Guest guest Posted June 4, 2003 Report Share Posted June 4, 2003 In a message dated 6/4/03 6:30:37 AM Pacific Daylight Time, eleeming@... writes: Hey There, Lack of boundaries is part of the BPD picture. It sounds to me like your mom broke your boundaries when she gave TMI about her sex life to you. That can be a painful boundary to have broken for sure. It also sounds like your mom broke your dad's boundaries by having affairs. I have had to work in therapy on some fairly hideous breaches of boundaries done by my mom as well. Its not easy. Personally, I have to admit I feel very offended that you mention interracial relationships of any kind as a lack of boundaries thing. That kind of comment comes close to my boundaries of mutual respect for all races. Warm regards Malene > My mom has never had any boundaries in almost every aspect of her > life. She had an affair with a man for many years who was married and > involved with organized crime; an interracial relationship with > another married man. She's always given TMI when it comes to details > of her sex life - Things that a young male just doesn't need to know. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2003 Report Share Posted June 4, 2003 Hi and welcome. It sounds like you are doing the right things to take care of yourself. The similar behaviors of bp's always amazes me; like your mother not speaking to you after you set a boundary. It's so childish and selfish. I guess their message is: If you don't go along with everything and see things just the way I want you to see them, then, forget the whole thing. Talk about black and white thinking. I told my mother I didn't know if I could " do this " anymore in regards to our relationship and I have not heard from her in almost three months. I find it strange how they can dismiss their own children from their life so quickly. If I had a child who needed time for themselves, I would call and say, " Do what you need to do for yourself " . Of course, parents who treat their children that way don't usually have kids who need to get away from them. Anyway, it is painful and frustrating and infuriating dealing with a bp parent. I am glad you posted and keep being true to yourself. - > Hi; > I'm brand new to this whole BPD thing and I have my sister to thank > for getting me to this point. Her confrontation with our mother last > year prompted a whole host of strange events which brought my sister > to therapy to deal with her finally putting my mother out of her > life. My mother then turned to me as her focal point and that > dissolved when she insisted that my family change it's holiday plans > all around to accomodate her since she would not be welcome at my > sister's for Thanksgiving. A phonecall argument made me decide to > write her a letter, stating how I would not take responsibility for > their problems and how my family would continue with our holidays as > usual. This got me a 7 page scathing reply letter from her, never > acknowledging my feelings; just pointing out where I was wrong. > Regardless, I sent her a mothers day card and a birthday card, both > having gone unanswered. It's been two months now since we've spoken. > > I sought counseling myself and found out for the first time what the > problem was. I have no doubt in my mind that my mother has BPD. So > many oddities from my growing up have been answered now. I just > finished reading " Stop Walking on Eggshells " (my god, what an > incredible book!) and am trying to find a copy of " Understanding your > Mother " for more insight into this bizarre disorder. > > I'd love to hear from other sons (like myself) or daughters of > mothers with BPD. The distortion campaign against my father for the > past 30 years was hideous. We'd been told that he had been put in an > institution, almost had electroshock therapy just to name a few > things. > > My mom has never had any boundaries in almost every aspect of her > life. She had an affair with a man for many years who was married and > involved with organized crime; an interracial relationship with > another married man. She's always given TMI when it comes to details > of her sex life - Things that a young male just doesn't need to know. > > I've never posted online before, so I'm not sure what to expect from > everyone. I'm very anxious to hear from anyone to share stories and > coping strategies. > > Help?! > > Thanks for listening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2003 Report Share Posted June 4, 2003 > > My mom has never had any boundaries in almost every aspect of her > life. She had an affair with a man for many years who was married and > involved with organized crime; an interracial relationship with > another married man. My mother too was involved in organized crime. She was a bookie & a fence. And she had a 10 year affair with her " boss " while my father suffered with a bad heart. She was totally BPD in every sense. She is dead now..hence the past tense in my post. My mother left me & my brothers out of her will. I found out recently that many years ago she gave my brother money to buy a house he could hardly afford. She said this would be his share of the inheritance. Then a couple of years later, she decided he didn't sell enough of his soul to her, so she demanded he get a mortgage and give her the money back. And he did. I could go on and on about the absurdities. Her demands had no rhyme or reason...except in her mind, I guess. I coped with my mother by walking away 12 years before she died. And then I worked on getting myself healthy. My therapist is a God send to me. I never once regretted leaving my mother. I am no where near the mess I was before I left. My progress is slow..and still ongoing. I am not perfect..but good enough. Good luck with your journey. UBM is an excellent book. I ordered mine from Amazon.com...it was impossible to find in a bookstore. Keep posting. You will find validation through this site. Elyse Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2003 Report Share Posted June 4, 2003 thank you for those reinforcing words. They're very helpful to me. Re: My Nada Hi and welcome. It sounds like you are doing the right things to take care of yourself. The similar behaviors of bp's always amazes me; like your mother not speaking to you after you set a boundary. It's so childish and selfish. I guess their message is: If you don't go along with everything and see things just the way I want you to see them, then, forget the whole thing. Talk about black and white thinking. I told my mother I didn't know if I could " do this " anymore in regards to our relationship and I have not heard from her in almost three months. I find it strange how they can dismiss their own children from their life so quickly. If I had a child who needed time for themselves, I would call and say, " Do what you need to do for yourself " . Of course, parents who treat their children that way don't usually have kids who need to get away from them. Anyway, it is painful and frustrating and infuriating dealing with a bp parent. I am glad you posted and keep being true to yourself. - > Hi; > I'm brand new to this whole BPD thing and I have my sister to thank > for getting me to this point. Her confrontation with our mother last > year prompted a whole host of strange events which brought my sister > to therapy to deal with her finally putting my mother out of her > life. My mother then turned to me as her focal point and that > dissolved when she insisted that my family change it's holiday plans > all around to accomodate her since she would not be welcome at my > sister's for Thanksgiving. A phonecall argument made me decide to > write her a letter, stating how I would not take responsibility for > their problems and how my family would continue with our holidays as > usual. This got me a 7 page scathing reply letter from her, never > acknowledging my feelings; just pointing out where I was wrong. > Regardless, I sent her a mothers day card and a birthday card, both > having gone unanswered. It's been two months now since we've spoken. > > I sought counseling myself and found out for the first time what the > problem was. I have no doubt in my mind that my mother has BPD. So > many oddities from my growing up have been answered now. I just > finished reading " Stop Walking on Eggshells " (my god, what an > incredible book!) and am trying to find a copy of " Understanding your > Mother " for more insight into this bizarre disorder. > > I'd love to hear from other sons (like myself) or daughters of > mothers with BPD. The distortion campaign against my father for the > past 30 years was hideous. We'd been told that he had been put in an > institution, almost had electroshock therapy just to name a few > things. > > My mom has never had any boundaries in almost every aspect of her > life. She had an affair with a man for many years who was married and > involved with organized crime; an interracial relationship with > another married man. She's always given TMI when it comes to details > of her sex life - Things that a young male just doesn't need to know. > > I've never posted online before, so I'm not sure what to expect from > everyone. I'm very anxious to hear from anyone to share stories and > coping strategies. > > Help?! > > Thanks for listening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2003 Report Share Posted June 4, 2003 Hi Elyse; I just ordered it myself 10 minutes ago from Amazon. Thank you for the reassuring words. It's so helpful to hear from others with almost identical experiences. Re: My Nada > > My mom has never had any boundaries in almost every aspect of her > life. She had an affair with a man for many years who was married and > involved with organized crime; an interracial relationship with > another married man. My mother too was involved in organized crime. She was a bookie & a fence. And she had a 10 year affair with her " boss " while my father suffered with a bad heart. She was totally BPD in every sense. She is dead now..hence the past tense in my post. My mother left me & my brothers out of her will. I found out recently that many years ago she gave my brother money to buy a house he could hardly afford. She said this would be his share of the inheritance. Then a couple of years later, she decided he didn't sell enough of his soul to her, so she demanded he get a mortgage and give her the money back. And he did. I could go on and on about the absurdities. Her demands had no rhyme or reason...except in her mind, I guess. I coped with my mother by walking away 12 years before she died. And then I worked on getting myself healthy. My therapist is a God send to me. I never once regretted leaving my mother. I am no where near the mess I was before I left. My progress is slow..and still ongoing. I am not perfect..but good enough. Good luck with your journey. UBM is an excellent book. I ordered mine from Amazon.com...it was impossible to find in a bookstore. Keep posting. You will find validation through this site. Elyse Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2003 Report Share Posted June 4, 2003 Hey, Welcome. I also just joined this past weekend...freeked out when I did research on the this BPD stuff. You sound like your on the right track (at least you've read one of the books...I haven't even done that yet) and everyone seems like separation is the way to go (perhaps the only way according to some..though I dont know about that but each to their own). Ya my mom did the whole " me me me " thing with holiday stuff. And then when she has a bad one she is sure to blame us (thats what we are here for right?!) Anyways welcome...very sweet people here. Simon > Hi; > I'm brand new to this whole BPD thing and I have my sister to thank > for getting me to this point. Her confrontation with our mother last > year prompted a whole host of strange events which brought my sister > to therapy to deal with her finally putting my mother out of her > life. My mother then turned to me as her focal point and that > dissolved when she insisted that my family change it's holiday plans > all around to accomodate her since she would not be welcome at my > sister's for Thanksgiving. A phonecall argument made me decide to > write her a letter, stating how I would not take responsibility for > their problems and how my family would continue with our holidays as > usual. This got me a 7 page scathing reply letter from her, never > acknowledging my feelings; just pointing out where I was wrong. > Regardless, I sent her a mothers day card and a birthday card, both > having gone unanswered. It's been two months now since we've spoken. > > I sought counseling myself and found out for the first time what the > problem was. I have no doubt in my mind that my mother has BPD. So > many oddities from my growing up have been answered now. I just > finished reading " Stop Walking on Eggshells " (my god, what an > incredible book!) and am trying to find a copy of " Understanding your > Mother " for more insight into this bizarre disorder. > > I'd love to hear from other sons (like myself) or daughters of > mothers with BPD. The distortion campaign against my father for the > past 30 years was hideous. We'd been told that he had been put in an > institution, almost had electroshock therapy just to name a few > things. > > My mom has never had any boundaries in almost every aspect of her > life. She had an affair with a man for many years who was married and > involved with organized crime; an interracial relationship with > another married man. She's always given TMI when it comes to details > of her sex life - Things that a young male just doesn't need to know. > > I've never posted online before, so I'm not sure what to expect from > everyone. I'm very anxious to hear from anyone to share stories and > coping strategies. > > Help?! > > Thanks for listening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 4, 2003 Report Share Posted June 4, 2003 In a message dated 6/4/03 6:16:26 PM Pacific Daylight Time, submalst@... writes: Hey Simon, I dont think it is teh only way to deal with my mom to cut her out of my life. I have not really cut her out of my life, although we are not currently speaking. We are not speaking because she doesnt like my boundaries. THat is her choice. If she wants t obe in my life she will have to respect my boundaries. I think for those who have decided to cut their BP parent completely out of their life, they do so out of a sense of being backed into the corner. As if they will sell their souls if they dont do it. THe infractions on their boundaries are so aggrievous that they cant see any other realistic way to deal with it. It is certainly a painful decision all around so it should be respected. However, there are so many different circumstances to take into account that noone can really know what is right in each individual situation except for the one person who has to live with their decision. Warm regards Malene > (perhaps the only way according to some..though I dont know about > that but each to their own). > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 5, 2003 Report Share Posted June 5, 2003 Hi Malene; Sorry if you took my describing the relationship as interracial for something other than it was intended. I was not inferring that the boundary broken was due to it being an interracial relationship; I was only describing a couple of the different types of men she had affairs with; there were others that I could have mentioned but didn't feel it was necessary to make my point. As I said, I'm new to this, so my apologies if anyone else out there took offense as well. Regards, Re: My Nada In a message dated 6/4/03 6:30:37 AM Pacific Daylight Time, eleeming@... writes: Hey There, Lack of boundaries is part of the BPD picture. It sounds to me like your mom broke your boundaries when she gave TMI about her sex life to you. That can be a painful boundary to have broken for sure. It also sounds like your mom broke your dad's boundaries by having affairs. I have had to work in therapy on some fairly hideous breaches of boundaries done by my mom as well. Its not easy. Personally, I have to admit I feel very offended that you mention interracial relationships of any kind as a lack of boundaries thing. That kind of comment comes close to my boundaries of mutual respect for all races. Warm regards Malene > My mom has never had any boundaries in almost every aspect of her > life. She had an affair with a man for many years who was married and > involved with organized crime; an interracial relationship with > another married man. She's always given TMI when it comes to details > of her sex life - Things that a young male just doesn't need to know. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 5, 2003 Report Share Posted June 5, 2003 In a message dated 6/5/2003 10:21:35 AM Eastern Daylight Time, eleeming@... writes: > I'm noticing now that in the past whenever she had something negative to > say > about someone else, it's actually in reality her describing herself and > lying about the other person. Another common thing? > > That's a common one with my mother. My entire life she would rage about how her sisters were so selfish (they weren't). When I moved to Florida I was told " your father doesn't care about you he just wants to visit and bring his girlfriend " . My mother was the first to bring her boyfriend for a week's visit as if I was running a resort. Debbie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 5, 2003 Report Share Posted June 5, 2003 Hi, , All of these things you've described are quite common behavior for BPs. First, many have been divorced (who wants to live with them????), but none of them are capable of having a " normal, healthy " relationship. My nada is BPD, my fada was NPD, MAJOR dysfuncion there, but not uncommon. As for " rewriting history " , anything that causes an emotional reaction for a BP is easier for them to handle if they exaggerate or completely fabricate the incident, that way their extreme reactions are justified. And it doesn't have to be anything major to trigger this behavior. My nada recently did this when her neighbor (who has her complete trust and is more like family than my FOO) was using her hose, with her permission, and didn't quite pull the front door closed because he was in the back yard and would be coming out the front door in a few minutes. When we pulled up, the door looked closed, but when nada went to put her key in the lock, the door opened. Well, long story short, by the time she called me 2 days later, she was in a snit about how she couldn't believe he " left that front door wide open, I could see it before we pulled into the driveway. " And that's a VERY minor example. As for your nada's having " fun " pretending she's lost, is she pretending or is she really in a dissociative state where she truly doesn't remember where she is? BPD affects the memory centers of the brain, and sometimes they really just don't remember things. My nada is getting so bad that I don't know if it's BPD or Alzheimer's Disease. Either way, she's not about to get any treatment for it, and she's aware that she can't remember things. The other behavior you're describing is called " projection " , and that's the way a BP projects their own feelings, motivations, etc., onto the other person. I think it gives us a little insight into how their minds really work, don't you? Anyway, all these behaviors are spelled out in our bibles, " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother. " I don't know how I lived without them the first 46 years of my life! It's so freeing to know that I didn't cause my nada's illness and that I can't fix it, either. What a load of responsibility slid off my shoulders 18 months ago! BTW, I'm still not " there " yet, but I'm making progress, and being a part of this group keeps me on that long road to my real " self " . Hugs, Joy > Hi and thanks. > On a further note, I should mention that since my parents divorced when I > was 11, my nada has not had a normal relationship with a man; never mind a > long lasting one. My father on the other hand remarried and just had his > 25th wedding anniversary last year - but he's the one who's not normal > (according to my nada). My sister's been married for 15 years and I've been > for 14 - we all seem to have come out of this with normal healthy long term > relationships. Nada used to rave about how great our spouses are and would > say that if there was ever going to be a problem in our marriages, it would > be mine or my sister's fault - i.e.: cheating or whatever. > > My aunt, nada's sister, has stated often that my nada " recreates family > history " and is adamant about believing it. Anyone have some stories to > share about that? Also, my nada proudly claims that for " fun " , she mentally > tells herself as she drives down our road that she has no idea where she is. > And then she says she really believes she is lost and doesn't know where > she's driving. She says she can do that with other things too, but won't > say what. Bizarre, no? > > I'm noticing now that in the past whenever she had something negative to say > about someone else, it's actually in reality her describing herself and > lying about the other person. Another common thing? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 12, 2003 Report Share Posted June 12, 2003 Hi My Mum (BPD) also ran down my father terribly. I remember being really young and playing on the floor climbing him etc as kids do, then suddenly NOTHING. There was no touching, cuddling or kissing in our house from anyone to anyone. (Now she always tries to kiss me and my husband and hug us and say she loves us (because she wants us to reciprocate - this never happened in childhood so why we would suddenly be all touchy feely for her now. She ran down Dad to the point that by the time I was ten or so, I openly hated my poor father. In reality he had done nothing, but she distorted it so badly, it was like her and I against him. He never did any wrong, just put up with her too long! Mum encouraged me to like her boyfriend over Dad, she had a long standing 20 year or so affair. She said Dad would never earn enough money to keep us in the life style she was accustomed to as he was only a mechanic. The other man had a flash car and a boat... Since leaving home I have slowly reconciled with Dad and get on like a house on fire now. Mum hates it and always says things like " he's so perfect isn't he " and she out of the blue will accuse him of sexually explicit, graphically BLUE stuff in the middle of a phone conversation (when only I can hear!) " your father *** me " and a whole torid load of rubbish about an event in a motel that never even occured. Dad has since changed his phone number as Mum was leaving sexually explicit messages desribing this non existant tryst on his answerphone, that his new and most understanding wife of five years, would not have appreciated, She knows Mum has this problem but it would be upsetting.. My mother has also accused my father of having sex with my younger sister (also BPD now), her ex partner of having (excplict description) sex with neighbours, her friends and very young girls. As a kid I was never allowed to have friends sleep over (girls) as my Mum was insanely jealous of my friends and always said nasty thigs about them to alientate them from me and and my father (wrong race, bad egg, wrong side of the tracks - anything she could find. When we were kids we'd ask who her friends were, she would say, us kids... Mum may be dead or alive as we speak as she gave me one of her I'm just going to kill myslef because I am a bad person and you are a good person " converstaions earlier. Thingis it always goes on, she just threatens and manipulates and tries hard to have no problems or dramas, she'll needle me or blow something out of proportion to have something to feed on. SO yeah, my Mum runs down my Dad, not quite so bad as yours did though. On the other hand my Mum thought her Mum (who died a few days before I was born) and who she was extemely close to, was absolute pedestal material. Maybe she was, sadly I never knew. I have heard she was not, but Mum has a golden memory of her that is blindingly unrealistic. > > Hi; > > I'm brand new to this whole BPD thing and I have my sister to thank > > for getting me to this point. Her confrontation with our mother > last > > year prompted a whole host of strange events which brought my > sister > > to therapy to deal with her finally putting my mother out of her > > life. My mother then turned to me as her focal point and that > > dissolved when she insisted that my family change it's holiday > plans > > all around to accomodate her since she would not be welcome at my > > sister's for Thanksgiving. A phonecall argument made me decide to > > write her a letter, stating how I would not take responsibility for > > their problems and how my family would continue with our holidays > as > > usual. This got me a 7 page scathing reply letter from her, never > > acknowledging my feelings; just pointing out where I was wrong. > > Regardless, I sent her a mothers day card and a birthday card, both > > having gone unanswered. It's been two months now since we've > spoken. > > > > I sought counseling myself and found out for the first time what > the > > problem was. I have no doubt in my mind that my mother has BPD. > So > > many oddities from my growing up have been answered now. I just > > finished reading " Stop Walking on Eggshells " (my god, what an > > incredible book!) and am trying to find a copy of " Understanding > your > > Mother " for more insight into this bizarre disorder. > > > > I'd love to hear from other sons (like myself) or daughters of > > mothers with BPD. The distortion campaign against my father for > the > > past 30 years was hideous. We'd been told that he had been put in > an > > institution, almost had electroshock therapy just to name a few > > things. > > > > My mom has never had any boundaries in almost every aspect of her > > life. She had an affair with a man for many years who was married > and > > involved with organized crime; an interracial relationship with > > another married man. She's always given TMI when it comes to > details > > of her sex life - Things that a young male just doesn't need to > know. > > > > I've never posted online before, so I'm not sure what to expect > from > > everyone. I'm very anxious to hear from anyone to share stories > and > > coping strategies. > > > > Help?! > > > > Thanks for listening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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