rocky relationship over the next 12 years, but since

> we lived in different towns it was mostly positive. (Although, in

> hindsight, there were many episodes with her that were extremely

> unhealthy.)

>

> When I got married 3 years ago, she was very supportive and helpful

> (except for one bizarre episode) and we grew much closer during that

> time - often talking on the phone for hours. When I became pregnant

> with my son, she moved to the town where we live to be closer to us

> and her other family.

>

> That's when the problems began - she respected no boundaries - made

> up bizarre stories about me and told them to anyone who would listen,

> and she raged & raged & raged. No amount of attention we could pay

> her was enough. That's when I started doing some research - she fits

> borderline personality disorder to a T.

>

> The problem is that I can't stand to have her in my life. I don't

> want her around her my son - AT ALL. She has no control over the

> things she says or does. After three months of this there was

> a " final straw " incident where I wrote her a letter stating that I

> felt she had an illness and wanted no further contact with her until

> she was well. The smear campaign has been brutal and endless - none

> of my extended family is speaking to me except one aunt. That's not

> the problem - the promlem is the GUILT. I'm going crazy - I'ts

> eating me alive. I can't afford counseling right now as I'm not

> working so that I can be home with my son. I read " Stop Walking on

> Eggshells " which was fine - but what I really wanted to know is - IS

> IT OKAY FOR ME TO JUST EXCLUDE HER FROM OUR LIVES UNTIL SHE GETS

> HELP???? Basically I know that it is, but there's that voice inside

> me that says I'm cruel for cutting her off since she has no one else

> in her life. I've read article after article that says how to live

> with someone who had BPD but nothing that says when it's okay to bail

> and not feel bad about it.

>

> Any insight would help - thanks. JB

>

>

>

>

>

> To get off the list, send a blank message to

> ModOasis-unsubscribe . Send questions & amp; concerns to

> ModOasis-owner . & quot;Stop Walking on Eggshells, & quot;

> a primer for non-BPs can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL ().

> For the table of contents, see http://www.BPDCentral.com

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

<< IT OKAY FOR ME TO JUST EXCLUDE HER FROM OUR LIVES UNTIL SHE GETS

HELP???? >>

This relates to my last post, about my ex-wife brainwashing my boys

against me. She also, I don't know how, isolated me permanently from

all of her relatives and all of our shared friends.

You have the right to exclude her from your life. It is the only way

you will remain sane. Don't expect that she will get help. Consider

it a gift if it happens. It really, really hurts to be excluded from

your family. I don't know how a BPD person can have this power, but

it seems to be the facts of life.

Ask yourself, if they are swayed by her lies, how much support could

they give you anyway? The only choice is to find your support

network elsewhere.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

Hearing that your mother called you a " french whore " gave me a jolt

of anger, at the insult to you and to my adopted country.

Why would someone use this term? The most commonly abused word in

French is " p*** " (whore). I think it is almost always true that when

someone calls someone else a name, they are projecting their feelings

about themselves. It has nothing to do with you.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

My nada can't maintain relationships either. So she ends up all alone. She

also trained me to feel that we had to stick together. It's hard to get rid of

the guilt.

She just pounded into my head for 18 years that we " only had each

other " and had to " stick together " . Etc, etc. And due that fact

that she cannot mantain a relationship, friendship or even a job I

often feel guilty becase she is so alone. But I have to keep

reminding myself that she chooses that life for herself.

[Guest guest]

> The problem is that I can't stand to have her in my life. I don't

> want her around her my son - AT ALL. She has no control over the

> things she says or does.

Hallmarks of BPD and the number 1 reason that I don't have any

contact w/nada for the past 12 months. I have a 2 year old son and

have kept him away from her for the past 8 months.

> That's not the problem - the promlem is the GUILT. I'm going

> crazy - I'ts eating me alive.

I have wrestled with major guilt over our estrangement, but it is

getting easier to deal with. My achilles heel for the longest time

was preventing a relationship between the two of them, which I said I

would never do. That is, until I realized that it was crucial to our

survival. I see a therapist 2x/month which helps. I also stay home

with my son so I understand how finances can be tight. Post and read

here - it will help.

> IS IT OKAY FOR ME TO JUST EXCLUDE HER FROM OUR LIVES UNTIL SHE GETS

> HELP????

Oh yes, oh yes, OH YES!!! It is more than OK, it is necesary.

> Basically I know that it is, but there's that voice inside

> me that says I'm cruel for cutting her off since she has no one

> else in her life.

That voice inside your head is her voice. Don't listen to it. I'm

sure she doesn't have your voice in her head saying treat your

daughter with respect.

I don't think that you are bailing, you are just taking care of

yourself and that's OK. You are on the right road, just keep going!

Trish

[Guest guest]

> Unfortunately, my son was old enough to feel it was his fault for

> reporting her behavior. Had I acted sooner instead of hiding from

> the truth he would not have gone thru those emotions.

My son is the primary motivator for me getting things straight in my

head about nada. I don't want him to be hurt by her like I was hurt

by her.

> Take care of yourself so that you can take care of your son. Never,

> never, never, never think she won't expose him to her world. She is

> a vampire and she needs new victims. She will never get help.

Truer words were never spoken.

> There is no guilt in protecting your son that is what mothers are

> for.

These words are so poignant. Sadly, we didn't HAVE this kind of

mother, be we can BE this kind of mother. It's my life's work.

Trish

[Guest guest]

Dear Dan,

Thank you for your posts. Although my mom called me lots of things when I

was growing up, " french whore " was frequent and it stuck with me becuase

even at a young age I thought it was a strange thing to call someone. I've

never heard anyone else say it since; I often thought it must've come from

somewhere in her past. At least I had the sense to know that at 5 years

old, I couldn't possibly be a whore. I guess that's the thing with my mom -

some of the things she says are so outrageous that it amazes me people

actually believe her! She's very convincing though.

I'm sorry about your sons,

JB

>

>Reply-To: ModOasis

>To: ModOasis

>Subject: Re: Incredible Guilt

>Date: Tue, 31 Dec 2002 11:20:30 -0000

>

>Hearing that your mother called you a " french whore " gave me a jolt

>of anger, at the insult to you and to my adopted country.

>

>Why would someone use this term? The most commonly abused word in

>French is " p*** " (whore). I think it is almost always true that when

>someone calls someone else a name, they are projecting their feelings

>about themselves. It has nothing to do with you.

>

>- Dan

>

>

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[Guest guest]

I'm sure she doesn't have your voice in her head saying treat your

> daughter with respect.

>

Trish -

Thank you so much! I laughed out loud when I read that! You are so

right. I also swore I wouldn't keep my son from my mom, but that was

before I experienced her most recent wild raging & etc. Now I know

that I need to protect him. He is so bright and happy and alive and

even if she didn't directly damage him, just being around her

persistent negativity would take a toll on him (as it did me).

When I'm feeling paticularly guilty (Christmas was a kicker!) I

remind myself that even if I did " make up " with her, I still could

never leave her alone with my son no matter what (she's often told me

about how I was such a colicky infant that she used two fingers

to " slap " me) and since she doesn't want me around when she's with

him (I " stare " at her) then it's just one big mute point.

I'm so happy to have found this group!

P.S. What does nada stand for?

[Guest guest]

- but what I really wanted to know is - IS

IT OKAY FOR ME TO JUST EXCLUDE HER FROM OUR LIVES UNTIL SHE GETS

HELP????

>>YES, it is OK. I just recently divorced my nada. I, too had such feelings of

guilt. I posted here and received so much support that I was able to finally

cut the ties. My nada is not old in age, but she acts old. She's always sick

and was blaming her latest illness on me. I tried maintaining a relationship,

but she would not respect the boundaries, so I ended it.

Basically I know that it is, but there's that voice inside

me that says I'm cruel for cutting her off since she has no one else

in her life. I've read article after article that says how to live

with someone who had BPD but nothing that says when it's okay to bail

and not feel bad about it.

>>>You are not being cruel. You have to protect your family and your son. My

kids were around my nada for one week this past summer and they hated it. They

saw her for the miserable old woman she is. I think part of the guilt for me,

was that she is the one who gave birth to me, but she was never a mother. I've

had to mourn the fact that I don't (and have never had) a mother.

It was a grieving process for me, but I have accepted it.

Hang in there, you can do it,

Hania