Guest guest Posted February 28, 2003 Report Share Posted February 28, 2003 once upon a time not too long ago, when nada was displeased, she would try the silent treatment on me (but it never bothered me, because it was a relief). With my youngest sibling when she got mad at her (like she didn't like the sis' boyfriend)...she did the full on thing like in Ya-Ya sisterhood, pulling pictures off the wall and shouting day and night about how she would never talk to sis again. With youngest sis, this would always freak her out and she would grovel back to nada. She couldn't exist (still cannot) without nada's approval. With my other sis (nada didn't like her divorce and new guy)...nada did the same yaya thing and it truly devastated that sis, who was one of the very bad split witch victims in our childhood. When nada would close me out, I would feel relief bec. I was also her therapist when I was 9. I look at my kids and how healthy their psychological lives are and I STILL get hop tootin' mad about how bad it is for a nada to dump grownup stuff on kids. What hurt me with nada was how she would trash me to my siblings ---somehow that hurt more bec. they always sided with her. anyway......it's a long road out but let me tell you that the air is fresher and the sky is bluer outside of nada land. The road out of nada land is full of pot holes and tire busting spikes....but you finally do get out of nadaland. Kathleen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2003 Report Share Posted March 7, 2003 > > > When I was thirteen my > mother stopped speaking to me for three months because i told her a > joke, which she thought implied that I did not like her. Someone had > told me the joke at school and I was simply repeating it. ..... ............ I would > really like to know if anyone has had a similar experience. That > event marked the change in my life which can never be repaired. > > Hi , Your story too, is just so sad and painful. it breaks my heart to think of you as an only child with your mother refusing to speak to you (because of a joke you told!!!). that is shocking behaviour, unconscionable, really. To answer your question, MY BP father used silence as a tactic of punishment for (anything, the wind blowing in the wrong direction, whatever). but it was not his primary modus operandi and it did not last for months. maybe as long as a week on ocassion? but he definitely used the silent treatment to express disgust with us (me, my mom, and my sisters). for example, he found our table manners so disgusting that he would refused to eat with us ( we never ate as a family) and sometimes he would stand in the kitchen and silent observe our table manners with complete disgust on his face before either expressing rage or leaving the room in disgust. I feel so heavy with sorrow when i think about this stuff sometimes... Colleen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2003 Report Share Posted March 7, 2003 Colleen, you have to remember that your dad had/has a mental illness. It isn't anything you did and there's nothing you can do to fix him. You can fix yourself and obviously , you've already started. Be glad that you separated yourself from him - that took guts! and be thankful that you aren't married to a BP! My nada likes the silent treatment, too. It used to hurt because I bought into the line that I had caused it and it was my fault - NOT! I hope to get over all this somewhere in the future - I know that the emotional healing follows at a slower pace than the intellectual knowledge....so baby steps.... I'm glad you found us! Ilene sorefeet22001 wrote: > > > > > > > When I was thirteen my > > mother stopped speaking to me for three months because i told her a > > joke, which she thought implied that I did not like her. Someone > had > > told me the joke at school and I was simply repeating it. ..... > ........... > > I would > > really like to know if anyone has had a similar experience. That > > event marked the change in my life which can never be repaired. > > > > Hi , Your story too, is just so sad and painful. it > breaks my heart to think of you as an only child with your mother > refusing to speak to you (because of a joke you told!!!). that is > shocking behaviour, unconscionable, really. To answer your question, > MY BP father used silence as a tactic of punishment for (anything, > the wind blowing in the wrong direction, whatever). but it was not > his primary modus operandi and it did not last for months. maybe as > long as a week on ocassion? but he definitely used the silent > treatment to express disgust with us (me, my mom, and my sisters). > for example, he found our table manners so disgusting that he would > refused to eat with us ( we never ate as a family) and sometimes he > would stand in the kitchen and silent observe our table manners with > complete disgust on his face before either expressing rage or leaving > the room in disgust. I feel so heavy with sorrow when i think about > this stuff sometimes... > > Colleen > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2003 Report Share Posted March 7, 2003 Colleen, you have to remember that your dad had/has a mental illness. It isn't anything you did and there's nothing you can do to fix him. You can fix yourself and obviously , you've already started. Be glad that you separated yourself from him - that took guts! and be thankful that you aren't married to a BP! My nada likes the silent treatment, too. It used to hurt because I bought into the line that I had caused it and it was my fault - NOT! I hope to get over all this somewhere in the future - I know that the emotional healing follows at a slower pace than the intellectual knowledge....so baby steps.... I'm glad you found us! Ilene sorefeet22001 wrote: > > > > > > > When I was thirteen my > > mother stopped speaking to me for three months because i told her a > > joke, which she thought implied that I did not like her. Someone > had > > told me the joke at school and I was simply repeating it. ..... > ........... > > I would > > really like to know if anyone has had a similar experience. That > > event marked the change in my life which can never be repaired. > > > > Hi , Your story too, is just so sad and painful. it > breaks my heart to think of you as an only child with your mother > refusing to speak to you (because of a joke you told!!!). that is > shocking behaviour, unconscionable, really. To answer your question, > MY BP father used silence as a tactic of punishment for (anything, > the wind blowing in the wrong direction, whatever). but it was not > his primary modus operandi and it did not last for months. maybe as > long as a week on ocassion? but he definitely used the silent > treatment to express disgust with us (me, my mom, and my sisters). > for example, he found our table manners so disgusting that he would > refused to eat with us ( we never ate as a family) and sometimes he > would stand in the kitchen and silent observe our table manners with > complete disgust on his face before either expressing rage or leaving > the room in disgust. I feel so heavy with sorrow when i think about > this stuff sometimes... > > Colleen > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2003 Report Share Posted March 7, 2003 My mom used to get upset and say she was going to kill herself. Then she would go in her room take 2 or 3 valiums (drug of choice at the time, now it's Xanax) and pass out for a day or two. Holidays were especially bad. RE: Periodic Abandonment > Something we did made her angry; she told us that we didn't deserve > to have such a wonderful mother. She told us to see just how well we > could live and manage if we were living all on our own without a > mother, and then she got in the car and drove away. She came back > about ten minutes later, but those ten minutes were absolutely > terrifying for two kids who thought they had been abandoned. My mother did this too, multiple times. We three kids would run crying to the car, begging her to stay, but she would leave anyway. She milked it a lot longer, too. We'd plead with her to stay and she'd delay leaving for a while. And after she left, she'd be gone for hours. Sometimes overnight. We never knew if/when she'd be back. These longer periods were when we were older. Also, my father was usually at home with us. My father would say stuff like, don't worry, she'll be back (and he was right) but it still bothered me a lot. Made me feel like I was inadequate and it was my fault that she was leaving. Actually, as I got older I even started to ask myself why I wanted her to come back when I hated how she treated me (or ignored me) most of the time. But there must have been a strong desire to be loved by her that made me scared she would leave us forever. Marjorie in Oregon ahimsa@... Free your books! See books I've set free at: http://bookcrossing.com/referral/ahimsa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2003 Report Share Posted March 7, 2003 My mom used to get upset and say she was going to kill herself. Then she would go in her room take 2 or 3 valiums (drug of choice at the time, now it's Xanax) and pass out for a day or two. Holidays were especially bad. RE: Periodic Abandonment > Something we did made her angry; she told us that we didn't deserve > to have such a wonderful mother. She told us to see just how well we > could live and manage if we were living all on our own without a > mother, and then she got in the car and drove away. She came back > about ten minutes later, but those ten minutes were absolutely > terrifying for two kids who thought they had been abandoned. My mother did this too, multiple times. We three kids would run crying to the car, begging her to stay, but she would leave anyway. She milked it a lot longer, too. We'd plead with her to stay and she'd delay leaving for a while. And after she left, she'd be gone for hours. Sometimes overnight. We never knew if/when she'd be back. These longer periods were when we were older. Also, my father was usually at home with us. My father would say stuff like, don't worry, she'll be back (and he was right) but it still bothered me a lot. Made me feel like I was inadequate and it was my fault that she was leaving. Actually, as I got older I even started to ask myself why I wanted her to come back when I hated how she treated me (or ignored me) most of the time. But there must have been a strong desire to be loved by her that made me scared she would leave us forever. Marjorie in Oregon ahimsa@... Free your books! See books I've set free at: http://bookcrossing.com/referral/ahimsa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2003 Report Share Posted March 7, 2003 i was so ignorant that I didn't realize for ages that the letter from nada disinheriting me was " abandonment " ! This list can really open your eyes to what constitutes abuse! Ilene Beth wrote: > > > My mom used to get upset and say she was going to kill herself. > Then she would go in her room take 2 or 3 valiums (drug of choice at > the time, now it's Xanax) and pass out for a day or two. Holidays > were especially bad. > > > > > > > > > I've been reading these " abandonment " messages and thinking how > horrible, at least my mother didn't do that. And then I read the > above > and thought, D'OH. The suicide threats. What can make a kid feel more > danger of abandonment than them? My God, the things we get used to. > (and yes, , the holidays. One crystal-clear memory: Me > standing on a ladder, decorating the Christmas tree, and having my > mother arrive home from work, furious about something, and telling > me, > " If I learned I had cancer tomorrow, I'd laugh. " Well, merry > Christmas > to you, too, Mom. I think I was about fifteen. > > Beth > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2003 Report Share Posted March 7, 2003 wrote: > My mom used to get upset and say she was going to kill > herself. Then she would go in her room take 2 or 3 valiums > (drug of choice at the time, now it's Xanax) and pass out for > a day or two. That's horrible. At least my mother saved the suicide threats until after we were grown up and out of the house. My mother also took Valium. She was addicted for 27 years. Marjorie in Oregon ahimsa@... Free your books! See books I've set free at: http://bookcrossing.com/referral/ahimsa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2003 Report Share Posted March 7, 2003 same here - my nada didn't threaten suicide until about 8 yrs ago. Ilene ahimsa wrote: > wrote: > > My mom used to get upset and say she was going to kill > > herself. Then she would go in her room take 2 or 3 valiums > > (drug of choice at the time, now it's Xanax) and pass out for > > a day or two. > > That's horrible. At least my mother saved the suicide threats > until after we were grown up and out of the house. My mother > also took Valium. She was addicted for 27 years. > > Marjorie in Oregon > ahimsa@... > > Free your books! See books I've set free at: > http://bookcrossing.com/referral/ahimsa > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2003 Report Share Posted March 7, 2003 > - my nada didn't threaten suicide until about 8 yrs ago. > Ilene After I was 6 I didn't hear any more suicide threats from my mother until about 6 months ago. Then she told me that she felt suicidal after my last visit 3 years ago. More of a guilt trip than a threat. I have a good response for that. I don't plan to visit her. I always did it out of duty, not because I wanted to. Since my sister is 4 years younger than me, our mother must have been telling her about suicide after she quit telling me. I think she had given up on me as a lost cause, that is the only thing that saved me. My sister doesn't want her leg off, but she does have body identity problems of another kind and is phobic about lots of things. - Dan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 8, 2003 Report Share Posted March 8, 2003 Nada would emotionally and physically abandon me (and herself) for short periods. The worse was the Threat of it happening. She told me several times that she was only there (in the marriage, in her life) because she had me and that she wished she had never had me. Being an only child I felt so guilty. I felt like if she actually left then it would be my fault. Once I grew up, I turned it around and started saying, ok,so go already. Then both my parents were turned around and saying that no they loved one another and would not be going anywhere. I never put things together that it was a form of abandonment / things like being told that we would put Christmas off for a month or so while they traveled. I was in high school during that time. No one stayed with me. The bills were payed and I ate, made excellent grades, etc. all by myself. Then the next moment I would be told how incompetent I was and that I needed her to tell me how to do EVERYTHING. confusing When dad was around I do remember him saying that she would be back, not to worry. I had completely forgot about much of that stuff. Dad traveled months at a time and that left her and I together. I felt a sense of relief when she would leave and go to be with him and I was alone. I can't imagine leaving my children completely alone especially not weeks at a time. I too share the experience of hearing her tell the plans of leaving my dad and my high concern while he was gone all to have her wrap her arms around him when he walked in the door. I think that was just her inability to acknowledge that someone loved her if she could not see them. He would leave about the time she was starting to blow and I would be left again to deal with what was. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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