(no subject) for

[Guest guest]

Hi

Sorry you're having these problems with your nada, and that her cruelty has=

caused you such awful depression in the past. Your feelings about her don't=

sound extreme to me, when she's acting the way she is over your presents.

Christmas presents are never simple gifts of love with nadas!

I don't feel I'm qualified to offer too much advice, I've not been posting =

here

long, but I've been in a similar place with my nada who is NPD/APD. Reading=

how I've fumbled along through dealing with that might be of some help.

I haven't had any contact with nada since April (when my fada died), but wh=

en

she used to try to pull my guilt strings, I'd feel so weak and ill I could =

barely

move or speak too – I really feel for you over that. Christmas presents wer=

e

always a big issue with her. Even when we were `speaking' to each other, sh=

e

didn't actually give my husband and me our presents, she'd leave them with =

a

relative (who complained bitterly to me about being used but wouldn't say

anything to nada about it). I'd feel full of dread at the thought of having=

to

speak to nada, but still felt obliged to phone her and act profusely gratef=

ul.

one year though, I knew I'd had enough. I steeled myself and told nada not =

to

leave presents with the relative again. She acted the distraught mother, cu=

t to

the quick by her dreadful daughter. `But what am I to do!' she said, boo ho=

o

sob sob, `How can I get your presents to you?' I told her she could always =

pick

up the phone and ring me and arrange a meeting. Her response was, `But

you should ring me!!' That in a tone meant for her assembled audience of my=

fada my brother and my husband, to let them know that I was breaking her

heart. If there'd been just nada and me though, I know her eyes would've

been dry and she'd have been attacking me with painful venomous words. I

know she doesn't have a heart, she's proved that often enough, so I've no

need to feel any guilt I might be breaking it. She doesn't have my latest

address (unfortunately a relative gave her our phone number, but she doesn'=

t

phone). Like your brother with your nada, mine is enmeshed with her, but he=

doesn't phone me or my husband as nada has split our family so completely

that my brother won't have anything to do with me. Is your husband able to=

see through you nada's tricks? I know it helps me enormously that my

husband can do that.

I think you're right that your nada will try to push this as far as she can=

, and if

she has to she'll use other people to do it. it's likely you do need to be =

prepared for that. My nada worked hard at stirring up sympathy for herself =

with

whoever would listen to her. she likes to tell people how much she misses m=

e

and how she'd love a real relationship with her only daughter. Funny how i'=

m

the only one she forgets to say that to! It helps me to keep in my head how=

she

always behaved toward me when no one else was around. Look after

yourself first, and those who truly love you, and you will get through this=

and

come out on the other side.

Best wishes

A