Re: All-good vs. all-bad children

April 5, 2003

--- randerdk1@... wrote:

---------------------------------

Hey List,

I was working my way through the descriptions of

" all-good " vs. " all-bad " children within the

borderline mom's domain. A few things really struck me

in those descriptions as I write about how this

pertains to me.

First of all, as the only child I have had long

periods of being " all-good " and long periods of being

" all-bad " . The book says that " all-bad " children of

borderline mothers are virtually destined to develop

BPD themselves. Personally I see this as hogwash. One

of the reasons I see this as hogwash is

remembering my own descent from being " all-good " as a

child, to being " all-bad " as a teenager. My trying to

express my individuality away from my mom was so

doomed from teh beginning, and predictably enough I

became big time " all-bad " . Being " all-bad " was

indescribably painful and so full of emotional abuse I

cant put words to it, and i believe it is the only

time i have ever seen the " witch " in my mom, atleast

when the witch was directed towards me. However,

painful as it was it also felt like a big relief in a

way.

I had sacrificed my true self, and seen others

sacrificed as my mom's confidante for so many years.

As the " all-bad " child I did not have to make

these sacrifices. I did not have to pretend to be

anything I was not. I did not have to sit silently by

while my mom attacked others. I did not have to

allow my mom to fit me into that horrible, fake,

strange " perfect " role I had played for so long. It

felt almost like escaping from a prison.

Maybe it was easier for me because I did not

experience this as a small dependant child, although I

remember strange fragments of some of the same

things happening when I was individuating from my mom

at around 2-3 years old. Yet, it strikes me that the

" all-bad " child has the opportunity to be truer to

themselves and others than teh " all-good " child has.

This could be a bonus as an " all-bad " child.

What do you guys think?

Thanks

Malene

.......................................................

Hi Malene

What you have said here is inspirational. Great

attitude to 'all bad'. Rebellion can be very positive.

From the observation and filling in the past (because

I wasn't there to observe it), I would say my BPDex

'appeared' to rebel against his witch/queen, but still

sucked up to please her. On the outside rebelling, but

deep down still wanted to be the 'perfect child' he

possibly was earlier. Unfortunately his lack of

insight led him into the abyss of BPD himself -

through his suffering he now in turn spreads his hate

arouns as his mother once did. He was well trained.

What do you think? For children, is it better or worse

if their mother or father is BPD.

Malene, I know it is always a struggle, but thankfully

you are the normal one, and have the ability to make

decisions that are based on fact not on an overactive

imagination of all things hateful.

ciao

Ellie

http://mobile.yahoo.com.au - Yahoo! Mobile

- Check & compose your email via SMS on your Telstra or Vodafone mobile.

April 5, 2003

--- randerdk1@... wrote:

---------------------------------

Hey List,

I was working my way through the descriptions of

" all-good " vs. " all-bad " children within the

borderline mom's domain. A few things really struck me

in those descriptions as I write about how this

pertains to me.

First of all, as the only child I have had long

periods of being " all-good " and long periods of being

" all-bad " . The book says that " all-bad " children of

borderline mothers are virtually destined to develop

BPD themselves. Personally I see this as hogwash. One

of the reasons I see this as hogwash is

remembering my own descent from being " all-good " as a

child, to being " all-bad " as a teenager. My trying to

express my individuality away from my mom was so

doomed from teh beginning, and predictably enough I

became big time " all-bad " . Being " all-bad " was

indescribably painful and so full of emotional abuse I

cant put words to it, and i believe it is the only

time i have ever seen the " witch " in my mom, atleast

when the witch was directed towards me. However,

painful as it was it also felt like a big relief in a

way.

I had sacrificed my true self, and seen others

sacrificed as my mom's confidante for so many years.

As the " all-bad " child I did not have to make

these sacrifices. I did not have to pretend to be

anything I was not. I did not have to sit silently by

while my mom attacked others. I did not have to

allow my mom to fit me into that horrible, fake,

strange " perfect " role I had played for so long. It

felt almost like escaping from a prison.

Maybe it was easier for me because I did not

experience this as a small dependant child, although I

remember strange fragments of some of the same

things happening when I was individuating from my mom

at around 2-3 years old. Yet, it strikes me that the

" all-bad " child has the opportunity to be truer to

themselves and others than teh " all-good " child has.

This could be a bonus as an " all-bad " child.

What do you guys think?

Thanks

Malene

.......................................................

Hi Malene

What you have said here is inspirational. Great

attitude to 'all bad'. Rebellion can be very positive.

From the observation and filling in the past (because

I wasn't there to observe it), I would say my BPDex

'appeared' to rebel against his witch/queen, but still

sucked up to please her. On the outside rebelling, but

deep down still wanted to be the 'perfect child' he

possibly was earlier. Unfortunately his lack of

insight led him into the abyss of BPD himself -

through his suffering he now in turn spreads his hate

arouns as his mother once did. He was well trained.

What do you think? For children, is it better or worse

if their mother or father is BPD.

Malene, I know it is always a struggle, but thankfully

you are the normal one, and have the ability to make

decisions that are based on fact not on an overactive

imagination of all things hateful.

ciao

Ellie

http://mobile.yahoo.com.au - Yahoo! Mobile

- Check & compose your email via SMS on your Telstra or Vodafone mobile.

April 6, 2003

My mother never accepted me as either all-good or all-good. In each

visit I start out being all-good, and after a few hours I am suddenly

all-bad. She defines me when I am there, I don't even know what I am

in my own heart.

My sister (usually all-good, and tries to live up to it) and I (who

usually try to live up to all-bad) are the most guilt-ridden people

either of us have ever met. We just can't shake it off. It is not a

guilt about anything we have done. It is a guilt about existing.

That is difficult to atone for.

In being all-bad, I am not an addict or a criminal or anything. I

just do things like ride motorcycles, climb mountains, and speak the

truth as I see it. These things are worse than actual crimes to my

FOO. Why are motorcycles and mountains bad? I am not allowed to

take the slightest risk. I am worthless, but I am their property, I

must never put it at risk. The truth sometimes involves politically

controversial statements (which my family agrees with so that doesn't

cause friction), but sometimes it involves family secrets, which is

taboo.

I am always afraid of being punished for things I didn't do. I would

welcome being punished for something I did, because at least I would

have a little control over that. Even in my adult life, most of the

bad things I have done I have gotten away with, and most of the

punishments I have suffered had nothing to do with my actions, as far

as I could tell.

- Dan

April 6, 2003