Re: Depression/NH's/Care for the Caregiver

[Guest guest]

Betty,

I remember your posts and am glad to have you back. I wish you hadn't had

such a rough time of it though and hope we can be there for you, LBD or

otherwise.

Kath

Depression/NH's/Care for the Caregiver

> Mornin' all,

>

> I have been reading posts for several days, trying to get a sense of

what's

> going on in the lives of others on the forum. It is also time to write

about

> what has kept me away as well as what brought me back. This may be long,

so

> forgive me, but I must get this over with and move on.

>

> Like many, a year ago I was searching websites to find some connection to

the

> hell my mom was experiencing. Finding this site was a blessing. I signed

on

> just about the same time as Russ , Feb 23, a day after Mom's 79th

> birthday. My involvement was perhaps obsessive. At the same time it gave

me

> answers to the problems with my mom, it also gave me an avenue of denial

to ignore

> many other things going on in my life.

>

> I vowed for a lifetime that I would never place my mom in a care facility

and

> was determined to do everything in my power to keep her home. My

disability

> from double foot surgery 6 months prior in Oct '02 was up. On my return

to

> work, I gave up my management position of 7 years with GNC and went to

work part

> time, choosing shifts when others in my household would be available to

help

> with her care.

>

> In Aug '01 I was divorced. and I reconciled off and on several times

> since. He was living with me and I believed we were making progress

toward our

> friendship, but his battle with addiction had, since Jan '02, become of

> concern. It was easier to put my energy into caring for Mom and ignoring

other

> essential areas of my life.

>

> May '02 is the magic month, the true ending of one phase of my life, but

the

> graceful beginning of another. The beginning of the month started with

> efforts to become a caregiver for my mom through a state program called

COPES. I

> was paid six hours a day, each day of the month, to be her Individual

Provider

> for in-home care.

>

> During the second week of May, I was privileged to attend the Caring

Counts!

> Conference in Sacramento, CA where we distributed packets of info and got

a

> sense of how little was known about LBD. My mom was ill prior to my

leaving

> home but due to the fluctuations that occur and reactions to medications,

my

> ex-husband assured me she would be OK. While at the conference, I

received word

> she had been admitted to the hospital and had suffered a heart attack.

Once

> back home, I began dealing with hospital issues, informing of LBD, making

> contact with her PCP, having all medications stopped, planning for return

home

> w/oxygen supplies for emphysema, in addition to realizing all was not well

on the

> home front.

>

> Mom came home on May 18th. One week later left to get a backhoe to

> replant some trees and that was the end of our relationship. All the

messages of

> deceit were apparent at the time, but my focus was on Mom. told me

he

> was getting his life together and blah, blah, blah....it only later became

true

> that it was just a lie, a front so to speak.

>

> I became Mom's caretaker for the state beginning in June. The new

> medications we were trying did not work well. She took herself off the

oxygen within a

> month and began her 2 pack a day habit one more time (65 years worth). My

> sanity was this group and my involvement increased with the formation of

the

> LBDA. June and July are really pretty much a blur. So many situations

with Mom

> and her resistance to taking meds, thinking I was poisoning her food and

drink,

> suffering from ever-present auditory hallucinations (she's worn a hearing

aid

> for over thirty years which has contributed greatly to her isolation and

> predisposition to this type of hallucinations). During the previous

winter she

> had cataract surgery which seemed to alleviate most of the visual kind (be

> cautious of anesthesia).

>

> Someday, I may tell stories of her outrageous behavior and laugh, because

> that is how I got through a lot of long nights and battles. It was only

when Mom

> became overly interested in the knives, especially the long fat ones.

Then

> she set fire to her closet by putting out a cigarette butt in the sleeve

of one

> of her flannel shirts. Fortunately, it only burnt up about 6 inches then

> went out and didn't ignite the oxygen tanks underneath. Time for

intervention.

>

> Now things really start happening in my life and in Mom's. August 4th I

> called Mental Health Intervention Services to have Mom committed for

evaluation

> and med stabilization. Four days later my son informed me that my ex had

been

> living with another woman, just happened to be my neighbor who had

recently

> been evicted from her home due to a lein placed on her property due to

some

> County access issue was also involved with. I later found out they

had gotten

> a place together just three weeks after he left and exactly one month

after

> the lien and notice to vacate was placed on her property. The forclosure

was

> in process already. They had been involved for nearly a year and planning

to

> leave since January, her divorce final one month earlier in December.

>

> As if confronting my denial wasn't enough, the next day my ex comes to my

> house, drunk and tries to take off with my car. I ordered him off my

property

> and told him not to come back without arranging ahead of time and without

being

> drunk or high.

> So many issues were confronting me as I had to decide whether to go on

with

> my plans to attend the LBD Caregivers gathering in La Crosse, Wisconsin.

My

> heart was not in packing for the long drive ahead. While Mom was being

cared

> for by the professionals, I figured I could afford the time instead of

sitting

> around on the pity pot.

> I left two days later only to get a call the second day on the road saying

> that Mom was being released. I had battled the idea of temporary

placement for

> her and had to make a decision right then. Via phone arrangements, she

was

> placed in Shelton Health and Rehabilitation and has been there since.

>

> The trip to the gathering was well worth it. In addition to meeting some

> wonderful people, there was the opportunity for thought during my travel

to and

> from. It is simply amazing to me how a life can change so quickly. I had

been

> praying that things would change in my life, that 50 would be a

transitional

> stage for me. I am learning the every time I say never, later I will be

found

> choking on those words. Also, the old adage, be careful what you ask for,

is

> alive and well. It is just the package that it was delivered in that I

have

> had the biggest problem with.

>

> Which brings me to the point of depression and caring for the caretaker.

> Depression has been my companion since I was a teenager. Being a

caretaker

> became my life. What fate allowed me since last summer is the opportunity

to take

> care of myself, a most challenging experience, I must say. While all has

been

> turned upside down, I have had to look at my life from a totally different

> perspective.

>

> Since the end of August, I began to fade from site. Other issues in my

life

> that needed confronting, were ones that I felt would not be appropriate

for

> sharing and I have tried to keep so much of my personal stuff from

deterring

> from the subject of LBD. Life happens. We each go through our own

journey, yet

> this is the place where those journeys intersect. Please forgive me for

> disappearing. I know this is where I need to be.

>

> The legal battle with my ex continues. There are restraining orders in

> addition to a motion, filed by him, to vacate our divorce of over two

years ago on

> the grounds of fraud. I am heading towards bankruptcy with hiring a

lawyer to

> fight this battle. I just don't have the energy. So much deceit is

involved

> that it not only makes me sad, but makes me wonder about my own reality at

> times.

>

>

> I moved from my home in Sept/Oct. Unable to pay my mortgage, I rented out

to

> my sons and a few of their friends (BIG mistake). I was almost moved into

> one place when I realized I could never honor the lease and did not want

to

> place my landlord in that position. So I moved next door to my home. The

> ex-girlfriend of my youngest son , had moved from my house back to

her dad's.

> His acreage adjoins mine on the south side. He had an extra bedroom and

> offered it to me. It is the only thing that has kept me afloat. I was

able to get

> unemployment in Sept but it has since expired and as national UE average

is

> below 6% (a government farce) there are no extensions. As of yet, I am

not

> employed.

>

> Having my mom in LTC is something I had never planned. My guilt has been

one

> of the greatest things to deal with in addition to all else. I began

> counseling at the end of last August and went to December, but funds have

cut that

> off for now. I want to become more involved with her care, but I realize

that

> there is a message from all that has happened.

>

> My brother last saw my mom last May when she was in the hospital for her

> heart attack. My ex, who was a regular part of her life for the last ten

years,

> has not seen her since he walked away last May. Mom was so embarrassed by

her

> condition that she told her boyfriend and weekend companion not to come

around

> anymore. I am the only one who visits regularly, and that is not as often

as

> I would like. It has been difficult for me to see that the future is

> unpredictable until you get there. Mom's life is so much better. She has

gained

> weight and only smokes a few cigarettes a day when someone will supervise

her

> outside. They say that she is a model resident. She helps clean up after

meals

> and is getting to know everyone's name. She is still not very sociable

and I

> have drawn back, hoping she will reach out to others. The time I spend

with

> her is short. She has never been a conversationist, and there is little I

can

> bring out. Her hearing is a great obstacle. I feel uncomfortable and

lost

> that there is so little I can share with her orally. So many times she

begins

> staring into space and I know it is one of her auditory friends talking to

her

> from the radio in the invisible space overhead.

>

> In the last four months I have reduced my life to boxes, bags and

suitcases.

> What I had spread out in over 2000 sq. ft has been crammed into a 10' x

10'

> bedroom. There are still things I have to get out of my house. I

anticipate a

> huge garage sale this spring. Last summer my ex took one of our dogs

> overnight, never to return. I have mourned Ozzie's disappearance. In

October, I had

> to have one of my Weimeraners put to sleep as she was suffering from

cancer

> and had quit eating. When I left my home I brought my other two Weimies

with

> me, Aphrodite and Zoe, leaving the Mastiff, Zane, to be cared for by my

sons.

>

> Both sons, Isaac and have also been estranged from their father

since

> the events last summer. They have their own reasons, yet, this is just

another

> one of those situations I never would have wished on them. They each act

out

> in different ways, and now they are becoming distanced. Their fighting

just

> adds another issue to confront, but the battle is theirs. All our lives

have

> been so affected. They have gone to see Grandma Marge many times, the

only

> other ones besides myself that have. Christmas was the most difficult.

This is

> the first Christmas that I have not been a part of my ex's family for

nearly

> 25 years. He has 9 siblings with over 30 nieces and nephews in addition

to

> the other extended members. It was a lonely and confusing time for both

my sons

> and I, none knowing where we stand with that family, not wanting to

intrude

> for fear of being accused of asking them to take sides.

>

> Fate really threw me a whammy but I am right where I need to be. No

longer

> am I able to distract myself with ex, children, caretaking, job, home,

etc.

> What I was given in return for all that was ripped apart, is myself.

Though I

> would not desert my mom and leave my two remaining dogs, both aging, my

journey

> is mine to partake. The basics of self-care are of first order and I am

much

> better at taking care of others. This is part of my self-care, returning

to

> those that know about some of what I have lived with my mom. Also, I once

> again battle my writers block, so I am making headway just writing this.

>

> I will try to keep the personal stuff at a minimum, as I make my move to

> become more involved with my mom's life without giving up my own. Being

away so

> long, I must say I feel a bit ignorant. Need to get the old brain working

> again without allowing it to become obsessed in one area or another.

>

> Thank you all for listening. I did leave out quite a bit, but there is

only

> so much one can handle in a day. Perhaps you have a better idea of where

I

> have been and why. I look forward to getting to know those who have come

to the

> group since last August. It is wonderful to see how things have grown and

> progressed. The angels are still around.

>

> Prayers and Blessings to All

> Betty

> Shelton, WA

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I just recieved a magnet for my fridge from a friend

" If you are going through hell then keep going " Winston Churchill

>From: elswittnbrg53@...

>Reply-To: LBDcaregivers

>To: LBDcaregivers

>Subject: Depression/NH's/Care for the Caregiver

>Date: Wed, 28 Jan 2004 15:04:19 EST

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>

>Mornin' all,

>

>I have been reading posts for several days, trying to get a sense of what's

>going on in the lives of others on the forum. It is also time to write

>about

>what has kept me away as well as what brought me back. This may be long,

>so

>forgive me, but I must get this over with and move on.

>

>Like many, a year ago I was searching websites to find some connection to

>the

>hell my mom was experiencing. Finding this site was a blessing. I signed

>on

>just about the same time as Russ , Feb 23, a day after Mom's 79th

>birthday. My involvement was perhaps obsessive. At the same time it gave

>me

>answers to the problems with my mom, it also gave me an avenue of denial to

>ignore

>many other things going on in my life.

>

>I vowed for a lifetime that I would never place my mom in a care facility

>and

>was determined to do everything in my power to keep her home. My

>disability

>from double foot surgery 6 months prior in Oct '02 was up. On my return to

>work, I gave up my management position of 7 years with GNC and went to work

>part

>time, choosing shifts when others in my household would be available to

>help

>with her care.

>

>In Aug '01 I was divorced. and I reconciled off and on several times

>since. He was living with me and I believed we were making progress toward

>our

>friendship, but his battle with addiction had, since Jan '02, become of

>concern. It was easier to put my energy into caring for Mom and ignoring

>other

>essential areas of my life.

>

>May '02 is the magic month, the true ending of one phase of my life, but

>the

>graceful beginning of another. The beginning of the month started with

>efforts to become a caregiver for my mom through a state program called

>COPES. I

>was paid six hours a day, each day of the month, to be her Individual

>Provider

>for in-home care.

>

>During the second week of May, I was privileged to attend the Caring

>Counts!

>Conference in Sacramento, CA where we distributed packets of info and got a

>sense of how little was known about LBD. My mom was ill prior to my

>leaving

>home but due to the fluctuations that occur and reactions to medications,

>my

>ex-husband assured me she would be OK. While at the conference, I received

>word

>she had been admitted to the hospital and had suffered a heart attack.

>Once

>back home, I began dealing with hospital issues, informing of LBD, making

>contact with her PCP, having all medications stopped, planning for return

>home

>w/oxygen supplies for emphysema, in addition to realizing all was not well

>on the

>home front.

>

>Mom came home on May 18th. One week later left to get a backhoe to

>replant some trees and that was the end of our relationship. All the

>messages of

>deceit were apparent at the time, but my focus was on Mom. told me he

>was getting his life together and blah, blah, blah....it only later became

>true

>that it was just a lie, a front so to speak.

>

>I became Mom's caretaker for the state beginning in June. The new

>medications we were trying did not work well. She took herself off the

>oxygen within a

>month and began her 2 pack a day habit one more time (65 years worth). My

>sanity was this group and my involvement increased with the formation of

>the

>LBDA. June and July are really pretty much a blur. So many situations

>with Mom

>and her resistance to taking meds, thinking I was poisoning her food and

>drink,

>suffering from ever-present auditory hallucinations (she's worn a hearing

>aid

>for over thirty years which has contributed greatly to her isolation and

>predisposition to this type of hallucinations). During the previous winter

>she

>had cataract surgery which seemed to alleviate most of the visual kind (be

>cautious of anesthesia).

>

>Someday, I may tell stories of her outrageous behavior and laugh, because

>that is how I got through a lot of long nights and battles. It was only

>when Mom

>became overly interested in the knives, especially the long fat ones. Then

>she set fire to her closet by putting out a cigarette butt in the sleeve of

>one

>of her flannel shirts. Fortunately, it only burnt up about 6 inches then

>went out and didn't ignite the oxygen tanks underneath. Time for

>intervention.

>

>Now things really start happening in my life and in Mom's. August 4th I

>called Mental Health Intervention Services to have Mom committed for

>evaluation

>and med stabilization. Four days later my son informed me that my ex had

>been

>living with another woman, just happened to be my neighbor who had recently

>been evicted from her home due to a lein placed on her property due to some

>County access issue was also involved with. I later found out they

>had gotten

>a place together just three weeks after he left and exactly one month after

>the lien and notice to vacate was placed on her property. The forclosure

>was

>in process already. They had been involved for nearly a year and planning

>to

>leave since January, her divorce final one month earlier in December.

>

>As if confronting my denial wasn't enough, the next day my ex comes to my

>house, drunk and tries to take off with my car. I ordered him off my

>property

>and told him not to come back without arranging ahead of time and without

>being

>drunk or high.

>So many issues were confronting me as I had to decide whether to go on with

>my plans to attend the LBD Caregivers gathering in La Crosse, Wisconsin.

>My

>heart was not in packing for the long drive ahead. While Mom was being

>cared

>for by the professionals, I figured I could afford the time instead of

>sitting

>around on the pity pot.

>I left two days later only to get a call the second day on the road saying

>that Mom was being released. I had battled the idea of temporary placement

>for

>her and had to make a decision right then. Via phone arrangements, she was

>placed in Shelton Health and Rehabilitation and has been there since.

>

>The trip to the gathering was well worth it. In addition to meeting some

>wonderful people, there was the opportunity for thought during my travel to

>and

>from. It is simply amazing to me how a life can change so quickly. I had

>been

>praying that things would change in my life, that 50 would be a

>transitional

>stage for me. I am learning the every time I say never, later I will be

>found

>choking on those words. Also, the old adage, be careful what you ask for,

>is

>alive and well. It is just the package that it was delivered in that I

>have

>had the biggest problem with.

>

>Which brings me to the point of depression and caring for the caretaker.

>Depression has been my companion since I was a teenager. Being a caretaker

>became my life. What fate allowed me since last summer is the opportunity

>to take

>care of myself, a most challenging experience, I must say. While all has

>been

>turned upside down, I have had to look at my life from a totally different

>perspective.

>

>Since the end of August, I began to fade from site. Other issues in my

>life

>that needed confronting, were ones that I felt would not be appropriate for

>sharing and I have tried to keep so much of my personal stuff from

>deterring

>from the subject of LBD. Life happens. We each go through our own

>journey, yet

>this is the place where those journeys intersect. Please forgive me for

>disappearing. I know this is where I need to be.

>

>The legal battle with my ex continues. There are restraining orders in

>addition to a motion, filed by him, to vacate our divorce of over two years

>ago on

>the grounds of fraud. I am heading towards bankruptcy with hiring a lawyer

>to

>fight this battle. I just don't have the energy. So much deceit is

>involved

>that it not only makes me sad, but makes me wonder about my own reality at

>times.

>

>

>I moved from my home in Sept/Oct. Unable to pay my mortgage, I rented out

>to

>my sons and a few of their friends (BIG mistake). I was almost moved into

>one place when I realized I could never honor the lease and did not want to

>place my landlord in that position. So I moved next door to my home. The

>ex-girlfriend of my youngest son , had moved from my house back to her

>dad's.

>His acreage adjoins mine on the south side. He had an extra bedroom and

>offered it to me. It is the only thing that has kept me afloat. I was

>able to get

>unemployment in Sept but it has since expired and as national UE average is

>below 6% (a government farce) there are no extensions. As of yet, I am not

>employed.

>

>Having my mom in LTC is something I had never planned. My guilt has been

>one

>of the greatest things to deal with in addition to all else. I began

>counseling at the end of last August and went to December, but funds have

>cut that

>off for now. I want to become more involved with her care, but I realize

>that

>there is a message from all that has happened.

>

>My brother last saw my mom last May when she was in the hospital for her

>heart attack. My ex, who was a regular part of her life for the last ten

>years,

>has not seen her since he walked away last May. Mom was so embarrassed by

>her

>condition that she told her boyfriend and weekend companion not to come

>around

>anymore. I am the only one who visits regularly, and that is not as often

>as

>I would like. It has been difficult for me to see that the future is

>unpredictable until you get there. Mom's life is so much better. She has

>gained

>weight and only smokes a few cigarettes a day when someone will supervise

>her

>outside. They say that she is a model resident. She helps clean up after

>meals

>and is getting to know everyone's name. She is still not very sociable and

>I

>have drawn back, hoping she will reach out to others. The time I spend

>with

>her is short. She has never been a conversationist, and there is little I

>can

>bring out. Her hearing is a great obstacle. I feel uncomfortable and lost

>that there is so little I can share with her orally. So many times she

>begins

>staring into space and I know it is one of her auditory friends talking to

>her

>from the radio in the invisible space overhead.

>

>In the last four months I have reduced my life to boxes, bags and

>suitcases.

>What I had spread out in over 2000 sq. ft has been crammed into a 10' x 10'

>bedroom. There are still things I have to get out of my house. I

>anticipate a

>huge garage sale this spring. Last summer my ex took one of our dogs

>overnight, never to return. I have mourned Ozzie's disappearance. In

>October, I had

>to have one of my Weimeraners put to sleep as she was suffering from cancer

>and had quit eating. When I left my home I brought my other two Weimies

>with

>me, Aphrodite and Zoe, leaving the Mastiff, Zane, to be cared for by my

>sons.

>

>Both sons, Isaac and have also been estranged from their father since

>the events last summer. They have their own reasons, yet, this is just

>another

>one of those situations I never would have wished on them. They each act

>out

>in different ways, and now they are becoming distanced. Their fighting

>just

>adds another issue to confront, but the battle is theirs. All our lives

>have

>been so affected. They have gone to see Grandma Marge many times, the only

>other ones besides myself that have. Christmas was the most difficult.

>This is

>the first Christmas that I have not been a part of my ex's family for

>nearly

>25 years. He has 9 siblings with over 30 nieces and nephews in addition to

>the other extended members. It was a lonely and confusing time for both my

>sons

>and I, none knowing where we stand with that family, not wanting to intrude

>for fear of being accused of asking them to take sides.

>

>Fate really threw me a whammy but I am right where I need to be. No longer

>am I able to distract myself with ex, children, caretaking, job, home, etc.

>What I was given in return for all that was ripped apart, is myself.

>Though I

>would not desert my mom and leave my two remaining dogs, both aging, my

>journey

>is mine to partake. The basics of self-care are of first order and I am

>much

>better at taking care of others. This is part of my self-care, returning

>to

>those that know about some of what I have lived with my mom. Also, I once

>again battle my writers block, so I am making headway just writing this.

>

>I will try to keep the personal stuff at a minimum, as I make my move to

>become more involved with my mom's life without giving up my own. Being

>away so

>long, I must say I feel a bit ignorant. Need to get the old brain working

>again without allowing it to become obsessed in one area or another.

>

>Thank you all for listening. I did leave out quite a bit, but there is

>only

>so much one can handle in a day. Perhaps you have a better idea of where I

>have been and why. I look forward to getting to know those who have come

>to the

>group since last August. It is wonderful to see how things have grown and

>progressed. The angels are still around.

>

>Prayers and Blessings to All

>Betty

>Shelton, WA

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Betty,

I want to say thank you for sharing what you have today and I hope that

doing so makes you feel better. I know its a scary thing to share things

not so connected to LBD (I've done the same thing here and would later ask

myself why I did it) so please don't second guess yourself.

I think you left out one incredible fact and that is with all that you have

had to deal with you are STILL HERE!!!!! Wow!!!!!! I'm sure you had many

days where you questioned whether you could go on but you have and I am in

awe of you. Way to go Betty!!!!!!!!!!!

For my part, please feel free to share what you need to share. LBD is a

major factor in all our lives but so is the rest of our lives - one goes

with the other and I'm happy to lend an ear.

Keep up the good fight Betty. I wish I could say otherwise but I've had to

rebuild my life a few times now and those dark days very nearly overtook me

each time but I made it through somehow - part my subborness and help from

others. I hear you about the depression - I know that drug companies have

turned depression into a sick joke nowadays but if one has ever had to do

serious battle with depression then you know just how serious it can be. I

take my Celexa faithfully because I know only too well what happens when I

don't. I'm not advocating taking pills but it has helped for me.

Again, Betty, you have to hand it to you for your strength in not only

dealing with all that you have but that you shared with us. We are all

human afterall.

Hugs to you,

Courage

Depression/NH's/Care for the Caregiver

>Mornin' all,

>

>I have been reading posts for several days, trying to get a sense of what's

>going on in the lives of others on the forum. It is also time to write

about

>what has kept me away as well as what brought me back. This may be long,

so

>forgive me, but I must get this over with and move on.

>

>Like many, a year ago I was searching websites to find some connection to

the

>hell my mom was experiencing. Finding this site was a blessing. I signed

on

>just about the same time as Russ , Feb 23, a day after Mom's 79th

>birthday. My involvement was perhaps obsessive. At the same time it gave

me

>answers to the problems with my mom, it also gave me an avenue of denial to

ignore

>many other things going on in my life.

>

>I vowed for a lifetime that I would never place my mom in a care facility

and

>was determined to do everything in my power to keep her home. My

disability

>from double foot surgery 6 months prior in Oct '02 was up. On my return to

>work, I gave up my management position of 7 years with GNC and went to work

part

>time, choosing shifts when others in my household would be available to

help

>with her care.

>

>In Aug '01 I was divorced. and I reconciled off and on several times

>since. He was living with me and I believed we were making progress toward

our

>friendship, but his battle with addiction had, since Jan '02, become of

>concern. It was easier to put my energy into caring for Mom and ignoring

other

>essential areas of my life.

>

>May '02 is the magic month, the true ending of one phase of my life, but

the

>graceful beginning of another. The beginning of the month started with

>efforts to become a caregiver for my mom through a state program called

COPES. I

>was paid six hours a day, each day of the month, to be her Individual

Provider

>for in-home care.

>

>During the second week of May, I was privileged to attend the Caring

Counts!

>Conference in Sacramento, CA where we distributed packets of info and got a

>sense of how little was known about LBD. My mom was ill prior to my

leaving

>home but due to the fluctuations that occur and reactions to medications,

my

>ex-husband assured me she would be OK. While at the conference, I received

word

>she had been admitted to the hospital and had suffered a heart attack.

Once

>back home, I began dealing with hospital issues, informing of LBD, making

>contact with her PCP, having all medications stopped, planning for return

home

>w/oxygen supplies for emphysema, in addition to realizing all was not well

on the

>home front.

>

>Mom came home on May 18th. One week later left to get a backhoe to

>replant some trees and that was the end of our relationship. All the

messages of

>deceit were apparent at the time, but my focus was on Mom. told me he

>was getting his life together and blah, blah, blah....it only later became

true

>that it was just a lie, a front so to speak.

>

>I became Mom's caretaker for the state beginning in June. The new

>medications we were trying did not work well. She took herself off the

oxygen within a

>month and began her 2 pack a day habit one more time (65 years worth). My

>sanity was this group and my involvement increased with the formation of

the

>LBDA. June and July are really pretty much a blur. So many situations

with Mom

>and her resistance to taking meds, thinking I was poisoning her food and

drink,

>suffering from ever-present auditory hallucinations (she's worn a hearing

aid

>for over thirty years which has contributed greatly to her isolation and

>predisposition to this type of hallucinations). During the previous winter

she

>had cataract surgery which seemed to alleviate most of the visual kind (be

>cautious of anesthesia).

>

>Someday, I may tell stories of her outrageous behavior and laugh, because

>that is how I got through a lot of long nights and battles. It was only

when Mom

>became overly interested in the knives, especially the long fat ones. Then

>she set fire to her closet by putting out a cigarette butt in the sleeve of

one

>of her flannel shirts. Fortunately, it only burnt up about 6 inches then

>went out and didn't ignite the oxygen tanks underneath. Time for

intervention.

>

>Now things really start happening in my life and in Mom's. August 4th I

>called Mental Health Intervention Services to have Mom committed for

evaluation

>and med stabilization. Four days later my son informed me that my ex had

been

>living with another woman, just happened to be my neighbor who had recently

>been evicted from her home due to a lein placed on her property due to some

>County access issue was also involved with. I later found out they

had gotten

>a place together just three weeks after he left and exactly one month after

>the lien and notice to vacate was placed on her property. The forclosure

was

>in process already. They had been involved for nearly a year and planning

to

>leave since January, her divorce final one month earlier in December.

>

>As if confronting my denial wasn't enough, the next day my ex comes to my

>house, drunk and tries to take off with my car. I ordered him off my

property

>and told him not to come back without arranging ahead of time and without

being

>drunk or high.

>So many issues were confronting me as I had to decide whether to go on with

>my plans to attend the LBD Caregivers gathering in La Crosse, Wisconsin.

My

>heart was not in packing for the long drive ahead. While Mom was being

cared

>for by the professionals, I figured I could afford the time instead of

sitting

>around on the pity pot.

>I left two days later only to get a call the second day on the road saying

>that Mom was being released. I had battled the idea of temporary placement

for

>her and had to make a decision right then. Via phone arrangements, she was

>placed in Shelton Health and Rehabilitation and has been there since.

>

>The trip to the gathering was well worth it. In addition to meeting some

>wonderful people, there was the opportunity for thought during my travel to

and

>from. It is simply amazing to me how a life can change so quickly. I had

been

>praying that things would change in my life, that 50 would be a

transitional

>stage for me. I am learning the every time I say never, later I will be

found

>choking on those words. Also, the old adage, be careful what you ask for,

is

>alive and well. It is just the package that it was delivered in that I

have

>had the biggest problem with.

>

>Which brings me to the point of depression and caring for the caretaker.

>Depression has been my companion since I was a teenager. Being a caretaker

>became my life. What fate allowed me since last summer is the opportunity

to take

>care of myself, a most challenging experience, I must say. While all has

been

>turned upside down, I have had to look at my life from a totally different

>perspective.

>

>Since the end of August, I began to fade from site. Other issues in my

life

>that needed confronting, were ones that I felt would not be appropriate for

>sharing and I have tried to keep so much of my personal stuff from

deterring

>from the subject of LBD. Life happens. We each go through our own

journey, yet

>this is the place where those journeys intersect. Please forgive me for

>disappearing. I know this is where I need to be.

>

>The legal battle with my ex continues. There are restraining orders in

>addition to a motion, filed by him, to vacate our divorce of over two years

ago on

>the grounds of fraud. I am heading towards bankruptcy with hiring a lawyer

to

>fight this battle. I just don't have the energy. So much deceit is

involved

>that it not only makes me sad, but makes me wonder about my own reality at

>times.

>

>

>I moved from my home in Sept/Oct. Unable to pay my mortgage, I rented out

to

>my sons and a few of their friends (BIG mistake). I was almost moved into

>one place when I realized I could never honor the lease and did not want to

>place my landlord in that position. So I moved next door to my home. The

>ex-girlfriend of my youngest son , had moved from my house back to her

dad's.

>His acreage adjoins mine on the south side. He had an extra bedroom and

>offered it to me. It is the only thing that has kept me afloat. I was

able to get

>unemployment in Sept but it has since expired and as national UE average is

>below 6% (a government farce) there are no extensions. As of yet, I am not

>employed.

>

>Having my mom in LTC is something I had never planned. My guilt has been

one

>of the greatest things to deal with in addition to all else. I began

>counseling at the end of last August and went to December, but funds have

cut that

>off for now. I want to become more involved with her care, but I realize

that

>there is a message from all that has happened.

>

>My brother last saw my mom last May when she was in the hospital for her

>heart attack. My ex, who was a regular part of her life for the last ten

years,

>has not seen her since he walked away last May. Mom was so embarrassed by

her

>condition that she told her boyfriend and weekend companion not to come

around

>anymore. I am the only one who visits regularly, and that is not as often

as

>I would like. It has been difficult for me to see that the future is

>unpredictable until you get there. Mom's life is so much better. She has

gained

>weight and only smokes a few cigarettes a day when someone will supervise

her

>outside. They say that she is a model resident. She helps clean up after

meals

>and is getting to know everyone's name. She is still not very sociable and

I

>have drawn back, hoping she will reach out to others. The time I spend

with

>her is short. She has never been a conversationist, and there is little I

can

>bring out. Her hearing is a great obstacle. I feel uncomfortable and lost

>that there is so little I can share with her orally. So many times she

begins

>staring into space and I know it is one of her auditory friends talking to

her

>from the radio in the invisible space overhead.

>

>In the last four months I have reduced my life to boxes, bags and

suitcases.

>What I had spread out in over 2000 sq. ft has been crammed into a 10' x 10'

>bedroom. There are still things I have to get out of my house. I

anticipate a

>huge garage sale this spring. Last summer my ex took one of our dogs

>overnight, never to return. I have mourned Ozzie's disappearance. In

October, I had

>to have one of my Weimeraners put to sleep as she was suffering from cancer

>and had quit eating. When I left my home I brought my other two Weimies

with

>me, Aphrodite and Zoe, leaving the Mastiff, Zane, to be cared for by my

sons.

>

>Both sons, Isaac and have also been estranged from their father since

>the events last summer. They have their own reasons, yet, this is just

another

>one of those situations I never would have wished on them. They each act

out

>in different ways, and now they are becoming distanced. Their fighting

just

>adds another issue to confront, but the battle is theirs. All our lives

have

>been so affected. They have gone to see Grandma Marge many times, the only

>other ones besides myself that have. Christmas was the most difficult.

This is

>the first Christmas that I have not been a part of my ex's family for

nearly

>25 years. He has 9 siblings with over 30 nieces and nephews in addition to

>the other extended members. It was a lonely and confusing time for both my

sons

>and I, none knowing where we stand with that family, not wanting to intrude

>for fear of being accused of asking them to take sides.

>

>Fate really threw me a whammy but I am right where I need to be. No longer

>am I able to distract myself with ex, children, caretaking, job, home, etc.

>What I was given in return for all that was ripped apart, is myself.

Though I

>would not desert my mom and leave my two remaining dogs, both aging, my

journey

>is mine to partake. The basics of self-care are of first order and I am

much

>better at taking care of others. This is part of my self-care, returning

to

>those that know about some of what I have lived with my mom. Also, I once

>again battle my writers block, so I am making headway just writing this.

>

>I will try to keep the personal stuff at a minimum, as I make my move to

>become more involved with my mom's life without giving up my own. Being

away so

>long, I must say I feel a bit ignorant. Need to get the old brain working

>again without allowing it to become obsessed in one area or another.

>

>Thank you all for listening. I did leave out quite a bit, but there is

only

>so much one can handle in a day. Perhaps you have a better idea of where I

>have been and why. I look forward to getting to know those who have come

to the

>group since last August. It is wonderful to see how things have grown and

>progressed. The angels are still around.

>

>Prayers and Blessings to All

>Betty

>Shelton, WA

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes and we have all had enough hell to last a life time.

>From: elswittnbrg53@...

>Reply-To: LBDcaregivers

>To: LBDcaregivers

>Subject: Re: Depression/NH's/Care for the Caregiver

>Date: Fri, 30 Jan 2004 13:48:03 EST

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>

>I like that. Thanks. Guess you can't appreciate heaven unless you have

>had

>a taste of hell.

>

>Hugs,

>Betty

>

>

>