New member, and PANDAS

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

I'm Dan, 58 years old, married. I am an American living in France, a

safe distance from my family of origin. I have been active in NonNPD-

oasis7 for a while and Edith suggested that I join this group because

there are guys here, at least one (Hi Doug).

My family background is pretty screwy and as the oldest I suffered

the most. My parents are both models of perfection as seen from

outside the family. That image must be upheld at any cost. I have

always felt that I am the victim of a " reverse Oedipus complex " - my

mother wanted to use me for a surrogate spouse and my father wanted

to kill me. I am the black sheep of the family and that is the only

thing that has preserved most of my sanity.

I am struggling with an unusual problem - all my life I have wished I

were one-legged. In the last two years this feeling has become

overwhelming, to the point where it is difficult to refrain from

doing something to cause an amputation. I did manage to break the

leg I want off in a skiing accident last year. Full time crutch use

for 3 months only reinforced my wish to be one-legged.

Part of the reason for the increase in these feelings may be due to a

very abusive job situation in which my boss repeated the isolation

and disdain I felt as a child, and I was completely unable to cope

with it. I started therapy a year ago with a Jungian analyst, to

deal with depression and the felt need to lose my leg. I have been

in therapy before, but up till this time I never had the courage to

discuss the amputation obsession with a therapist.

I think this therapy has helped me a lot with self-image and coping

skills. I managed to get assigned to a different boss, despite a

campaign of threats and lies by my previous boss, and I am much

happier in my work. I am learning not to expect any support or

understanding from my family. But the amputation obsession is still

just as strong.

Last week I went to a doctor for a complete physical checkup. This

is the first time in 15 years I have done that. My ability to do it

reflects progress I am making in therapy, I think.

The doctor discovered a heart murmer, and referred me to a

cardiologist I will see in January. She said it was a systolic

murmer that sounded like mitral insufficiency, and asked me about my

history of streptococcal infections. This murmer has been noted from

time to time since I was a teenager, but it was depended on my

position and sometimes wasn't there at all. Now she noted it both

sitting and lying down.

As a child I had many strep throat infections and ear infections, and

had my tonsils removed at the age of 6. At about the age of 10 I had

scarlatina. Rheumatic fever was never diagnosed, but it is common

after scarlatina.

So, Edith, your posting on PANDAS got me to thinking that it is

possible that my need to have a leg removed could be related to the

streptococcal infections. The treatments mentioned in the article

seemed to be directed towards children. At my age, maybe it is too

late, and the only cure for the obsession will be to have my leg off.

This group is enormously active, I don't have any nearly enough time

or perseverence to follow all the postings. Are there any other guys

here besides Doug?

Best regards,

- Dan