Michele - stuffing your feelings

April 28, 2003

Hi Michele:

I stuff my feelings too. This is something I've learned to be aware of, and

now I *try* to let go and not to stuff them. Unfortunately, sometimes I

stuff them *instantly* when something happens, and therefore I don't even

know what they are. Then... slowly my feelings unravel and I start feeling

them, sometimes weeks or months after something happens.

After my nephew died at a very young age, I thought I had to " be there " for

my sister, so I stuffed my feelings. About 3 years later I went into a

severe depression. This was Post Traumatic Stress. Then.... I didn't really

have anyone to talk to about it... so all those feelings hung on for many

more years until I went to therapy. Finally my therapist helped me to talk

and talk about my feelings and gave me " permission " to mourn properly for my

loss.

Trauma is also associated with keeping secrets. Keeping it a secret that my

mother was verbally abusing me every morning before school -- because she had

convinced me that I was such a terrible, terrible person -- caused trauma.

Keeping it a secret that my nephew died and all the pain in my family that

took place around that time -- and all the family secrets that took place

around that time -- all contributed to the " trauma " .

People really need to talk about their lives and need to feel their feelings.

It's " safe " to talk to a therapist many times because they keep things

confidential -- so we are safe to discuss our secrets with one person who

isn't going to repeat them! Therefore, the traumatic impact of events is

released.

I hope you can find a trusted therapist to help you through your feelings,

etc.

Love, Barb

In a message dated 4/28/03 9:25:08 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

mh51867@... writes:

> Barb, I hadn't considered PTSD â€“ I've read a little on it just

> concerning my childhood and wondering about it â€“ but I'll revisit the

> issue. I know that my mom has made the process much more warped and

> painful than normal â€“ and that because of my childhood and my huge

> walls and skill at burying emotion that I'm definitely on a much

> slower path to recovery in dealing with the loss of my sister. I

> sometimes worry that I haven't allowed myself to feel the loss and

> that it's going to come back and bite me. One of the things I am

> striving to work toward is feeling the feelings and allowing myself

> to go down the natural path of grief instead of stuffing it down deep

> to protect myself from feeling the feelings. Thanks for your

> insight â€“ you've brought up some very interesting food for thought

> for me.

>

> Michele

>

April 28, 2003

In a message dated 4/28/03 11:01:00 AM Pacific Daylight Time,

mh51867@... writes:

Hey Michele,

Any good therapist knows that sometimes clients " have " to quit to stay sane.

She wont judge you for doing this. She will see that you were doing the best

you knew how to take care of yourself.

If you have some kind of trust already built with that person, then I would

go back to her and build on that.

Warm regards

Malene

> I bailed on therapy long, long, long before we

> got there. I suppose it's time for me to try and begin again. I

> don't think I can go back to her tho. I am embarrased and humiliated

> that I just " quit " and never looked back.

>

April 28, 2003

> I stuff my feelings too. This is something I've learned to be

>aware of, and now I *try* to let go and not to stuff them.

>Unfortunately, sometimes I stuff them *instantly* when something

>happens, and therefore I don't even know what they are.

Me too! It's a terrible habit, but it's so automatic that I usually

don't think about it until I'm stressed out and experiencing

significant physical pain. I'm just now starting to figure out how

to 'trace it back', ie find the origin of the

frustration/stress/anger/sadness and work with it. Once I take the

time to identify it and deal with it, I try to remind myself to catch

it sooner the next time, but this is sooo very hard to do.

Sometimes there's a specific trigger for the stress, but not always.

I'm just so accustomed to the constant anxiety that I have to remind

myself all throughout the day to relax, relax, relax and deal with

things as they come.

April 28, 2003

I think this issue (stuffing feelings – oftentimes so quickly you

don't even realize it's happened) is the crux of (one of) the reasons

I'm stuck in the mud and not moving forward. How do you stop the

automatic knee-jerk reaction of not dealing with your issues/feelings

but instead just pushing them aside, stuffing them down deep and

trudging on ahead? Anyone have any somewhat simple guidance on

this?

Michele

>

> > I stuff my feelings too. This is something I've learned to be

> >aware of, and now I *try* to let go and not to stuff them.

> >Unfortunately, sometimes I stuff them *instantly* when something

> >happens, and therefore I don't even know what they are.

>

> Me too! It's a terrible habit, but it's so automatic that I usually

> don't think about it until I'm stressed out and experiencing

> significant physical pain. I'm just now starting to figure out how

> to 'trace it back', ie find the origin of the

> frustration/stress/anger/sadness and work with it. Once I take the

> time to identify it and deal with it, I try to remind myself to

catch

> it sooner the next time, but this is sooo very hard to do.

>

> Sometimes there's a specific trigger for the stress, but not

always.

> I'm just so accustomed to the constant anxiety that I have to

remind

> myself all throughout the day to relax, relax, relax and deal with

> things as they come.

>

April 28, 2003

Barb I just questioned out loud in a post - how does one " stop "

stuffing so automatically - and perhaps you've answered it - therapy

(?) Maybe that's how you start being authentic - by first just

telling your story and then trying to become more and more

comfortable at experiencing your story and eventually living

authentically? (A much over-simplified version of what I'm picturing

in getting that accomplished)... Still, tho, are there other things

to help get a person on the road of allowing themselves to actually

feel their emotions and live (and experience) life fully and not just

on the surface?

And what about the business of respecting yourself and allowing that

your feelings are justified and valid? How do you go about not

feeling like a 6 year old child who's opinions, thoughts and feelings

don't matter?

This is something I'm soooo passionate about with my children. They

will never feel their opinions and feelings aren't valid. I probably

go too far on the other side of the spectrum and people on the

outside looking in probably think I allow them too much freedom of

speech on our house - ha. I want them to feel they can say anything

to me and to their dad (hopefully with respect) but that I respect

what they think and feel about something - even if we totally

disagree.

I was seeing a therapist for a while it was the first time in my life

that I told my life story. Someone else here (I think Kathleen)

wrote about when they told their story to their therapist it sounded

so surreal because there was so, so much to tell. My experience was

the same - when I heard myself talking about all the stuff going on

(this was right in the middle of my sister passing, my mom acting out

horridly, and my son being committed) I couldn't believe this was my

life. I even started to laugh uncontrollably (I always laugh

inappropriately - when I'm sad, when I'm anxious, when something is

definitely NOT funny)... anyway, I started to laugh uncontrollably

and I told her - this just doesn't even sound like it could possibly

be for real! No person's life is really LIKE this!! I think what

also created such disbelief in my mind and added to the the whole

surreal-ty of the situation was the way heard myself just " telling

it " like I was ticking off items on a grocery store list - oh, yes -

and did I mention *this*...oh, and then there's *that*...oh, wait -

and did I bring up *this*?... " I got done speaking and in the

silence I suddenly found myself in, I said - I think there is

something seriously, seriously twisted about this discussion and in

the telling of it...

I went home from the appt. and just cried for hours. I was so

overwhelmed with it all - when I said it out loud, there just seemed

to be so much - so many issues. Where to even begin to unravel it

all? I was seriously overwhelmed (still am as I sit here and think

about trying and fix things). She and I did get to a place where I

believed her when she told me that so many of the things are related

to one or two core issues and that we just needed to get to those

core issues and so many other things would fall into place and I

would start to heal. I bailed on therapy long, long, long before we

got there. I suppose it's time for me to try and begin again. I

don't think I can go back to her tho. I am embarrased and humiliated

that I just " quit " and never looked back.

Michele.

> Hi Michele:

>

> I stuff my feelings too. This is something I've learned to be

aware of, and

> now I *try* to let go and not to stuff them. Unfortunately,

sometimes I

> stuff them *instantly* when something happens, and therefore I

don't even

> know what they are. Then... slowly my feelings unravel and I start

feeling

> them, sometimes weeks or months after something happens.

>

> After my nephew died at a very young age, I thought I had to " be

there " for

> my sister, so I stuffed my feelings. About 3 years later I went

into a

> severe depression. This was Post Traumatic Stress. Then.... I

didn't really

> have anyone to talk to about it... so all those feelings hung on

for many

> more years until I went to therapy. Finally my therapist helped me

to talk

> and talk about my feelings and gave me " permission " to mourn

properly for my

> loss.

>

April 28, 2003

In a message dated 4/28/03 7:36:55 PM Pacific Daylight Time, buddie@...

writes:

Hey Colleen,

Thanks for the kind answer. I couldnt agree more ). I do think you mingled

me and Michele though, but thats quite alright. Michele sounds like a really

kind person to be misunderstood as ).

Warm regards

Malene

> Hi Malene,

>

> My 2 cents is that sometimes you have the energy to move forward and

> sometimes you donâ€™t. as a KO, you have had to deal with a lot of trauma in

> your life. That takes a lot of energy to survive. Sometimes you have extra

> energy for moving forward and sometimes it takes all your energy to keep

> treading water. My best suggestion is to trust the process, as they say and

> be kind to yourself whether you are moving forward or treading water and,

> especially, if you find yourself sinking (then be amazingly kind to

> yourself). I wonder what counts as stuck in the mud and what counts as

> moving forward for you? And, I guess, how will you know when you reach your

> destination?

>

> Hey! I really like that question. How do we know when we are reaching our

> destinations? I feel good because I am getting up easy in the morning,

> progressing with my self-chosen goals (after struggling for a loooong time),

> having good relationships with friends, my BP sister, my partner, having fun

> and feeling great most of the time lately. Have I reached my destination? Is

> there more moving forward ahead of me? now is pretty amazingâ€¦can I handle

> more? Do I deserve more? What might more growth look like for me? for folks

> on the list?

>

> Do I unsubscribe when I reach my destination?

>

> Colleen Burns

> buddie@...

>

April 28, 2003

Colleen Burns

buddie@...

Re: Michele - stuffing your feelings

Maybe that's how you start being authentic - by first just

telling your story and then trying to become more and more

comfortable at experiencing your story and eventually living

authentically? (A much over-simplified version of what I'm picturing

in getting that accomplished)...

Hi Michele,

I think that is an excellent description of what has worked for me. I

started by telling my story, then I told it over and over again to whoever

could listen, and to myself, and I still tell it. And I am happy. I don’t

know about the living authentically part. I don’t’ know what living

authentically means to you. I tend to think that we all live authentically

whether we are doing well or really struggling or both.

I do know that I am a very different person than I was before I began my

journey (over 20 years now) of healing/becoming whole/becoming a decent

person, all of that.

I am much happier, more balanced, centred, wiser, sillier, goofier, more

beautiful, smarter, stronger, way more honest, more compassionate, more

sensitive, kinder, gentler,funnier, more hopeful and optimistic, more

patient, more consistent, then I was before I began and during much of the

journey.

Still, tho, are there other things

to help get a person on the road of allowing themselves to actually

feel their emotions and live (and experience) life fully and not just

on the surface?

This calls to mind a line from an old song (I think). “you

gotta get in to get out”. That’s what I believe. You gotta move into

yourself, accept yourself, create a relationship with yourself, becoming

your own best friend, really believe that you are cool, nifty, neat,

happening, worthwhile, important, gorgeous, special…

I think that people feel their emotions when they are ready to and, also,

that feeling emotions is only one part of feeling better. Do you find that

all emotions are difficult to feel? Or is particular ones? I learned to cry

when I was well into my 30’s! Now I am learning to smile and to laugh (more

fun). Maybe I couldn’t learn how to be happy (really happy, not pretend

happy) until I learned how to cry?

And what about the business of respecting yourself and allowing that

your feelings are justified and valid? How do you go about not

feeling like a 6 year old child who's opinions, thoughts and feelings

don't matter?

This is something I'm soooo passionate about with my children. They

will never feel their opinions and feelings aren't valid. I probably

go too far on the other side of the spectrum and people on the

outside looking in probably think I allow them too much freedom of

speech on our house - ha. I want them to feel they can say anything

to me and to their dad (hopefully with respect) but that I respect

what they think and feel about something - even if we totally

disagree.

If you can do this for your children then you can do it for yourself.

Practice saying the same things to yourself that you say to your children,

when they/you think/express something that you/or the critical part of you,

dismisses as childish and unimportant.

I find this very helpful. Example, poor colleen, you are so tired today and

you have so much work to do.

Or

Wow Colleen, that was Amazing! What a clever idea. You are just full of

clever ideas aren’t you?

LOL I hope this isn’t too weird but I swear, it helps to talk really kindly

to yourself, especially the childish parts and when you don’t feel good.