Just wondering (adult)

[Guest guest]

First off, allow me to apologize for the very lewd posts I've made lately. I

offer no excuse other than pure and total rage.

One thought however keeps entering my mind. Why am I alive?

I'm serious. Think about it....when one dies everyone close to that person is

at first shocked, than goes through a state of mourning but within short order

is back to a normal life.

I'm in no way suggesting nor contemplating suicide, but would love to know

why in Gods' name couldn't I have just flat out dropped dead rather than deal

with a life with very few positives.

I hate my physical self, I hate the almost constant pain be it minor or

excruciating, I hate the fact that most around you seem to blame you, so on & so

forth. Why have a life at all? Is it some demented form of torture that allows

you a productive life for a long time than takes it from you in one quick

" swoop " to see how you react?

I just don't get it.

I also am on a mission against a few of my Dr's if you haven't read my prior

posts. I thought they took an oath to help people, not manipulate and

(intentionally or not) torture the living hell out of them.

I have faith and have always prayed in my own way. I don't agree with the

church (I'm Catholic) but learned from a priest when I was an alter boy that

faith doesn't require a church anyway, it is either something you have and trust

or you don't. I have it and trust it but it isn't helping my mentality at this

point as I am in total ******* agony.

One thing that is really making me boil is that all of my Dr's have been

dealing with me essentially since this started and I consistently go downhill

hard and fast once the cold weather arrives, yet they can't put 2 + 2 together.

They keep trying the same old shit that works just fine when the pain is at a

lower level but do nothing but infuriate the hell out of me once the pain

becomes the center of my life.

I don't know who to turn to at this point. I'm thinking of writing a scathing

letter to my pain Dr. for him to read on Monday as I know all to well if I have

to talk to him about how I feel about him at this stage I will get in trouble

for bashing the ever living shit out of him. He's pushed me way past " the edge "

and I will readily admit I'm out of control once there. And please believe me

when I say it takes a whole hell of a lot to push me past my limits as I am an

incredibly patient man. This has been building since July when I first started

having problems with my thoracic spine affecting my sleep and he started punting

me all over the place like a football.

I've been trying to " mellow " out all day and even took my youngest son (my

oldest is at a birthday party) on a short fishing trip (it is colder than hell

but I knew he'd enjoy it for a short amount of time) yet as soon as we were done

I could almost feel my blood " boiling " again. It's bad enough I've had to break

out my walker that I was told I'd never need again but the pain just keeps

pounding me, and I can't stand it anymore.

If anyone has any sensible advice, please send it this way. I am at a loss.

All I want to do is get through tomorrow's game and than if they have to carry

me off of the field and put me in the resort they can do it, as if that'll do

any ****** good.

My private email is kbonanny@... if you wish to keep it off list.