RE: Moved Away

[Guest guest]

When I moved away from the USA I had nightmares for about 6 months

about having to go back. They were more about the legal system that

had worked me over really badly, than they were about my FOO. I

think my mind had to process this stuff and there was nothing to do

but wait it out.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

When I moved away from the USA I had nightmares for about 6 months

about having to go back. They were more about the legal system that

had worked me over really badly, than they were about my FOO. I

think my mind had to process this stuff and there was nothing to do

but wait it out.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

A little history.

In Dec. 1998 I graduated from college and decided to move away also

clear across the country. I lived there for two years. The underlying

reasons I moved that far away was because at the time I truly thought

that I was the _itch that nada had deemed me to be in the eyes of my

FOO. You know the rule of the self-fulfilling prophecy well I had become

the _itch that nada deemed me to be. Basically, I believed I was the

problem and went away to fix the problem. During the two years away, I

kept in contact with my FOO but I did work on self and began changing

the part of the problem that was me. Two years into living away from

nada and FOO I thought I had truly come to appreciate my nada and FOO so

I decided to return.

When I returned in 2001, I moved into an apartment with nada (don't ask

me what I was thinking - it was the FOG that had me blinded). Within

less than two months of living with nada, the FOG lifted and I found

self smack dab right in the middle of hell. It began as flashbacks that

hit me when I witnessed nada raging and belittling my great nephew, age

7 at the time. Instead of having the ability to rescue him, I froze and

coward in my bedroom like a 7 year old myself wanting to hide from the

rage and attack of the wicked witch nada. A few days later I was sitting

in an office with my new therapist attempting once again to understand

the dynamics of the situation.

This is when my world opened to the knowledge about BPD. Suddenly my

world view seemed to make sense. It was named. The craziness making

world I had lived in for 31 years suddenly seemed separated from myself,

however I was still smack dab in the middle of the craziness making

world of my BPD mother. A year's lease kept me from being able to leave

the world of my nada. The next ten months were not easy by no means, but

I did confront nada and told her that I didn't wish to be a part of the

crazy making world she lived in. I remained hidden in my room for 10

months until the opportunity arose for me to make a getaway. I decided

to relocate in a town far enough away that the FOO wouldn't drive

however close enough if I wanted to return I could.

It has now been ten months since that move away. I was extremely lucky

because my therapist was also in the process of relocating and I was

able to continue going to her for therapy. It hasn't been easy these

past ten months. Suddenly for the first time in my life I was living on

my own and had the freedom to experience a life that was all mine and

for the life of me I couldn't figure out what to do with it. It was like

starting all over. Even down to the bare minimum of learning how to take

care of self physically. The realization of knowing that nada had me so

dependent on her was such a shameful feeling I experienced and dealt

with for the first couple of months. Even my move when living on the

other side of the country now made sense because the dependency was

transferred onto someone that fulfilled the shoes of nada.

The past ten months of living on my own has been like walking through

the trenches of the Amazon is how I visualize it. There were days when I

thought I would not see the light of tomorrow. The world of nightmares

filled my days with trying to understand the depths of my inner world

pain leaving me exhausted for the awaking hours when focusing on

full-time graduate school and full-time work seemed completely

impossible. I feel like I have been living on the edge of doom, but now

I am able to say that I am so extremely happy with myself that I kept

hanging on refusing to give up and taking the step off the edge into the

pit of doom.

Two months ago, I got tired of the phone calls and emails from nada and

decided it was time to bring communication with her to a complete halt.

It was another one of those steps that felt as if it was leading to no

surface underneath where my footing would land, however I can say now

that was just a misperceived feeling. Nada has respected my choice to

stop communication except for one email forward and a card sent to me at

Easter without direct attacks but indirect ones I feel. Her attempts

have been to use silence as the weapon which in the past were successful

for her. While her silence is deafening I am choosing to transform the

silence into peace.

The nightmarish and crazy making dreams continue while I continue to

make every effort possible to understand the true meaning behind them to

transform them into a tool to use in understanding and healing the hurt

within. Just this past week a new realization has approached my thought

processes and resulted in opening up a back door to new memories that

lead to the understanding of how such dependency was created by nada for

me to remain attached to her. While realizing that nada did provide

comfort to me as a child, I have been able to see the weird and

distorted connection that was provided by this sense of comfort. A

comfort that leads to huge amounts of shame that I will need to

overcome, but yet an understanding of how the world of a little child

can be distorted, skewed and manipulated into believing that the problem

was her rather than the core of the problem being nada.

Leaving the FOO was difficult for me. I had three grown-up nieces (two

of which I raised throughout their teen-aged years) and two

great-nephews that I didn't want to leave behind. Realizing that

remaining in the craziness making world of nada was the worst thing I

could do for self and for my nieces and great-nephews. By staying I was

reinforcing the philosophy of nada's crazy making world. By leaving I

opened the doors to not only self but an example that leaving was

possible if and when my nieces and great-nephew decided on their own to

leave. Of course my great-nephews aren't old enough to do that on their

own, however the best thing I could do for them was show their mothers a

possible path for leaving nada's world of crazy making. It doesn't make

relieve the guilt I feel for not being able to bring both my nieces and

great-nephews with me, however it does help me to see that my nieces are

responsible adults who now have the ability to make their own decisions.

What they chose to do in that decision making process only they can

decide, but I can leave knowing that I set a positive example rather

than staying amongst the crazy making world of nada reinforcing that any

other world other than nada's didn't exist. I made a promise to myself

and to my great-nephews (only young children) that if at any time I was

aware that I needed to make a phone call to child protective services

that I would and a promise to make every effort possible to educate

their mothers (my nieces) of the dynamics of living in the world of a

BPD nada. Letting go of responsibility was the most difficult thing to

do, but has been the most beneficial thing I could do for self and for

them. If I am not healthy then whatever I do will not be helpful in a

healthy way.

I am not sure if this has been helpful for you Jill, but I wanted to let

you know that the light at the end of the tunnel does exist. The light

for me is getting brighter and brighter. The light for me represents

freedom. The freedom to be me. The freedom by being me allows me to help

others. The freedom means leaving a crazy making world and creating a

new world that exist on a much healthier sense of reality. The freedom

to make changes within my own life knowing that those changes will in

one way or another positively impact the lives of others because they

are not blinded by the FOG of nada's BPD world.

I wish you the best Jill on your journey and wanted to let you know that

you aren't alone. Your words rang so true to me. It's not easy and I can

validate the inner turmoil you must be feeling. Just know every step you

take towards your own world is a positive step impacting not only your

life but the lives of so many more. When I get frustrated with the inner

turmoil I feel, I put on music that helps to remind me that I am worth

it. Or sometimes I just sing myself the little tune. " put one foot in

front of the other and soon you'll be walking out the door.put one foot

in front of the other and soon nada's BPD world will be no more " <g> I

added the last little piece to remind me what I was walking away from.

Take care and know I am thinking and wishing the best for you on your

journey!!!

SueAnn )

Moved Away

Dear Foo Fighters:

I have posted here in the past, in regard to making decisions about

moving

away from Nada and the FOO.

I did it. I got a job and the most beautiful apartment in a state where

the

sun is always shining. I just got here about a week ago, and started

the job

right away.

I am alternating between feeling free for the first time in my life, and

still feeling horribly connected to Nada in times of self-doubt. I am

so

concerned about retaliation, since my nada very skilling at punishing or

discouraging independence, a common nada trait. And this is the tactic

she

used most of all to keep me in line, all the way up until last year,

when I

got UBM and the lightbulb went on.

Also, I have been having terrible dreams. About my nephews, who are in

the

clutches of my witch borderline sister, and guilt that I have about

abandoning the situation, about the Foo, and there is a lot of anger and

trauma coming at me from them in my dreams. I've been waking up over

the

past few days in terror, and in fear that I made a terrible mistake. I

feel

like I am being sucked into the FOG, even though now I am 1500 miles

away.

Has anyone ever experienced this kind of dream activity and anxiety upon

moving away from Nada and the FOO? And, if so, what did you do to make

yourself feel better?

Thanks,

Jill