Re: God hate-mail

March 27, 2003

Hi Michele-

First, to someone " out here " , it seems like M should not be logging onto R's

journal to begin with.... maybe it wasn't all that much of an accident. Am I off

base here? All-good and All-bad adult children often get sucked into the

sabbotage-trip. But that is now water under the proverbial bridge and the damage

is done.

R has a right to live his own life happily. Seems like R and any of the rest of

you need to block nada's emails first thing, give yourselves time to strategize

and breathe and try to support each other. You can't change her (duh- especially

when she has GOD on her side) }

My sister and I are in the same corner together NOW, for which I am sincerely

and eternally grateful. We need each other to validate and help to support the

fact that we need to be our SELF(s).

This is VERY, VERY sad- I wish you the best. As my therapist-friend puts it 'she

(nada) needs to stew in her own juices for awhile'. Good luck and take care,

Christy

God hate-mail

Hi all,

I'm experiencing sky-high stress levels today, and since my normal

stress-management isn't helping, I figured I'd post this in the hopes

that it would help.

I have three brothers, R, the oldest, M, the middle, and P, the

youngest. To make a really long story short, M was home for spring

break and logged into R's online journal. Well, he accidentally left

it up, and nada found it. Lots of unpleasant words in there about

her, but also she discovered that he lives an 'alternate lifestyle'.

R hadn't told nada about this, because she's a religious fanatic.

Well, now that she knows, she can use it in her " woe is me " campaign.

Both M and P got the brunt of her initial rages because they were

both home at the time. Yesterday, the hate-mail started. She has

church members involved as well as our psychotic uncle, and they're

sending email to R about how he's going to hell and how could he and

what a disgusting way to live and how God hates him, etc. R has

responded to at least one of them, but I haven't heard the details on

his responses yet. M is also still getting raged at for trying to

defend R - he's received scathing emails and phone calls from nada. I

have no doubt that P is getting his share, too.

This is the first 'incident' since I started reading UBM, and I'm

disappointed that I'm not handling this better. So far I've only been

involved indirectly, but I'm so stressed that I've been battling a

constant headache, back pain, stomach pain, you name it. I can feel

the violence crackling in the air, even though all of these people

are miles away from me. I don't know, I just can't handle intentional

cruelty, and especially not using God as a weapon. I don't want to

desert my brothers, but I know I'm not helping anybody when I'm so

stressed out. How do I deal with this?

March 27, 2003

, try not to get triangulated...in other words don't get in the

middle. You can set boundaries with nada or whomever that you won't

talk about your brothers and repeat it whenever someone tries to roll

over you. Remember, this topic is volatile for lots of families and you

might want to see about joining an organization for families in this

situation...support never hurts! I'm sorry that the church members are

getting dragged into this by your nada. Maybe you could talk to the

pastor about all of this - including your nada's problems and get him to

put a stop to the hasassment or to act as a mediator - that is if he

isn't also part of the problem.

Good luck!

Ilene

sherby2k wrote:

> Hi all,

>

> I'm experiencing sky-high stress levels today, and since my normal

> stress-management isn't helping, I figured I'd post this in the hopes

> that it would help.

>

> I have three brothers, R, the oldest, M, the middle, and P, the

> youngest. To make a really long story short, M was home for spring

> break and logged into R's online journal. Well, he accidentally left

> it up, and nada found it. Lots of unpleasant words in there about

> her, but also she discovered that he lives an 'alternate lifestyle'.

>

> R hadn't told nada about this, because she's a religious fanatic.

> Well, now that she knows, she can use it in her " woe is me " campaign.

> Both M and P got the brunt of her initial rages because they were

> both home at the time. Yesterday, the hate-mail started. She has

> church members involved as well as our psychotic uncle, and they're

> sending email to R about how he's going to hell and how could he and

> what a disgusting way to live and how God hates him, etc. R has

> responded to at least one of them, but I haven't heard the details on

> his responses yet. M is also still getting raged at for trying to

> defend R - he's received scathing emails and phone calls from nada. I

> have no doubt that P is getting his share, too.

>

> This is the first 'incident' since I started reading UBM, and I'm

> disappointed that I'm not handling this better. So far I've only been

> involved indirectly, but I'm so stressed that I've been battling a

> constant headache, back pain, stomach pain, you name it. I can feel

> the violence crackling in the air, even though all of these people

> are miles away from me. I don't know, I just can't handle intentional

> cruelty, and especially not using God as a weapon. I don't want to

> desert my brothers, but I know I'm not helping anybody when I'm so

> stressed out. How do I deal with this?

>

March 27, 2003

>

> , try not to get triangulated...in other words don't get in

>the middle.

You're absolutely right, Ilene. I'm 29 years old and you'd think I'd

learn to stay out of it. But I felt bad for my FOO, so I got

involved. And I'm paying for it now.

R (my older brother, who is NPD as well) just informed me that he's

going to 'retaliate' by sending nada 'colorful' articles about the

gay lifestyle. I asked him why, and he said " Because it's funny " . I

don't think it's funny at all. It won't solve anything, and it's only

going to make everything worse - for all of us. I can't blame him for

his anger, but his reaction tells me all I need to know about the

kind of person he's become.

I'm soooo done with the FOO. I can't save any of them, and I always

pay for it when I try. So I'm simply not going to try anymore. I'll

work on saving myself.

March 27, 2003

> Whoa- I take back my original advice and sincerely apologize.......

>but I don't take back how sorry I am.

> Your bro should not make fun of nada- it will make things worse-

>have any of your bros read UBM?

No apologies necessary, Christy - I sincerely wanted and hoped that I

could find mutual support among my sibs, but I'm learning the hard

way that that isn't going to happen.

When I told R about UBM, he told me that he didn't care what her

problem was, that she was evil and that's all he cared to know. R

then told M about what I was reading - I hadn't planned on telling M,

because I didn't think he was ready to talk about it. When M asked me

about it, I misunderstood his question and thought he WANTED to know

about it, so I started telling him a little of what I've learned.

Another slap in the face - he told me that I was over-reacting and

exaggerating nada's condition. She is " moody " sometimes, but isn't

everybody? " All families have problems, " he said. M is doing some

major avoidance right now. And P (my youngest bro) won't even talk

about family issues - he's still living with nada and in 'survival

mode'.

> Sending tons of support your way.... take good care,

Thanks, Christy. I'm gonna try.

March 27, 2003

You've made a wise choice - yourself. Only you can save yourself and

they will always try to pull you down until they find new ways to cope.

Ilene

sherby2k wrote:

> >

> > , try not to get triangulated...in other words don't get in

> >the middle.

>

> You're absolutely right, Ilene. I'm 29 years old and you'd think I'd

> learn to stay out of it. But I felt bad for my FOO, so I got

> involved. And I'm paying for it now.

>

> R (my older brother, who is NPD as well) just informed me that he's

> going to 'retaliate' by sending nada 'colorful' articles about the

> gay lifestyle. I asked him why, and he said " Because it's funny " . I

> don't think it's funny at all. It won't solve anything, and it's only

> going to make everything worse - for all of us. I can't blame him for

> his anger, but his reaction tells me all I need to know about the

> kind of person he's become.

>

> I'm soooo done with the FOO. I can't save any of them, and I always

> pay for it when I try. So I'm simply not going to try anymore. I'll

> work on saving myself.

>

March 27, 2003

You've made a wise choice - yourself. Only you can save yourself and

they will always try to pull you down until they find new ways to cope.

Ilene

sherby2k wrote:

> >

> > , try not to get triangulated...in other words don't get in

> >the middle.

>

> You're absolutely right, Ilene. I'm 29 years old and you'd think I'd

> learn to stay out of it. But I felt bad for my FOO, so I got

> involved. And I'm paying for it now.

>

> R (my older brother, who is NPD as well) just informed me that he's

> going to 'retaliate' by sending nada 'colorful' articles about the

> gay lifestyle. I asked him why, and he said " Because it's funny " . I

> don't think it's funny at all. It won't solve anything, and it's only

> going to make everything worse - for all of us. I can't blame him for

> his anger, but his reaction tells me all I need to know about the

> kind of person he's become.

>

> I'm soooo done with the FOO. I can't save any of them, and I always

> pay for it when I try. So I'm simply not going to try anymore. I'll

> work on saving myself.

>

March 27, 2003

> R (my older brother, who is NPD as well) just informed me that he's

> going to 'retaliate' by sending nada 'colorful' articles about the

> gay lifestyle. I asked him why, and he said " Because it's funny " . I

> don't think it's funny at all. It won't solve anything, and it's

> only going to make everything worse - for all of us. I can't blame

> him for his anger, but his reaction tells me all I need to know

> about the kind of person he's become.

>

> I'm soooo done with the FOO. I can't save any of them, and I always

> pay for it when I try. So I'm simply not going to try anymore. I'll

> work on saving myself.

>

I think that sounds like a good idea too (saving yourself). It's

really screwed up that even though what your nada has done (is doing)

is hideous, it seems like you aren't even able to offer your brother

support because he's adding to the chaos. It's too bad that she's

able to find small minded people to back up her warped (IMO) beliefs

about how he " chooses " to live HIS life. I would just try to

remember that he doesn't HAVE to read these nasty emails any more

than she HAS to read his emails (or live his life). Sounds like a

real mess to me, one that I'd want no part of either!

You said you were disappointed you weren't handling it better, but

really, at least you know what is causing you the stress. That's a

big accomplishment as far as I'm concerned. You also wrote it down,

that probably helped a little, it usually helps me to get the

thoughts out of my head. I don't know about you, but when stuff like

this used to happen with my foo, before I knew about BPD and the

confusion it causes, I would be making myself nuts trying to get

everyone to behave, probably even trying to get the brother to go

back " in the closet " and trying to get nada to believe it was all a

joke. I probably would have written back really mean, nasty emails

trying to stick up for the brother and at the same time try to

reassure nada that her son wasn't going to " burn in hell. " I think

you're handling it pretty good actually!

Just my thoughts on it. Hope you're feeling better. :)rachel

March 27, 2003