Re: Simon

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Thanks for input.

Ya from the posts I have gotten and from the message boards I have

seen it does seem like separation is the way to go.

And I'm glad I now know that there are people out there than CAN give

me this advice because they are going through the some stuff I am.

Whether separation is the way to go or not I dont know. As I said

before, each to their own.

By no means did I mean to imply (and if I did I am deeply sorry)

that seperation was wrong - I am though, trying to understand the big

picture and the long term affects of such on BOTH parties.

I'm trying (like everyone else) not get involved only emotional

patches where I go from one personal crisis to the next.

Looking for solid solutions.

Im just not sure what.

It must have been hard for you sister and you during that time...its

not easy being in the middle...

be well

Simon

>

> Hi Simon. You made the comment that walking away from your bp

parent

> seems the only way according to most people on the list. I don't

> think their is an " only way " . It just so happens that those who

have

> shared have made the decision to leave (myself included). But,

nobody

> can make that decision for anyone else. I NEVER thought I would

walk

> away from my mother. I could not see myself doing it. I know there

> are people who have decided to stay with their bp no matter what.

My

> sister is doing it now. She doesn't talk to me, but I know it is

> probably swallowing her whole. I guess I had to sort out what, if

> anything, I owed my mother. My soul? My sanity? My peace of mind? I

> was not able to visit her and not be deeply affected. When I went

> into therapy I told my therapist " I want to be able to visit my mom

> and not be affected. " She didn't laugh in my face, but she probably

> wanted to. I tried for almost two years. I tried everything. I

could

> not be around her without being negatively affected. I don't know

how

> to ignore abuse. I am glad of that. It probably saved me. You will

> find YOUR way in YOUR time. You will know what feels right and what

> feels wrong. Good luck and be true to yourself. -

[Guest guest]

Hey again. I didn't think that you were saying it was wrong to

separate from your bp parent. I just know what it is like to feel

like that is not really an option due to the feelings of obligation.

By the time I found the list, I had already walked away from my

mother. Prior to my decision to walk away, I didn't feel it was an

option to leave, even though others were saying I had that option. I

didn't realize I had that option until I was ready to give myself

that much. So, it is like turning a corner. Many times, decisions

like these are made in an instant and we surprise ourselves with

them, but they are years in the making. All of a sudden enough really

is enough. I don't know how long I will be estranged from my mother.

I can't call her and explain myself; she wouldn't hear me. I would

have to sacrifice myself in order to have a relationship with her and

I am not willing to do that. So as I see it, her abusive behavior (no

matter the reason, no matter whether she is a victim or a persecutor)

PREVENTS me from having a relationship with her. And that hurts. But

that is reality. May we all learn to trust our inner truth. -

> >

> > Hi Simon. You made the comment that walking away from your bp

> parent

> > seems the only way according to most people on the list. I don't

> > think their is an " only way " . It just so happens that those who

> have

> > shared have made the decision to leave (myself included). But,

> nobody

> > can make that decision for anyone else. I NEVER thought I would

> walk

> > away from my mother. I could not see myself doing it. I know

there

> > are people who have decided to stay with their bp no matter what.

> My

> > sister is doing it now. She doesn't talk to me, but I know it is

> > probably swallowing her whole. I guess I had to sort out what, if

> > anything, I owed my mother. My soul? My sanity? My peace of mind?

I

> > was not able to visit her and not be deeply affected. When I went

> > into therapy I told my therapist " I want to be able to visit my

mom

> > and not be affected. " She didn't laugh in my face, but she

probably

> > wanted to. I tried for almost two years. I tried everything. I

> could

> > not be around her without being negatively affected. I don't know

> how

> > to ignore abuse. I am glad of that. It probably saved me. You

will

> > find YOUR way in YOUR time. You will know what feels right and

what

> > feels wrong. Good luck and be true to yourself. -

[Guest guest]

> Hi ,

> Thanks for input.

> Ya from the posts I have gotten and from the message boards I have

> seen it does seem like separation is the way to go.

Something that was a great help to me (when I first learned of bpd)

was to keep in mind that it doesn't have to be all or nothing,

separation or relationship. There are a million places in between.

For some people, separating from them may mean just not being alone

with the nada, for others it may mean only phone calls once a year,

or only email and occasional visits etc.. In my case it is total,

don't call me, don't write me, don't come around me. That may change

tommorrow or it may be this way until one of us dies. I don't know

or have to know when or if that will change. So I would be very

hesitant to tell anyone that my current choice is the absolute best

choice all around, end of story. For ME right now, it is working and

working well.

> By no means did I mean to imply (and if I did I am deeply sorry)

> that seperation was wrong - I am though, trying to understand the

> big picture and the long term affects of such on BOTH parties.

Speaking only for myself, I did take into account HER feelings as

well as everyone else who I could imagine would be affected by my

decision. What I learned of course, is that I can't please everyone,

nevermind a nada and also that it isn't my job to try. That was a

nasty control flea that I had to get rid of. I thought it was " nice "

or " responsible " of me to try to do what (I thought) was best for

everyone, but really it was just another way of not taking

responsibility for my choices.

>

> I'm trying (like everyone else) not get involved only emotional

> patches where I go from one personal crisis to the next.

> Looking for solid solutions.

> Im just not sure what.

> It must have been hard for you sister and you during that

> time...its not easy being in the middle...

> be well

> Simon

>

In my opinion, it started for me with the very basic of boundaries.

Starting to separate my life from hers and my feelings from hers. It

just turned out that it was too difficult and confusing for me to do

that with her up in my face. Nadas have crisis, they make them when

they don't just occur " naturally. " So IMO, as long as there is a

nada around, a crisis is not far off, the only thing I can do is know

if it's MY crisis or not. Maybe someday I'll be able to do that

without being totally separate from her, but I'm not holding my

breath. (I'm also not having many crisis these days, if any;))

[Guest guest]

Just to let you know, I still have a relationship with my nada. I have had to

learn to set boundaries and to stand up to her when she broke my boundaries. It

was very hard at first, but it gets much easier with time.

Simon

Hi Simon. You made the comment that walking away from your bp parent

seems the only way according to most people on the list. I don't

think their is an " only way " . It just so happens that those who have

shared have made the decision to leave (myself included). But, nobody

can make that decision for anyone else. I NEVER thought I would walk

away from my mother. I could not see myself doing it. I know there

are people who have decided to stay with their bp no matter what. My

sister is doing it now. She doesn't talk to me, but I know it is

probably swallowing her whole. I guess I had to sort out what, if

anything, I owed my mother. My soul? My sanity? My peace of mind? I

was not able to visit her and not be deeply affected. When I went

into therapy I told my therapist " I want to be able to visit my mom

and not be affected. " She didn't laugh in my face, but she probably

wanted to. I tried for almost two years. I tried everything. I could

not be around her without being negatively affected. I don't know how

to ignore abuse. I am glad of that. It probably saved me. You will

find YOUR way in YOUR time. You will know what feels right and what

feels wrong. Good luck and be true to yourself. -