Re: TY Malene, Kate, Anigrae, Hania, Anglels and vwaluhh

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 5/25/03 11:50:45 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

spiritxyz@... writes:

Hey There ).

Its good to hear back from you.

Its funny, I sometimes feel like I am being " too hard " on my mom as well.

That I know she tried to love me the best she knew how. She tried to do the best

for me to the best of her ability. You know, I even want to make excuses for

her sexually molesting me. I mean, she just wanted to show me affection right?

She was touching me sexually because she wanted to show me affection, and I

rejected her. When I get down this path of thinking then it becomes ME who is

mean to HER by rejecting her. THat is what she has always taught me as well, and

it is the excuses i made for her at the time it happened. When we are kids we

need to make excuses for our parents because we are dependent on them. We

absolutely need to believe that they are not out to hurt us, because otherwise

we

wont survive. Some of this stays with us. It is only realizing that I would

NEVER make excuses for someone elses mom who did what my mom did that then

reminds me it is ok to feel hurt, angry, and to call what she did wrong.

However, I dont feel a need to compare my mom to other people's mom to find

out who is worse than the other, or who is better than the other. The scars I

carry are as real as the scars someone else carry and I respect all our scars.

There is only one way to start to move towards healing and that is to talk

about it.

So ok, the good you say. My mom has done a lot of good for me as well. There

is no doubt about this, but I guess at this time I question her motivation

with doing the good things for me. Either way, my mom does have a lot of good

qualities. I so grieve that I know many of those good qualities have now finally

gotten swallowed up by her sickness. When I think of getting back in contact

with her I think of the good qualities, and how I can possibly set boundaries

in place that would allow those good qualities some room to blossom. I am

thrilled that your mom has mellowed out, and is showing more of her good

qualities.

I would definitely say to enjoy that. Even as you acknowledge the good

qualities in her though, it is still ok to talk about the hurt.

Warm regards

Malene

> Hi

>

> I posted something on April 17 and I want to thank you all for your

> responses and the time you spent on writing them. I really did and do

> appreciate it. I meant to come back sooner to thank you... at the

> time, I wrote out another thing, about the good things in her, and

> also the sources of her behavior. Also, I got the feeling that she

> wasn't as bad as the other mothers here..... And I guess I was afraid

> of coming back here- afraid of focusing on the negative. See, I still

> don't know how much of this is my imagination. What I wrote is the

> truth. And there's more. But there's also the good stuff. And there's

> me. It's true she never thought her behavoir was wrong and cannot

> say " I'm sorry " or take responsibility even over trivial things. But

> she's mellowed quite a bit, though still, I think, is quite twisted.

> Me, I'm a recovering alcoholic- 4 years June 6. I was an isolator but

> I think I'm seeing now that- perhaps- I was actually a codependant

> (on no one ) all along. Anyway, I'm really going to get myself

> settled up- I'm ready to open up and face whatever it is if it's me-

> through doctors and AA. I'd like to post the good stuff I wrote

> about her here- to see what you think. But I'm busy these days and I

> don't want to get carried away with this. I'll have more time in a

> month. I'd like to do that- I'm thinking that even more than a

> psychiatrist- or at least in addition to a psychiatrist, you ladies

> may be able to help me figure this out- for which I would be very

> very grateful.

>

> thank you very much again

>